To Put It All Out There

Wow! I can't believe how long it's been!

2011-05-30T16:32:00.004-05:00

Wow, I cannot believe how long it has been since I last wrote on my blog. I truly don't know where the time has gone. Well, I do but that's for later and upcoming posts.

I sat today and flipped through my blog - I really did write a lot on here and am proud of some of what I wrote. I could tell you where I sat and wrote each post and what sort of mood I was in. Funny how I never forgot that.

Let me start by telling you that my life has, yet again, taken turns that I did not see coming. Turns that have been for the better and some that have left me heartbroken and bent. However, with each new step I have found myself in I am always reminded that this is a journey to find me. I have been on this journey now for thirty-two years. It's funny how so many women hate to admit their age. Why?? Of all the things in life there are to be ashamed of why would you be ashamed of that? It's a number. It's the time that you've spent trying to do this thing called life! I love being thirty-two. It means that yes, I did survive my teen years without being strangled by my mother and I even survived the dreaded twenties and that time when all you want to do is find your place.

I'm still not 100% positive that I know where I belong yet and maybe that's the whole point. Maybe, just maybe, the point is to always be looking. To never just settle. Maybe I'm supposed to be on this quest and do what I can as much as I can!!

Well, no matter how you want to say it I think I'm finally at a point where I can start writing again and actually have something to say worth writing about. So much has happened I cannot wait to fill you in!

Protecting Americans Or Restricting Freedoms?

2009-11-12T21:12:00.002-05:00

I have read and re-read this article several times. I, being Christian in my beliefs, at first moved past it - to be completely honest. At first it was the situation of "Doesn't affect me move on", however the more I sat here the more it kind of played on my brain. I understand protecting our freedom against terrorists. My brother serves in the military, no one knows better the sacrifice of our US military. However, since the Fort Hood shooting I have feared for our Islamic Americans. I could very easily see a repeat of the Red Scare here. History has a way of repeating itself. I am eager to see what plays out here exactly.

NEW YORK – Federal prosecutors took steps Thursday to seize four U.S. mosques and a Fifth Avenue skyscraper owned by a nonprofit Muslim organization long suspected of being secretly controlled by the Iranian government.
In what could prove to be one of the biggest counterterrorism seizures in U.S. history, prosecutors filed a civil complaint in federal court against the Alavi Foundation, seeking the forfeiture of more than $500 million in assets.
The assets include bank accounts; Islamic centers consisting of schools and mosques in New York City, Maryland, California and Houston; more than 100 acres in Virginia; and a 36-story glass office tower in New York.
Confiscating the properties would be a sharp blow against Iran, which has been accused by the U.S. government of bankrolling terrorism and trying to build a nuclear bomb.
A telephone call and e-mail to Iran's U.N. Mission seeking comment were not immediately answered. Nor was a call to the Alavi Foundation.
It is extremely rare for U.S. law enforcement authorities to seize a house of worship, a step fraught with questions about the First Amendment right to freedom of religion.
The action against the Shiite Muslim mosques is sure to inflame relations between the U.S. government and American Muslims, many of whom are fearful of a backlash after last week's Fort Hood shooting rampage, blamed on a Muslim American major.
The mosques and the skyscraper will remain open while the forfeiture case works its way through court in what could be a long process. What will happen to them if the government ultimately prevails is unclear. But the government typically sells properties it has seized through forfeiture, and the proceeds are sometimes distributed to crime victims.
Prosecutors said the Alavi Foundation managed the office tower on behalf of the Iranian government and, working with a front company known as Assa Corp., illegally funneled millions in rental income to Iran's state-owned Bank Melli. Bank Melli has been accused by a U.S. Treasury official of providing support for Iran's nuclear program, and it is illegal in the United States to do business with the bank.
The U.S. has long suspected the foundation was an arm of the Iranian government; a 97-page complaint details involvement in foundation business by several top Iranian officials, including the deputy prime minister and ambassadors to the United Nations.
"For two decades, the Alavi Foundation's affairs have been directed by various Iranian officials, including Iranian ambassadors to the United Nations, in violation of a series of American laws," U.S. Attorney Preet Bharara said in a statement.
There were no raids Thursday as part of the forfeiture action. The government is simply required to post notices of the civil complaint on the property.
As prosecutors outlined their allegations against Alavi, the Islamic centers and the schools they run carried on with normal activity. The mosques' leaders had no immediate comment.
Parents lined up in their cars to pick up their children at the schools within the Islamic Education Center of Greater Houston and the Islamic Education Center in Rockville, Md. No notices of the forfeiture action were posted at either place as of late Thursday.
At the Islamic Institute of New York, a mosque and school in Queens, two U.S. marshals came to the door and rang the bell repeatedly. The marshals taped a forfeiture notice to the window and left a large document sitting on the ground. After they left a group of men came out of the building and took the document.
The fourth Islamic center marked for seizure is in Carmichael, Calif.
The skyscraper, known as the Piaget building, was erected in the 1970s under the shah of Iran, who was overthrown in 1979. The tenants include law and investment firms and other businesses.
The sleek, modern building, last valued at $570 million to $650 million in 2007, has served as an important source of income for the foundation over the past 36 years. The most recent tax records show the foundation earned $4.5 million from rents in 2007.
Rents collected from the building help fund the centers and other ventures, such as sending educational literature to imprisoned Muslims in the U.S. The foundation has also invested in dozens of mosques around the country and supported Iranian academics at prominent universities.
If federal prosecutors seize the skyscraper, the Alavi Foundation would have almost no way to continue supporting the Islamic centers, which house schools and mosques. That could leave a major void in Shiite communities, and hard feelings toward the FBI, which played a big role in the investigation.
The forfeiture action comes at a tense moment in U.S.-Iranian relations, with the two sides at odds over Iran's nuclear program and its arrest of three American hikers.
But Michael Rubin, an expert on Iran at the American Enterprise Institute, said the timing of the forfeiture action was probably a coincidence, not an effort to influence Iran on those issues.
"Suspicion about the Alavi Foundation transcends three administrations," Rubin said. "It's taken ages dealing with the nuts and bolts of the investigation. It's not the type of investigation which is part of any larger strategy."
Legal scholars said they know of only a few cases in U.S. history in which law enforcement authorities have seized a house of worship. Marc Stern, a religious-liberty expert with the American Jewish Congress, called such cases extremely rare.
The Alavi Foundation is the successor organization to the Pahlavi Foundation, a nonprofit group used by the shah to advance Iran's charitable interests in America. But authorities said its agenda changed after the fall of the shah.
In 2007, the United States accused Bank Melli of providing services to Iran's nuclear and ballistic missile programs and put the bank on its list of companies whose assets must be frozen. Washington has imposed sanctions against various other Iranian businesses.
___
Associated Press writers Samantha Gross in New York City, Juan A. Lozano in Houston, investigative researcher Randy Herschaft in New York City and AP photographer Jacquelyn Martin in Maryland contributed to this report.
___

Infiltration of the opposing force begin!!

2009-08-15T17:18:00.005-05:00

As a single mother there are two things that will always remain true in my life: 1. I will never be a soccer mom & 2. I will always be one of "those" women!! So I was surprised to find myself invited to join the PTA board at my son's school. I was now a foreigner in a strange land. I found myself surrounded by housewives whose greatest ambition in life was to further their children's position in school by being there ALL the time. I have now attended two PTA meetings and can now break down for you the oppositional team.

You have the social climber. If her life would have taken her in any other direction she would be sitting on a corporate board somewhere wearing a man shirt and barking orders at terrified interns. She is exceedingly kind and funny to the point of just being creepy.

You have your back stabbers. Oh you know the ones. Smile, giggle, wink, and get info. They are snooping, gabbing, and constantly trying to outshine and outshoot their "friends". These were your popular girls, your cheerleaders, your pep squad team. Each tries as they might to gain popularity with every single person. Unfortunately, at our age it is nothing more than an insecure unhappy woman trying to make herself feel better at the expense of anyone else she deems as competition.

There is, of course, the women who do not know how to do anything besides have children. These women generate children at roughly the same rate as most people change their underwear. They have so many children it becomes apparent that they should have a school to themselves. These women make me exhausted just watching them kiss their children goodbye. How does she keep track of them all? I would have, for sure, left one at a mall, airport, or at some random spot in my town! It must take them three hours just to say goodnight to all of their spawn!

There is the mother with the perfect amount of beautiful little children, who has the golden retriever, and white picket fence. She is just "DEELIGHHTED" to be taken advantage of. She loves to bake and clean. Her kids all have their hair parted in just the right place, their faces are always Kool-Aid mustache free, and their shirts are always EXACTLY the right size. Somehow I find myself trying desperately not to gag whenever her prissy little ass walks into the room.

I love Mrs. What Did You Say? She's a blast to mess with. She only joined the PTA so she could get the dirt on the school, teachers, administrators, and children. She is quick to pass along a rumor or to dig up dirt on Mrs. Second Grade Teacher who happened to be found having a little fun in the broom closet with Mr. MARRIED Gym Teacher. I think I will tell her something about myself and see how long it takes to get back to me!! That should be fun.

Then you have Mrs. I Know EVERYONE. Oh I love her. Mention a name, any name, and she instantly knows them. The Pope...he blessed my new home! Prince William...had tea with him last Tuesday. God...oh yes he helps me wash my floors. It's truly amusing. I try desperately not to just yell out random names (Farcus Dingas for instance) just to see if she says anything. I believe I will test her at the next meeting! Let's see how many people she truly knows!!

But the ultimate, the best, the ones that are just downright comical are the ones that have their children in EVERYTHING and these children happen to be super children. They are able to beat any child at a foot race, receive top marks in every class, and leap tall buildings in a single bound!! I have to patiently sit and listen to how little miss Sally scored in her last soccer game or how little Sam did at swimming practice. How they "suffer" so horribly because they had to downsize from a full year Y membership to pay monthly. They have so much going out to insure their children are in every single extra curricular activity to come down the pike that there just isn't anything extra. You know their son. Bobby. He's a darling boy who happens to play the piano, knows how to start a campfire using just two sticks, he's a brilliant soccer player, a green belt in karate, he swims like a fish, kicks a football further than anyone else, and have I mentioned he came up with a alternate theory of relativity? He happens to look like the backside of some scrawny mutt but he's truly an amazing little boy!! These happen to be the same women who have a five bedroom house, drive a BMW, and happen to carry a purse that is worth more than my entire wardrobe. They better you no matter what you have. Possessions and impressions mean more than anything else. These are the women that in twenty years will still have the tits and ass of a teenager!! It truly is sad to witness.

There are those of course that despite a better monetary position than myself remain amazingly true. They are hard working men and women that are part of the PTA for the benefit of having a say in the running of their children's school. These are the people I feel sorry for because they are surrounded by fools. Fools that wouldn't know how to run an organization if the blueprint was laid at their feet. I will infiltrate. I will play the games. And in the end I will remain the same person I always have been...able to find the humor in the most humorless of situations!!

I woke up today...

2008-08-20T17:55:00.003-05:00

I woke today to find my baby a boy. I know that sounds odd to say but truly it has hit me like I didn't think it would. How can I explain this in terms for all to understand? When my son was born I was in a fuzz, to say the least. I had found myself a 21 year old mother who was struggling in a relationship I was no more prepared for than I was for motherhood. For the next thirteen months I would juggle work, motherhood, and the struggles of an abusive and controlling man. I loved my son's father, this I do believe, but I painted him into a corner. I have accepted my role as it is. I know there is no excuse for a man to ever strike a woman or even be tempted to, however, I knew his history getting into that situation and I was trying to make a round key fit into a square hole. He was a fatherless child, a young man left to fend for himself in a world that didn't coddle or cradle him. He was scared, as was I, but he let his fear conquer himself and was left doing nothing! When I say nothing I truly mean nothing. No working, cleaning, and basic human emotions? You mine as well forget those. And so I painted him into a corner. I begged and pleaded, I yelled and nagged and like all animals if trapped they lash out. I should have known it would happen but I had never been adult before and I wanted his help. In my life men worked, they provided for their family and my job was to take care of my son and smile at all the right times, that was the role of a woman. At least that was the notion. But my life did not go in that direction and so after thirteen months it came down to how many mouths I could feed. Two is easier to take care of than three. I asked him to leave, I begged him to leave, I literally threw him out, but like a bad disease he kept coming back. I was young and now see my errors but finally I looked at my son and realized that's who he'd become and I left that man for good. So I spent my son's baby years in a fuzz, like I said.
I regret that I missed it all. I hardly noticed his first step, his first coo, and don't remember half of what other mothers remember. Does that make me a bad mom? I don't know but I hate that that is the way it was. I was babysitting for the first two years and spent a lot of time wondering when his mother would come and get him. Once the fuzz lifted, once the clouds parted and I could see the sun again it all became clear. I was his mom, not mother which is too harsh of a word for the relationship we now share, I was a mom. And so I have devoted the last six years of his life to solely being mommy. We share a special bond not easily mistaken for anything else. I laugh with him more than anyone else and after eight hours at work all I want to do is see him. He makes me mad, he makes me sad, but that is what all mom's feel. And so I think that through it all I have been in survival mode for so long I have missed his steps. Now he's eight and I am just trying to catch up. Eight. What a delightful age. He has more mood swings than most women I know and he's becoming independent which is killing me slowly. He wanders in the mall, he wants to cut his own path through a crowd, and I am left standing back yelling "Wait give me a minute to catch my breath."
I wonder than if all mom's feel this. Is it just me because I did miss so much? Do all mom's feel the sharp pain in their heart when their child asks them to not walk them into class anymore? Do all mom's hang on a little longer to the hugs that are so embarrassing for them to give? What about the mom's whose child can't do those things? I guess for me that is what makes it all so sweet. There are mothers whose children cannot hug, or walk to class, or cut their way through a crowd. Children that cannot fight back, they don't have the health to do so. That's what makes it all so seem okay. He's healthy and happy. He loves being him. And it's all because I didn't decide to lay down and take my fate quietly. I fought for him. I fought for me. I fought to provide a life worth living. Hug your child today, hang on even when they try to pry you off, hang on. Realize that even through tantrums and sleepless nights it will soon pass. Realize that the baby stages wizz by so fast that one day you will be standing on the sidewalk watching them walk away. Eight. How did I get here?

Merry Christmas

2007-12-20T13:20:00.000-05:00

I wanted to take this time to wish everyone a very merry christmas and a happy new year. Enjoy the time with family and friends and realize that the feeling of christmas doesn't have to end.

Guardian Angels

2007-12-19T08:47:00.000-05:00

I am writing this entry today as a thank you to the guardian angels that were watching over my family yesterday. My cousin is a senior at Ohio State University and lives in an apartment off campus with her fiance. Yesterday morning (around 7:30) they awoke to what they assumed was the maintenance man knocking at the front door. A little annoyed by the early wake up, they stumbled out of bed, just in time to hear their front door come crashing in. When they got to then entryway they saw a very large African American male standing in their doorway. They were terrified to say the least but I think they startled him as well because he took off running. Her fiance chased the intruder out of the building and across the parking lot but then went back to the apartment where my cousin was on the floor in hysterics. The only description they have of the intruder is an African American male between 20-25, well over 6' tall, weighing somewhere between 250-300lbs, wearing a cahart coat and steel toed boots. This description was provided by the building manager that was pulling into the driveway when all of this occurred. The police were immediately notified and upon their investigation informed my cousin that there is currently a string of these types of invasions on the Ohio State campus and surrounding areas. The intruder strikes around the same time that most people are already out the door for work, they knock first and if no one answers in they go. The miracle, which I am sure as eluded you a bit so far, is on most days my cousin's fiance would have already been gone to work and that would have left my cousin home alone when this happened. He was home because he was planning on taking her to the airport so she could be in Florida for Christmas with the family. I have been thanking God ever since for watching out for her yesterday.

Please Please Please...if you have family or friends around the Ohio State University campus please warn them of this intruder. As of today, he is still on the run and you know it is just a matter of time before he does it again. Please be aware of your surroundings and try as you might please try to alter your morning routine so as to through a would be assailant off a bit! This is a very scary situation that could have ended tragically...luckily it didn't but the next person could not be so lucky!

A Little Poem By Me!

2007-12-12T15:44:00.000-05:00

Little Turtle

by: Red Starr
Little Turtle won't you come out and play?

Today is such a sunny bright day.

Are you afraid of the world's hell?

Is that why you are in your shell?

I understand your pain and fear,

but there is no real danger here.

No guns or war or death or tear.

No predators, gangsters, politicians, or fear.

I understand why you shiver and shake.

You fear for yourself and your child's sake.

You must be so safe and warm in there.

No need to worry. No, not a care.

How I wish I could join you in your shelled retreat.

Cram in my head, my arms, my feet.

Escape this noisy, polluted mess.

Forget all the worry and excessive stress.

The mind blowing worry and heart wrenching fear.

The anger of the losses of children out here.

The children are hunted and warned of bad men.

No longer free to play and pretend.

Their lives exist in the technology of games.

Passing places and faces, never knowing a name.

The angels have left us for better places.

For beautiful, kinder, more loving faces.

The pollution and smog choke us with ease.

So let me in, Little Turtle, let me in, please.

I need to escape what the world's become.

Let me feel your warmth and security some.

Let me leave all of this craziness behind.

Let me clear my overly polluted mind.

Clear away the images of death and despair.

Of children dying, killed without care.

Nowhere to escape. Nowhere to run.

No haven of love. No treehouse of fun.

I want to scream and thrash and gnaw

at the men who blindly enforce crude law.

I want to rid the world of the things we fear.

To make it safer for all of us here.

Of love and freedom, I shall plant the seed.

No more men of anger, dillusion, and greed.

No more fishbowl reality on the evening news.

Children killing children, nothing left to lose.

So, Little Turtle, stay put for a bit.

I've no time to linger, no time to sit.

I have a world to save, a little at a time.

And for now I am tired of my rhyme.

Goodbye, Little Turtle, I'll leave you for now.

I will fix it all, make it better, some how!

Welcome To Our World

2007-12-10T12:55:00.000-05:00

Tears are falling, hearts are breaking

How we need to hear from god

You've been promised, we've been waiting

Welcome holy child

Hope that you don't mind our manger

How I wish we would have known

But long awaited holy stranger

Make yourself at home

Please make yourself at home

Bring your peace into our violence

Bid our hungry souls be filled

World now breaking heavens silence

Welcome to our world

Fragile finger sent to heal us

Tender brow prepared for thorn

Tiny heart whose blood will save us

Unto us is born

So wrap our injured flesh around you

Breathe our air and walk our sod

Rob our sin and make us holy

Perfect son of god

Welcome to our world

-Michael W. Smith

Just a reminder of what this season is for! Merry Christmas and remember to spend the time holding those you love and forgiving those who wronged you!

Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease, Dementia

2007-12-10T11:46:00.000-05:00

Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease (CJD) is a very rare dementing disease first identified in the 1920s. Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease is believed to be caused by something called proteinaceous prions that can live in the body for years before any signs of the disease become obvious. CJD affects people between the ages of 50 and 70 years.

My grandmother has been diagnosed with CJD and it has progressed very rapidly. It has been a very difficult adventure for all of. Our adventure started on September first of this year, while setting up my son's 7th birthday party, my grandmother collapsed. When the ambulance arrived we insisted she go to the hospital and there they found that she had suffered a major heart attack and more than likely died on us at least once. She then underwent a very scary 5-valve transplant surgery. She passed away at least twice on the operating table and at least once while in ICU. She spent an very touch and go 3 weeks in the ICU unit of our hospital. It was during this process that we noticed some issues starting to arise. We noticed that she was hallucinating a lot, more than what was to be expected, and that her legs didn't move quite as well as could be expected. Upon voicing our concerns it was brought up that she had dementia. This not being our first dealings with the disease, we were scared to say the least. So she was released to a nursing home with faith that eventually they would get her walking.

I am not one to bad mouth our medical services, their jobs are ones that I personally could never do, but this process has brought about a lot of issues with our medical services. I will get into this later but I need to bring up some issues. They were doing intensive rehab with my grandma for about 3 weeks when they decided that she had plateaued. And much to our dismay they stopped the rehab. She has not been able to walk since before her surgery. She has since lost all use of her legs and right arm. This loss of use is not a physical loss it is a mental loss. She does not know how to get her legs to do what they should or her hand. Her auto responses to move these parts is completely lost. It's the sad reality of life I suppose but it is one that I am not comfortable with. I can't shake the feeling that they stopped the rehab too early, they didn't give her enough time to work it out. And then I figured it out. Grandma's medicaid had not started and rehab is $100 daily and being normal people with normal jobs this wasn't exactly doable, so they stopped it!

Last weekend we received a phone call at 8:00am that Grandma had had seizure in the shower and that they were taking her to the hospital. So upon entering the hospital it became very obvious what had happened. She had a urinary tract infection that was not being taken care of properly. The issue with dementia is that every little thing that takes them out of their routine will take them a little bit further down. Well she dropped quickly. This is where my complaints of the medical services start! So those of you that are nurses please understand that it is not the entire the medical community that has me upset just the ones taking care of my grandmother. She has had some wonderful nurses we felt very secure in leaving her with and some that it took everything in us not to choke them on the spot. My main complaint has been the complete lack of general hygiene. Our family has spent countless hours at the hospital by her bedside. Daily when we walk in the floor in general smells of urine or feces. The floor is sticky when you walk on it. Her room has several times been absolutely disgusting with bloody gauze and needles littering the floor. I don't even want to tell you the times that we have walked in to find my grandmother sitting helplessly in a bed soaked with urine. She also cannot feed herself and instead of feeding her they cut her food and left it there in front of her. We found pieces of food laying in the urine at her side where she had obviously not been able to get the food to her mouth. Her glasses got broken somehow but no one seems to have an answer as to how the occurred. It is so disturbing to have to even go and see her because of her deterioration but to have this issue compounded is just terrible. We also cannot get a decent response from the medical staff. Her nurses seem to be disturbed and bothered to answer a general question. They huff and puff when we ask them to please change her urine soaked sheets. It is just horrible. I don't know how as a human being you could see that situation and not do anything! We went in last weekend to find her roommate sitting on the toilet where she had defecated and grandma again sitting in her own urine. The roommate had been on that toilet for 1 full hour alone. Her nurse, when we asked her why, simply rolled her eyes and walked away from us. We have complained several times to the patient advocate and things may get better that day but it is definitely back to the filth and disgust within a day or so.

Basically Grandma lapsed into a drug induced coma on Saturday. Now my complaint here is simple. Grandma was obviously not able to get any nutrients by mouth but they never hooked her up to an IV to take care of it. So my grandma laid there for 48 hours being pumped full of meds with no nutrients going in her body at all. Well needless to say, she woke up this morning dehydrated and starving. I am sorry but I really feel like our medical personal has failed us this time and am seriously considering seeking legal assistance. Hopefully she will be released back to the nursing home soon where we can at least trust they will change her often and keep her clean and fed.

I know it has been a long time since I have written and wanted to at least touch base with you all to let you know what is going on. I wish I had some poetic highly philosophical thing to say but I am exhausted and cannot think any further. I keep praying to god to just take her. I know it sounds horribly but this is torture. How long can we see her suffer? It has made me rethink my stance on quite a few issues. This slow suffering is just too much. The indignity of it all is horrendous. Why can she not just die peacefully in her sleep so that she no longer has to suffer. Sitting in her own urine and not being able to feed herself, how are we supposed to watch this? How are we supposed to have faith when we watch such things? I don't understand my own beliefs anymore. I don't understand my god right now. I want to say that I believe it is all happening for a reason but truthfully I don't understand. I don't see his lesson and I hate that I can't save her. I can't stop the horrible things that happen. I can't watch anymore of it but I can't walk away either. I hate the morning light because my tears are then visible. I hate that Christmas is coming and I cannot enjoy it. I cannot find the miracle of the season and I hate that. I am mourning her so badly. Her cookies and laughter. I miss her lessons and words of encouragement. I cannot find the heart to repeat her words to myself, they hurt too bad to remember. I know that death is just part of living but why does it have to be drawn out so long. Why does it have to be so undignified? Why does it have to steal away every last bit of pride that she has? I guess for me I don't understand the whole situation and feel like there is so much faith required that I just don't know if I have it left in me. To see someone so strong independent brought to this states is hell!

Parent Advise

2007-08-31T13:40:00.001-05:00

I think it is our duty on this Earth to share whatever wisdom we have with those who do not have that experience for the betterment of our society. Like with everything else, parenthood comes with experience. I am not ashamed to admit that for about the first two years of my son's life I was waiting for his mother to come and get him. Around his second birthday "mother overdrive" started to kick in and by now I feel like a veteran at this parenting thing, although I understand that I am still prone to mistakes and moments of frustration like everyone else. I am not sure what happened but my son turned seven and I think demons took over. I joke with my mother that his horns are not a bad sign they are simply there to hold his halo up! But through his seven years of life I have accumulated a certain number of "momisms" that have helped me to survive and if you don't mind I would like to share these with you now. These are mainly with boys in mind since that is the extent of my knowledge.

Smell your baby as often as possible. One day that sweet baby scent will pass and will be replaced with "man" smells you can't even identify.

Say yes more than no, it makes life easier and lets your child know where you stand.

Laugh. Laugh often and with all your heart and soul. It will help you get through finger painted walls and poop covered babies!

Don't sweat the little things.

Eat your green vegetables. Remember children learn better from your actions than your words.

Kiss them. Kiss them often because one day it will be "uncool" to be kissed by a parent.

Hold their hand, it calms both of your nerves on the first day of Kindergarten.

Laugh with them, cry with them, and rant with them. Basically be with them.

Realize that they are human beings with feelings, thoughts, and opinions that may not always match yours but are important none the less.

Sing to them. Your child will not care that your voice cracks or you can't carry a tune. It soothes them just the same.

Remember that your main job is so crucial because the choices you make today will develop into the adults of tomorrow. Besides they will one day be taking care of you.
Protecting your child has become so crucial. They are never too young to learn about stranger danger. You will not destroy their fragile minds with fear but prepare them just in case!
Don't be concerned with milk mustaches and grass stains, it is the heart inside that has to remain untainted.

Nurture their minds as well as their bodies, neither can function properly without the other!

Imaginations are glorious. They save us from our stress and help us reach for the stars.

The first time your child says "I love you" wipe away the tear and know that toddlers don't know to lie!

Believe your child. Believe in them.

If your child has an imaginary friend, know that the new friend is there to stay for awhile.

Powder their buns, you will be surprised how much joy this brings you.

When your child asks why, answer it. Their curiosity is a natural part of growing up! And your parents will never let you forget your why stage!

Stop. Stop and smell the roses, stop and watch the line of ants cross the sidewalk, stop and smell a dandelion, or any of the other new wonders your child finds. You will rediscover what it means to be a child!

Watch cartoons. Watch them even if your child is asleep...they are funny and who could possibly be grumpy with Spongebob?

If your child walks at 13 months instead of the average 11 months, don't worry, all children progress at their own rate! They will be just fine!

Let them have finger paints, play doh, and volcano sets. Sure their messy but who said you can't play with them?

Have a food fight. There is nothing that says I love you quite like mashed potatoes in the hair!

If your two year old tells you to close your eyes and stick out your hand....PEEK! For God's sake peek!

Yes that smell IS from their diaper and yes the old man next to you DOES think he did it!!

Cheerios up the nose is not reason enough to call your doctor at 5:00 am on a Sunday. Squeeze their nose and those suckers will pop right out!

Fruity Pebbles in curly hair is a nightmare. Take the soft bristled vacuum extension and they will come out just fine. DO NOT PUT THE CHILD IN THE TUB, they will come out looking like they bathed in Kool-Aid!

Tickle your baby, their laugh is so contagious.

When you child goes off to Kindergarten it IS ok to circle around the block and peek in the window...they will see you and get mad...but we all do it!

Don't be afraid of making a mistake, they make you human and your child will appreciate the honesty.

If the hamster dies be honest. Hold a funeral and move on. DO NOT buy an identical hamster. Not only will the 21 pet store owners think you are insane but your child will know that "Butch" is not Butch when she has babies!!
And last but not least...know that every step you take leads to the ultimate satisfaction of seeing your child bloom into a wondrous adult. Besides all the tears will be paid back when you get grand kids!!

If you have any to add feel free!! Have a great holiday weekend (three days off!!) and enjoy!

HA HA HA!!!

2007-08-24T13:51:00.000-05:00

Order targets self-described pedophile
By ROBERT JABLON, Associated Press Writer 27 minutes ago
LOS ANGELES - A judge revised a restraining order against self-described pedophile Jack McClellan on Friday, ordering him to stay at least 10 yards from places where children congregate, including schools, playgrounds and child care centers.
Superior Court Judge Melvin Sandvig had initially ordered McClellan to stay at least 30 feet from every person under age 18 in California for a three-year period.
As he left the hearing, McClellan told reporters: "I don't know what I'm going to do now."
McClellan, 45, came to the attention of authorities for a Web site where he had posted photos of children in public places and discussed how he liked to stake out parks, libraries, fast-food restaurants and other areas where little girls congregated.
McClellan maintained he launched the site as a form of therapy and wouldn't do anything illegal. He has never been charged with molestation.
His Internet server took his Web site down more than a month ago.
Sandvig did not give specific reasons for revising his initial order but indicated he was aware of concerns about its constitutionality given its sweeping nature.
"Minor children are a group that do need extra protection because they can't be watched 24-seven," the judge said.
McClellan was arrested Aug. 13 for investigation of violating the order when he was found near a child care center at the University of California, Los Angeles. He had a camera with him at the time, but he told a local TV station there wasn't any film in it.
Prosecutors dropped the criminal case against him after determining the order had been invalid because the judge failed to schedule and give McClellan proper notice of a hearing required to argue its merits.
Attorneys Anthony D. Zinnanti and Richard A. Patterson had sought the order behalf of their children. After the hearing, they said they believed McClellan would follow the restrictions.
Civil libertarians and others had argued that the original sweeping restraining order had virtually barred McClellan from the state by forbidding him from going near any child.
Zinnanti said that, with the modified order, "Mr. McClellan can go shopping ... he's not barred from having a life, but there is, however, a perimeter around children." He said he and Patterson had also offered to help McClellan get counseling.
McClellan has been unemployed and living out of his car since arriving in Southern California this summer from Washington.
At the hearing, he was represented by attorney Robert J. Wilson, who said he was acting at the request of the American Civil Liberties Union of Southern California. However, Wilson was handed a note by the bailiff during the hearing that said the ACLU would not be taking McClellan's case.

I am liking the news today! Good things are happening in the world. It appears that justice for those that have very little control over their own lives is being served!! Children are a little safer today!

The Angel

2007-08-24T12:25:00.000-05:00

I have always believed that like humans angels come in all shapes and forms. Yesterday mine was in the form of my boss. I have long stated that I have the best boss in the world. You will be hard up to find a boss as supportive and understanding. For a single mother, these qualitites are worth so much more than a large paycheck. Yesterday was a horrible day. Now the first thing you have to understand is that I am one of those people who naturally attract trouble, I have done so as long as I can remember. I don't have to go looking for trouble it seems to be attracted to me like a magnet. The day started out rough, that much is true, my son was giving me a horrible time in the morning. He wouldn't get dressed, finally after wrestling him basically to the floor he got dressed. Then he would not eat, once I decided that this was enough and threatened him with going to school late (the thought of a tardy slip makes him cringe) he ate. Then it was a fight for brushing the teeth, wearing sneakers instead of sandals, etc. You name it we fought about it that morning. I got him to school and went to the gas station. This is where my day got truly interesting. My car DIED in the parking lot of the gas station. I was stuck and already in a hot tempered mood. So I called road side assistance and my boss to tell him I would be late. My mother, in the mean time, was sitting with me to keep me company and got a call from my sister-in-law. She was in SEVERE pain and had to be taken to the hospital. This all happened before 8:30 in the morning. To say it started out rocky would be an understatement like none other.

When the tow truck driver finally showed up I was so relieved. I asked him if he was there to save me, he smiled and said "Let's hope". He was a very nice tow truck driver. I wish I remembered the company name so I could recommend it. He was just fantastic. While standing there watching him jump my car, my boss shows up. He then proceeded to buy a new battery for my car and when the auto parts store wouldn't install it, he did! I am sorry to say this but none of you have a boss quite like mine. Not only did he buy the batter, install it, but he even remembered that I buy my breakfast after I get gas in the morning and brought me some because he knew I hadn't eaten yet. I fully plan on paying him back even though he insists it is fine.

I don't say this to brag. I don't even say all this as a thank you, I have said my thank you's. I do say this as a point. Angels come in all forms and when you expect it the least you will be saved. I have no money to my name. I work to pay my bills and it leaves little extra for situations that arrise, such as this, I didn't know what I was going to do. Angels come in so many different forms and our prayers are answered in such quiet fashion. I know my boss did not do this to get a thank you or to brag about how he could do it. He did it because that is who he is. That is the type of person he is. If the situations were reversed I would do the same for him and I think that that kind of understanding is what drives our good business friendship.

So, dear reader, in conclusion. I want to tell you to never give up. Keep the driving force in your life positive. Let your light shine even if you are stumbling on the road. Let others know how loved and appreciated they are, not by words but by your actions. Let your driving force be for the betterment of humanity, not the expansion of your wallet. Let yourself believe in the truth and goodness in the human race, turn off the news it will depress you. Kiss your children, hug your mother, and feed a stray cat. All these tiny gestures will be rewarded when you are down on your luck. Do good because it needs done not because of the accolades you will receive. Let your heart swell with pride as you feed a homeless person, because you know that you fed not only the body but the soul of another human being. And as always believe in the fact that the more people you touch the better your life will get! Let us change the world one heart at a time!

A Passionate Fight

2007-08-24T11:07:00.000-05:00

I have written on this subject several times before but today I write because I am joyous!

Seale gets 3 life terms for '64 killings By EMILY WAGSTER PETTUS, Associated Press Writer
JACKSON, Miss. - James Ford Seale, a reputed Ku Klux Klansman, was sentenced Friday to three life terms in prison for his role in the 1964 abduction and murder of two black teenagers in southwest Mississippi.
Seale, 72, was convicted in June on federal charges of kidnapping and conspiracy in the deaths of Charles Moore and Henry Hezekiah Dee, two 19-year-olds who disappeared from Franklin County on May 2, 1964.
The young men's bodies were found two months later in the Mississippi River.
The prosecution's star witness against Seale was Charles Marcus Edwards, a confessed Klansman, who received immunity from prosecution for his admitted role in the abductions and his testimony.
THIS IS A BREAKING NEWS UPDATE. Check back soon for further information. AP's earlier story is below.
JACKSON, Miss. (AP) — Deputies escorted James Ford Seale into court in a bulletproof vest and shackles Friday for sentencing for his role in the 1964 abduction and killing of two black teenagers.
The reputed Ku Klux Klansman, now 72, faces up to life in prison.
Seale was convicted in June on federal charges of kidnapping and conspiracy in the deaths of Charles Moore and Henry Hezekiah Dee, two 19-year-olds who disappeared from Franklin County on May 2, 1964. Their bodies were found two months later in the Mississippi River.
Charles Marcus Edward, a confessed Klansman who admitted being involved in the attack, was the prosecution's star witness against Seale and received immunity for his testimony,
Edward said Seale and other Klansmen abducted Dee and Moore near Meadville, forced them into the trunk of Seale's Volkswagen and drove them to a farm. The two were later tied up and driven across the Mississippi River into Louisiana.
Edwards said Seale told him that heavy weights were attached to the teenagers and they were then dumped alive into the river.
Seale was arrested on a state murder charge in 1964, but the charge was later dropped. Federal prosecutors say the state charges were dropped because local law enforcement officers in 1964 were in collusion with the Klan.
U.S. Attorney Dunn Lampton told jurors that Klansman abducted and beat Dee and Moore in an attempt to find out if blacks were bringing firearms into Franklin County.
Moore's brother, Thomas Moore of Colorado Springs, Colo., helped research the crime and persuaded prosecutors to reopen their investigation.
The killings were among several decades-old civil rights cases reopened by federal investigators. Federal officials said in February that they were reopening investigations into about a dozen such cases.

It seems finally this nation is making these creeps accountable for their heinous acts! It is about time! I hope to see many more cases like this one!

Back To School

2007-08-20T13:00:00.000-05:00

Today, in South Florida, was a day to remember. The first day of school. You know the day when you would have butterflies in your stomach and you would be so exhausted because you had been up all night because of that blasted naked in the hallway dreams. My son started first grade today. It is hard to imagine that he is almost seven years old and already in "big boy" school. I am concerned though, as I am sure most parents are today. I am concerned whether he is ready for first grade or not. And here is why:

Last year my son had a marvelous teacher. Really she was one of those one of a kind teachers. Those teachers that make you want to go to school every day. A unique blend of angel and inventor. She had a true gift for her career. She had a deeply beautiful understanding of how children work. It gave my son and his fellow classmates a great start in their educational life. Her class was as close as I have ever seen a classroom before. She was honest and sweet and became the matriarch of our little "family". Our children are now split amoung the first grade classes but that hasn't stopped us from remaining friends. Our children have become truly OUR children. I watch out for their children and they watch out for mine. These kids became more like siblings than classmates. They were a well oiled machine with Mrs. Baker at the helm. With all this greatness you would wonder why I am concerned.

I am not sure if my son was properly prepared for "real" school. Mrs. Baker made everyday fun and adventurous...will my son be just as inclined to learn while sitting in a desk? They were spoiled and pampered beyond belief...how will they all feel with a teacher that doesn't revolve her world around them? How will they react when they have to actually raise their hand to leave their desk or write their name correctly every time? How will they feel when there are no laughing little frogs filling the room and they are expected to behave correctly? Will he get bored? Will he act up? I am not that sure.

I am not the only one that has voiced these opinions. It is a deepening concern. I suppose only time will tell. And when it is all said and done one thing will be for certain...he will be a smarter child for it!

Home

2007-08-20T08:09:00.000-05:00

Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter,you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again. Psalm 71:20-21

I believe, throughout all my blogs, I have made the fact that I am a devout Christian fairly clear. I think I have made my beliefs front and center. I am not the type of person to shove my beliefs down any one's throat, so please if you think you may be offended or roll your eyes don't read on. This weekend I had one of those surreal moments that we sometimes have. No, no angels came down or I didn't see the face of God in my cheese or anything, this was one of those simple moments that no one realized how touched I truly was. I have been out of my church for awhile now. As you all have known, I have had some health issues and financial problems. My reasons for not attending church were varied but I daily prayed to God to give me the strength to face one more day and kept up with my daily reading of the Bible.

Sunday I returned to my church, I returned home. The things that touched me so dearly were so simple yet they meant so much. People coming up and asking if I was okay, if I needed anything, or that they had been praying for me. I don't think anyone can even begin to understand how deeply I was touched by this. To know we do not walk alone in our times of need is amazing. I have long held the belief that we must taste the bottom of the barrel so that the top will be more amazing. God tests us, he tests our faith in him but our faith in ourselves even more, and when we rise from the ashes we are stronger and smarter for it! Like the phoenix we rise from our ashes new and refreshed.

So I just want to take this opportunity to publicly thank all of my "family" at Grace Community United Methodist Church of Fish Hawk for all that you do! Your a wonderful extension to my family and your prayers and love have sustained my soul through times of trouble and uncertainty! Really, in my life, I have never found a more wonderful group of people!

A Realization

2007-08-17T08:24:00.000-05:00

lab·y·rinth (lăb'ə-rĭnth') n.
An intricate structure of interconnecting passages through which it is difficult to find one's way; a maze.
Labyrinth Greek Mythology. The maze in which the Minotaur was confined.
Something highly intricate or convoluted in character, composition, or construction: a labyrinth of rules and regulations.

I have loved the movie Labyrinth since I first saw it when I was eight years old. I remember what a great adventure I thought it was and felt a certain connection to the main character (one reason being her resentment to her little brother since I too had recently been exposed to this most annoying family issue). I used to play Labyrinth for hours when I was a child, my little brother often playing Hoggle! If anyone knows this movie you understand what I mean. It is one of the greatest films of my childhood, coming second only to the Wizard of Oz.

And so it came to pass that I grew up and eventually stepped out of my fantasy world and embraced the harsh realities of life. Now, I have to say that that sounds worse than it is. If anyone has read my entries from the beginning you will find that I am very "magically" minded person. I believe in magic in those things we cannot see or touch but that are there none the less. I believe that the world is not black and white, what we know to be reality and the "other", it is all kinds of shades and each unknown becomes reality eventually. Think of the magic and wonder of having a child. Not only is it a miracle that children are even born, when you consider the odds it faces throughout gestation, but magic of that first giggle. The touch of soft baby skin, the smell of a baby, and the magic of watching your child grow. Not to mention the magic that they let you rediscover through them. It's a simple magic, that I will admit, but it can be so powerful!

So, finally, my son was old enough to watch the movie. He like me is now completely taken with this film. He has decided to build a labyrinth in his bedroom and has been heard humming the songs while he works diligently at his task. And I have been given the opportunity to relive my childhood and also find the interesting points the movie has to offer for adults.

Much like watching Wizard Of Oz again, you can see the deeper meaning in the movie. Labyrinth is metaphorically a very intricate movie. First you have the trials of life, twisting and turning at every step, much like the labyrinth. And much like Sarah in the movie it is hard to tell who is there to help you and who is there to trip you up. Now most of us in our lifetime will not have an evil Goblin King steal a baby from us or meet goblins, biting fairies, or even talking worms. But we will sometimes go down a path that will lead us so far away from our destination we are going to be desperately clinging to the hope that we will make it in time, since our days our numbered much like Sarah's time in the labyrinth. The part that I love and always have since I was a child is the ending when Sarah says the phrase "You have no power over me." I used to love it as a child because everything breaks apart and it looks so amazing, but as an adult I have a whole new love for this scene. "You have no power over me" how many of us would love to utter that phrase some times? How many of us feel that we are being controlled by another person? Spouse? Boss? Teacher? Even the inner demons of our own souls. These can all control us and take us off our path to accomplish our ultimate goal. These things lead you to believe they have a control and power over you, when in fact the only power they hold is the power you give them. Funny how that works. We are free creatures, able to choose the destiny we desire and yet we are so eager to throw our freedoms to the wind and allow others to control our every move. Sometimes, they do not control our every move but instead they control our minds or hearts or worse yet our basic inevitable rights.

I say all this to come to one point. Be brave, dear readers, be brave in your daily struggles. Walk the labyrinth of life with your head held high. Walk along the paths of unknowing, free from the constraints of others controls. Shed your puppeteer's strings and walk the path of self discovery. And when you feel the world has beaten you, you cannot take one more step, utter the phrase "You have no power over me" with conviction and you will understand the strengths you have within!

Taking the Plunge

2007-08-15T13:45:00.000-05:00

So I have decided to take the plunge and write the novel that has been bouncing around in my head for months now. I have sent the synopsis to several publishers and have had two letters of interest so far. I am hoping this becomes a full time job but would love just to see my own book. Please wish me luck and look for the chapters and sneak peaks here! I will bring them to you as soon as I can get them written out! My writing style will be quite a bit the same throughout the book...the way I talk is how the characters will talk as well. Please feel free to critique my writing style..and the content if you so choose...but I think that my older stuff is better so please scroll through my archives! Thanks for all your time...and just so you know the music can be turned off by scrolling to the bottom and clicking on the "pause" button...just so no one get annoyed while reading!!

The Final Inspection

2007-08-15T09:49:00.000-05:00

“The Final Inspection”

Author Unknown

The policeman stood and faced his God, which must always come to pass.

He hoped his shoes were shining just as brightly as his brass.

“Step forward now, policeman. How shall I deal with you?

Have you always turned the other cheek? To my church have you been true?”

The policeman squared his shoulders and said, “No Lord. I guess I ain’t.

Because those who carry badges can’t always be a saint.

I’ve had to work most Sundays, and at times my talk was rough…

and sometimes I’ve been violent because the streets are awful tough.

But I never took a penny that wasn’t mine to keep…

though I worked a lot of overtime when the bills got just too steep.

And I never passed a cry for help, though at times I shook with fear.

And sometimes, God forgive me, I’ve wept unmanly tears.

I know I don’t deserve a place among the people here.

They never wanted me around except to calm their fear.

If you’ve a place for me here, Lord, it needn’t be so grand.

I never expected or had too much. But if you don’t…I’ll understand.”

There was silence all around the throne where the saints had often trod,

as the policeman waited quietly for the judgement of his God.

“Step forward now, policeman. You’ve borne your burdens well.

Come walk a beat on heaven’s streets. You’ve done your time in hell.”

Today, in the town of Brandon Florida, a veteran police officer, father, and husband gave his life in the line of duty. Here is the story:

BRANDON (Bay News 9) -- A Hillsborough County Sheriff's deputy was shot and killed early Wednesday morning in Brandon.
According to authorities, Sergeant Ron Harrison was shot around 1:30 a.m. shortly after conducting a DUI checkpoint.
Officials said a man suspected in the shooting was shot and killed a short time later by SWAT team members after he barricaded himself in a home.
The shooting happened on Lumsden Road near Kings Avenue as 55-year-old Harrison was wrapping up a DUI checkpoint. Officials said a driver in the area reported hearing shots around this same time.
Authorities said Harrison was in his cruiser when he was shot and activated his lights and siren and tried to drive off. However, he lost control of his cruiser, struck another vehicle and then crashed into a tree. Officials said Harrison died before reaching Brandon Hospital.
Investigators are trying to determine if Harrison was ambushed or if the suspect was in the car with him at the time of the shooting.
A short time later, a woman called authorities saying her boyfriend may have been involved in a shooting with a deputy and was at a home near Village Court.
A SWAT team then converged on that home and negotiations began with the suspect.
Hillsborough County Sheriff David Gee said the suspect was barricaded in the home and numerous attempts to get him out failed.
Gee said the suspect fired multiple shots at the SWAT team with a large caliber weapon, prompting them to shoot and kill him.
Sheriff deputies search the shooting location for evidence Wednesday morning."I authorized deadly force be used," Gee said. "He was shot and killed by SWAT officers at the scene."
Gee said none of the SWAT team members were injured.
Gee did not give specifics regarding either shooting as both deaths are still being investigated.
Harrison was a fixture on the agency's DUI task force team, overseeing a group of 12 deputies and one corporal.
Harrison, a father of four, is the first Hillsborough County Sheriff's deputy killed since 1981. Friday would have marked 21 years on the job for Harrison

I will say it again, as I always do, I don't know what kind of world we are living. What kind of world can justify this? I don't understand. I have to go through this intersection to go to work in the morning and this morning we were all rerouted. As I am sitting in a line of traffic, nothing to do but sit, I was frustrated and getting a bit testy. I thought of the reason I was stuck in traffic and felt a sudden chill. How dare I be angry today? I have no reason. My family is safe, we are all together, and I am healthy as can be. How dare I get frustrated at this situation? While I slept in my bed comforted and warm this officer was losing his life. How dare I think that I have any right to get mad at little bit of a delay!

Please pray for this family. Please pray for all involved. Please Please Please think before you act. Watch out for one another and love thy neighbor. When you get pulled over thank the officer, I did this once and he said a quiet thank you (I still got the ticket!), thank them for keeping you safe. And before you lay your head down at night thank God that there are men and women out there willing to risk their lives so you are safe!

I Had To Share This One

2007-08-09T07:41:00.001-05:00

For sale: Jesus action figuresWednesday, August 8, 2007
Wal-Mart sells bible action figures. Move over Transformers; a new kind of action figure is taking up shelf space in some Bay area stores.
Wal-Mart recently started selling action figures based on the Bible.
One Hillsborough County Wal-Mart sold out of the Jesus figures. They also carry others like Noah, David and Mary. All the dolls have a button consumers can push that sends a message from the Bible.
Even though her 3-year-old child preferred the Spiderman toy, Kelly Peabody thought the Bible action figures would make better role models.
"It's different from Transformers or Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles," said parent Kelly Peabody. "These actually have a message behind them. And I would not have a problem at all with him playing with these."
Chris Stephens, pastor at Skycrest Baptist Church in Clearwater, said he likes the new action figures. He said he doesn't think the biblical characters are being exploited for commercial gain.
"Folks who print the Bible and sell it, I would assume there's some profit margin there," Stephens said. "But then it's beneficial for us who take the time to read it and let it guide our decision making."
The toys are made by a company called one-2-believe. It's web site includes pictures of the entire lineup of characters and a list of which stores carry them.

Okay so I am all for getting kids into the Bible...but does anyone see the laugh factor here. "Honey, put down Jesus and come to dinner." I don't know about anyone else but I don't think that this is what getting children excited about the Bible actually means.

It Was Then That I Carried You

2007-08-08T14:05:00.000-05:00

Little Brother

Jennifer O., Westwood, MA

You remember when they first brought him home,

Wrapped in a blanket; all small and warm.

You remember when he smiled his first smile,

His rosy face smiling up at yours.

Your first bike, the Little League games, the stray pup.

You remember when he started high school,

The advice you gave him, trying to be cool.

Now, you remember, he's almost grown.

Now big sister, he's on his own.

It is with a tear in my eye that I write today. Come September 8th of this year me and my brother will no longer be living in the same state. I have never gone more than 24 hours without seeing him in 21 years, and as much as I hate to admit it, I think part of me really needs him here. I have spent 21 years denying my love for him, cracking jokes daily about selling him to the Amish, but truth be told I love him more than I care to admit. My brother is hilarious, sweet, and gentle...everything I am not! He is just like my mother and I am just like my father. We are as different as night and day and we completely compliment each other. Funny how that works that way.

He has a job opportunity that is too good for him to pass up, this I know, but still it is going to be hard to watch him go. He asked me last night if I wanted to go on a road trip to help him move, I answered no so quickly that I think he got offended. No wasn't exactly what I wanted to say. I wanted to beg and plead with him not to go...I need him too much. But I can't help him move up there. I can't pull away from his new home and know I am coming back here without him. It is my job to protect him it has been since the day he was born and although I have not always been kind to him, I made sure that no one else hurt him. I hate that he is leaving and I don't know what to tell him. How do I ease my own concerns enough to be there for him? I am scared that I am going to need him and he won't be here...even if it is just to moon me after a hard day at work...he always knows when I need a laugh. I don't have to tell him. I don't have to express it. He instinctively knows.

There is part of me that will never be whole living this far way from him. There were times in my life when he was all I needed to get through a day. There were times, like any other siblings, when I wanted to choke him. But ultimately, we have each other. If all else fails, if the world falls down around me, I know he will still be there. That is who he is. He is an amazing uncle, taking over many of those male role model roles with my son. It is amazing to watch him with my little one and not be impressed with his patience and deep love. They have a bond that is fantastic to watch. I don't think there are any amount of words I can say to thank him enough for this time he spends with my son. How can you thank someone for forming such an ever lasting bond? I don't know if he realizes what a profound difference he makes in our life. Does he realize how much joy and laughter he brings us? Does he know how empty and shallow our lives will be when he is gone? It is painful, the reality of knowing that there is nothing I can do about it. There is no way of asking him to walk away from such an amazing offer. One that will benefit him, his wife, and his unborn child. One that will change their lives for the better and give him the satisfaction of knowing that he is supporting his family.

He is going to make an amazing father. I don't know if I have told him this but I should. He has such a gentle spirit and a deep love for children. He is the type of man that will do anything just to hear a child's laugh. I remember when my son was born my brother was only fourteen, but he would sit for hours just holding and rocking him. He would babysit and play with him. He still does all of this. Even though my son is seven, not the age where they want to cuddle, he knows that hugs and kisses are just part of my brother coming over. He knows that he will get a good bear hug, tons of kisses, and a good wrestling buddy. I sat there last night and watched their interaction and my stomach got a knot in it. How will my son be with this move? He has never been away from my brother at all for seven years. The one constant has always been my brother...in both me and my son's lives. I wonder how that will change. Will they still have that bond? I believe they will. I believe that there is nothing in this world my brother wouldn't do or give my son if he has the means. And I know for a fact that no one is looked upon as highly as my brother in little man's eyes. He is a dude...cool...forever fun to Jonathan.
I am going to miss the birth of my first nephew. Something I want to be there for, but I don't think I will be. Now, I know that plenty of families live several states if not countries away from each other. But not us. We have always lived together. Our small little family banning together to fight off the masses. If all else fails you know they are there to have your back and you are there to hold them up. We are dwindling and it scares me. I am watching my little family be torn apart, for many different reasons, all threads of our security blanket are starting to fringe and there is nothing that can be done to stop it. So I will march on, to the beat of my own drum as usual, and pray for the best. Wherever we are supposed to be, whatever turn my life takes, I will walk in blind faith that I am being cared for. I cannot plan for my future, I don't have it all mapped out as some do, that is not the way my brain works. I work in the day to day. I live daily like it was my last and do what I think is right at that moment. God has protected me so far. He has kept our little family safe from any major harm and he will do the same this time. I have that much known. Wherever we roam he will guide our footsteps carefully and carry us when we cannot walk any further. I hope when all else fails we will all be together again. My heart can't handle much more!

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord. Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene, he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand: one belonging to him, and the other to the Lord. When the last scene of his life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life. This really bothered him and he questioned the Lord about it. "Lord, You said that once I decided to follow you, You'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me." The Lord replied,"My son, My precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I Carried You."

I'd Rather Have The Bloody Nose

2007-08-06T10:41:00.000-05:00

Cyberbullying leads to violence in Pasco CountySunday, August 5, 2007 Cyberbullying is on the rise, particularly among teenage girls. PASCO COUNTY (Bay News 9) -- The Internet has taken bullying from the school yard to computers worldwide.
It's called cyberbullying, where kids and teens hurl insults on-line.
One cyber-feud in Pasco County turned into violence on the street.
Zephyrhills police said they arrested a 17-year-old girl for slashing others with a boxcutter following a fight that started on MySpace.
Nasty things said in the virtual world can lead to troubles in the real world like in Zephyrhills as Sergeant Rob Perrault explained.
"When they confronted her they got into an altercation," Perrault said. "This other girl presented a boxcutter and started swinging the boxcutter at whoever was confronting the friend."

CyberbullyingInsults on-line spread rapidlyDr. Steve O'Brien discusses cyber safety and bullying.School Resource Center E-mail TV reporter Michelle KayThree victims wound up with slashes all over their bodies.
Perrault said parents should keep an eye out for high tech name calling.
"Ultimately, parents need to supervise their children at all times," he said
Lizette Alexander with the Pasco County School District said whether it's e-mails, texts or instant messages, they spread quickly.
"You embarrass someone on line it's not as simple as, 'Well, I said you were a liar to a friend on the phone.' It might take weeks before a half dozen people heard about it," Alexander said. "Now, at the push of a button you have many people involved in that communication."

Lizette Alexander said whether it's e-mails, texts or instant messages, they spread quickly.Police and the schools said it's best not to start anything in cyberspace to begin with.
The 17-year-old accused of using the boxcutter is charged with several counts of aggravated battery.
Most school districts have added cyberbullying polices to protect students. Pasco schools have flyers to give to kids and parents warning about how to prevent and handle cyberbullying. Children are encouraged to tell a trusted adult if they believe they are victims.
When you think of traditional playground bullies you may think of fights involving boys. But on the web girls are more likely to hurl insults. According to a study by the University of Wisconsin, 38 percent of girls said they've been bullied compared to 34 percent of boys.
However, many of the girls said they do respond back to the bully and many times the online message gets out of hand. Twelve percent of kids in that study said they'd been physically threatened.
A bill in Washington that calls attention to cyberbullying was introduced last week. The "Protecting Children in the 21st Century Act" would make sure children get educated about the issue and help them understand how to appropriately communicate on social networking web sites and chat rooms.

Okay so is anyone else sick of the issues that the Internet is causing? I love the Internet don't get me wrong...it is my livelihood, but there are issues that arise daily because of misuse of its power. Now, most people would say that we honestly view the Internet as a means to let off some steam...saying things that we normally wouldn't to the face of another person. The reason being that we don't have to look them in the eye when we do so!

My son will soon be 7 and I worry about the world he is growing up in. There seems to be no recourse for a parent. I hate the idea that he will one day be picked on but I know the day will come. I was picked on in school and I had horrible self esteem throughout my teenage years. It was terrible. Bullying on the playground/hallways still occurs. My baby cousin, not really a baby he is 12, endured some of the worst bullying last year and my heart just broke for him. He is one of the sweetest most sensitive natured boys you will ever meet. He is quiet and responsible...an easy target for a bully. This bully latched onto him almost as soon as school started. He punched him in the groin, took his lunch, threw his books to the floor, pushed him around...it was terrible. Every week it seemed his parents were on the phone with someone at the school trying to get the issue cleared up...do you know their response? Well, we didn't see it happen so there isn't much we can do. It got to the point where my cousin was coming home from school and vomiting from the situation. It got fully out of control. And then the bully got expelled...do you want to know why? He brought a knife to school. You talk about terrifying. Here was the child that had put my baby cousin through so much hell carrying a knife. And the school? Was absolutely NO help at all. Horrible!! You depend on these schools to be there for your child not created a worse problem.
Now add to that the cyber bullying and you have a compounded problem that can have some damaging and lasting effects. Parents NEED to monitor what their children do online. How many times do you people have to hear that? It has to be one of the most irresponsible things a parent could do...I don't care what the excuse is. My child, almost 7, has NEVER been on the Internet. He has never logged into any site and I aim to keep it that way for as long as possible. When he is old enough our computer will be in the general living area where adult eyes will monitor his every move. I will not take chances when it comes to his well being...either physical or mental. That is the bottom line. And there will be hell to pay for the child that does bully him. I don't take unfair treatment sitting down or lightly. I let my views be known...typically in a public arena loudly! I am not a fighter. I have never physically fought before in my life but I know how to verbally get a point across. This is a ridiculous issue that we shouldn't even be dealing with, if parents were doing their jobs!

When are people going to realize the lasting effects that bullying has? Do we forget Columbine and Virginia Tech? You would think that we would get the point. THIS NEEDS TO STOP! It needs to stop being tolerated at home. It needs to have swift lasting consequences at school. And there needs to be laws that govern it online. I for one am in support for the bill. So I have to give up some freedom of speech so be it..will a single life be saved by this bill? You bet, and that is worth it. Please PLEASE PLEASE if you have school age children or grandchildren visit this site. It could save your child's life! Remember that suicidal rates are high during the teen years...bullying is usually the underlying reason...don't let it invade your family!

Some simple statistics for you to ponder

Although little research has been conducted on cyber bullying, recent studies have found that:
18% of students in grades 6-8 said they had been cyberbullied at least once in the last couple of months; and 6% said it had happened to them 2 or more times (Kowalski et al., 2005).
11% of students in grades 6-8 said they had cyberbullied another person at least once in the last couple of months, and 2% said they had done it two or more times (Kowalski et al., 2005).
19% of regular Internet users between the ages of 10 and 17 reported being involved in online aggression; 15% had been aggressors, and 7% had been targets (3% were both aggressors and targets) (Ybarra & Mitchell, 2004).
17% of 6-11 year-olds and 36% of 12-17-year-olds reported that someone said threatening or embarrassing things about them through e-mail, instant messages, web sites, chat rooms, or text messages (Fight Crime: Invest in Kids, 2006).
Cyber bullying has increased in recent years. In nationally representative surveys of 10-17 year-olds, twice as many children and youth indicated that they had been victims and perpetrators of online harassment in 2005 compared with 1999/2000 (Wolak, Mitchell, & Finkelhor, 2006). Who are the victims and perpetrators of cyber bullying? In a recent study of students in grades 6-8 (Kowalski et al., 2005):
Girls were about twice as likely as boys to be victims and perpetrators of cyber bullying.
Of those students who had been cyberbullied relatively frequently (at least twice in the last couple of months):
62% said that they had been cyberbullied by another student at school, and 46% had been cyberbullied by a friend.
55% didn't know who had cyberbullied them.
Of those students who admitted cyber bullying others relatively frequently:
60% had cyberbullied another student at school, and 56% had cyberbullied a friend.What are the most common methods of cyber bullying? In recent studies of middle and high school students, (Fight Crime: Invest in Kids, 2006; Kowalski et al., 2005; Wolak, Mitchell, & Finkelhor, 2006) the most common way that children and youth reported being cyberbullied was through instant messaging. Somewhat less common ways involved the use of chat rooms, e-mails, and messages posted on web sites. A study of younger children (Fight Crime: Invest in Kids, 2006) showed that they were most often bullied through e-mail, comments on a web site, or in a chat room. Where are children and youth cyber bullied? In a recent telephone survey of preteens (6-11 year-olds) and teens (12-17 year-olds) (Fight Crime: Invest in Kids, 2006):
45% of preteens and 30% of teens who had been cyber bullied received the messages while at school;
44% of preteens and 70% of teens who had been cyber bullied received the messages at home; and
34% of preteens and 25% of teens who had been cyber bullied received the messages while at a friend's house. Do children tell others if they are cyber bullied?According to one telephone survey of preteens and teens (Fight Crime: Invest in Kids, 2006):
51% of preteens but only 35% of teens who had been cyber bullied had told their parents about their experience;
27% of preteens and only 9% of teens who had been cyber bullied had told a teacher;
44% of preteens and 72% of teens who had been cyber bullied had told a friend;
31% of preteens and 35% of teens who had been cyber bullied had told a brother or sister; and
16% of preteens and teens who had been cyber bullied had told no one.

These numbers are staggering. Please I implore you to speak to your children. Give them a trusted adult, if you relationships are strained, they can go to. Give them an OUT!!

My Prayers Go Out

2007-08-02T11:58:00.000-05:00

My Prayers go out to all those victims, families, and those still missing from this tragedy!
For some more dramatic stories please visit http://cosmos.bcst.yahoo.com/up/player/popup/index.php?cl=3555446

May God give you the strength to face the days ahead!

Scumbags Again Preying On Our Children

2007-08-02T11:15:00.000-05:00

Jack McClellan
I post this picture not for amusement but for warning.

This guy is a pedophile. He photographs little children, mostly girls,

while at public locations (parks, festivals, etc.) and then reports his findings

on a website for other pedophiles. Be WARNED if you see this man block your children

or do like I would and shove his camera up his...well I think you know what I mean!

Once again our news is filled with another sicko. Another creep. Another scumbag who finds filming little children playing the thing to do! Here is the news story:

Self-Proclaimed Pedophile
Exploiting A LoopholeThursday, August 2, 2007(ABC News)
Moms fearing for their children's safety are teaming up against a man who prowls playgrounds, amusement parks and fairs stalking little girls and then brazenly boasts about his exploits on his Web site.
Even though Jack McClellan calls himself a pedophile, legal experts say he hasn't broken any laws.

"I just think they're cute, a lot cuter than women," McClellan said.
McClellan has operated detailed Web sites rating the best public places to watch young children at play and posting photos he's taken at events. He even rated locations based on how many little girls, or LGs as he call them, are there.
"He is a reviewer, a pedophile reviewing places for other pedophiles to go," said child predator safety educator Pattie Fitzgerald, of safelyeverafter.com.
One Los Angeles mother accidentally came upon McClellan's Web site and realized that he was describing her young son who she had taken to a festival.
"Immediately my skin began to crawl," said Jane, who asked that her last name not be used. "I thought this man is talking about my child. Who is this man? Why is it OK for him to speak about my child?"
But Jane was not alone. Seattle moms were the first to notice McClellan's Internet comments after seeing comments like this: "lots of frolicking LGs, including several rolling down a steep grassy hill on their side" he wrote about children in a public park.
The determined mothers pressured him out of the city.
"I think he needs to stop using children for his own selfish pleasures," said one mother.
Now dozens of Los Angeles mothers are teaming up to force him out.
"You should not be able to take a picture of a random child on the street and use it on the Internet to promote the abuse and endangerment of children," Jane said.
But law enforcement's hand may be tied.
"You can't arrest him for advocating," said UCLA law professor Eugene Volokh.
Legal experts said, and police so far have agreed, McClellan has broken no laws. He has no criminal record and his postings have been legal.
"[Sites like this are] repugnant as they are probably constitutionally protected by the First Amendment," Volokh said. - www.thebucketheadshow.com

Okay, I think I have breached this subject before. Pedophiles, no matter what their criminal background, need to be shot- that is my bottom line response. In this highly digital age it is becoming harder and harder to protect our children from creeps like this. I am not sure what the course of action is but it needs to come to an end. We need to have in place tougher laws...laws that protect children not the amendment rights of sickos! I think this man is despicable. Not only is a self proclaimed pedophile he is helping other pedophiles go to the places where children frequent. You would think, even if they couldn't get him on charges for taking the pictures, they could get him on charges of assistance of a crime. He is assisting other weirdos just like himself to harm children.
My goal with this blog today is not, in fact, to give my opinions, but to be a public service announcement. Please know this man's face. Know his name. Know who he is so you can be prepared. He seems to move around a lot so he may be coming to a town near you. Please, even if you never see him, watch you children. Know who is around. Watch all children, even ones you don't know, in public places. Watch children in parks and know what adults are with what children. Know who the adults are around the park so that you can know if something seems fishy. If something seems odd don't hesitate to call your local police or, if you are like me, approach the person and ask them a simple question like "Can I help you?". If nothing else it lets them know you are watching them. Don't leave that park until you are sure either a.) the person has left b.) someone else another parent is also watching him or c.) the police show up! I believe fully in the phrase "It takes a community to raise a child" and I live by it. I will watch out for your children you watch out for mine. That is how we are going to eradicate this problem, we are going to have to become a stronger and more forceful front. They are going to have to know that this behavior is not okay and that we will no longer tolerate it. Let him come near my child or any children in my viewing area...he will never view a park the same!

Confusionism - More Than A Religion

2007-08-01T14:59:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago I had reported that the company I worked for had suffered financially and may be closing, at this time I started a vigil of prayer. One night I remember very clearly stating "God, I can't do anymore you need to take the wheel and I will just glide along until you put me where I need to be." I verbally stated this and jumped in with both feet hoping and praying for the best. Little did I know that my mother, father, grandmother, my boss and his family were all praying the same thing. Low and behold we had a million dollar day today!! God works in mysterious and ever changing ways. He lets you taste the lows so the highs seem so much sweeter. Never doubt your existence on this Earth, even if you have no plan he has one perfectly mapped out...you just have to take the road of faith sometimes!

I don't remember when I came to this conclusion or if there was a moment when I knew I was "born again" (a term that for personal reasons really bothers me - was your first birth such a wonderful experience that you really want to go through it again?) but somewhere between hardships and questions of my own existence it occurred. I remember a moment when I thought for some reason that I felt God or an angel...but then again I was being choked by my ex..it may have just been lack of oxygen. It's funny how that happens. It brings up more questions than answers in a lot of ways. The tunnel with a light that so many people experience...is it nothing more than our brain closing down? It is such a great adventure yet so many people fear it. I don't...not anymore. I used to fear dying now I realize that death is nothing more than an extension of life. Maybe that explains my obsessions with ghosts...if proven they are nothing more than assurance that what I think is fact. I don't think this is it. I don't think this is the first time I have been on this Earth or that it will be my last trip around (I have way too much to learn yet)! I am a Christian, I believe that Jesus was a savior, but so much of my daily beliefs lean more toward Buddhism or Hinduism. Maybe I am just confused. There you go, if someone asks me my religion I am going to say Confusionism.

Interaccial Views

2007-07-27T07:58:00.000-05:00

We have come so far in this nation, or so I thought, with the mixing of the races. I harbor no prejudice whatsoever, having been the mother of an interracial child for seven years now, and see the idiotic tendencies of my own race. I hate that people are still viewed in such a way. Here is the story that started me thinking today:

BOISE, Idaho (AP) -- The Boise State running back who scored the winning points in the Fiesta Bowl, then proposed to his cheerleader girlfriend on national television, says he has hired security for their wedding because of racial threats.
Ian Johnson, who is black, and Chrissy Popadics, who is white, are due to be married Saturday in Boise.
Since his Jan. 1 proposal, Johnson said, he has received phone calls, letters and some personal threats from people who object to their marriage plans.
"You take it for what it is -- the less educated, the less willing to change," Johnson, 21, of San Dimas, Calif., told the Idaho Statesman for its Tuesday editions. "But we're not acting like we're naive to all the stuff that's going on. We know what's been said. We're going to make sure we're safe at all times. It's an amazing day for us, and we'd hate to have it ruined by someone."
"It's really sad because a lot of people that are probably doing it are the same people who were cheering me on," Johnson said.
A Boise State football spokesman, Todd Miles, said Tuesday that Johnson hoped to put the matter behind him and did not want to discuss it further. Popadics' family said she was not available.

I really despise this kind of story for many reasons but the main one is that humans are so quick to pass judgement upon other human beings. It is the sad reality of life, I suppose, but not one I am willing to settle for. Prejudice comes in all forms, including but not solely, race. This man is obviously a college educated man with a good career ahead of him, but does that matter? No, to the white trash (passing my own judgement here I suppose) they would prefer this girl to have instead fell in love with some poor white schmuck who would beat her everyday. Now I say this not to pass along my own judgement but to instead make a point. White supremacist groups fail to realize that there are horrible white guys that would rather beat their wives than love them just the same as there are sweet black guys that will honor the ground their wives walk on. I have often thought about this. What is it about a different skin tone that unnerves so many people? How sick of a world do we live in that a couple cannot be happy? How sick is it that we fail to see the joy that is love? That love doesn't see color or boundaries? I wonder what these people would think if they were in those shoes. How would they feel if someone wrote them hate mail because how dare some skin head marry a sweet girl? And then these people have the audacity to breed, leaving their hate filled messages for another generation as well. It is pathetic.

Being from the North and moving to the South I have had to deal with my fair share of idiotic remarks. For one, I hate the term Yankee. I have been called that I don't know how many times and it really grinds on my nerves. HELLO...you lost the war....it was over 100 years ago...move on people! The other thing that shocked me was we have rednecks in Ohio...yes that is true...but NOTHING like what they have down here. It is actually kind of funny. They have the confederate flag flying from their huge trucks while their two hound dogs pace impatiently in the back...never fails...that is what you see. And as if that wasn't enough most of them have a total of possibly one good tooth. They make me despise my own race. As I sit behind them, choking on the exhaust from their massive machine, I always say a silent prayer thanking God that I was born to the family I was. What I would like to see is an uprising of those who will no longer tolerate this behavior. I want to start a group that is against white trash. White people for the betterment of our own race. I will no longer allow my race to be infiltrated and diminished in the least by scum. That is the movement I could back! Forget the color of your skin...I could care the less...I want to know how many teeth you have, how many hound dogs you own, and have you ever uttered a phrase in a dialect no one can even pretend to understand. That is what I want. I want people to focus more on the betterment of our race by providing simple instruction on hygiene, culture, and the reason why living in this country is so great is because we are the melting pot of the world. I love the fact that I can step out my door in the morning and see the different cultures I am so blessed to live by. I love that the woman across the street practices Buddhism (I don't think I spelled that right but you get the point), I love the fact that the interracial couple on the side of me celebrate Kwanzaa instead of Christmas. You have to love the fact your children are going to grow up knowing cultures other than our own. And if these people haven't noticed there is no "American" culture...we are the products of the different races and cultures coming together as one.

Now I don't think I am better than anyone. I don't think my views are the right views. They are the views that work for me, but I will tell you this much...I will NEVER EVER understand the whole redneck pride thing. Why would anyone be proud of seeming uneducated, under cultured, with a massive lack of personal hygiene? Why is that appealing to them? I suppose I just don't get it, but I do look forward to the day when a black woman will win the presidency. When my child will not have to feel ashamed of his heritage but instead, as I strive to teach him, embrace his ancestors as people who fought against all odds to come out on top. I want my son to take a sort of ownership in his race. I want him to make something of himself, not only to better his own existence, but to justify and make good the fight that those before him fought so hard. Take control and own the rights that so many died trying to give you. Much like women's suffrage and my own views on what I am as a woman. I want him to understand that his race suffered deeply to provide to him the opportunities he is now free to pursue. No matter who he falls in love with, white or black or pink or green for that matter, I will cherish the fact and revel in the great fortune that is love. I believe, in my heart, that the white supremacists are a dying race. That the interracial children of this era will eradicate the hateful ignorance of them one day. I believe in my heart that we will become one race...colors all mingling to one shade of beauty...the human race!

More on the subject of how to raise your children to be more racial tolerate please visit PARENTS EDUCATION.

A Cute Little Grim Reaper

2007-07-26T07:44:00.001-05:00

By RAY HENRY, Associated Press Writer Wed Jul 25, 7:25 PM ET
PROVIDENCE, R.I. - Oscar the cat seems to have an uncanny knack for predicting when nursing home patients are going to die, by curling up next to them during their final hours. His accuracy, observed in 25 cases, has led the staff to call family members once he has chosen someone. It usually means they have less than four hours to live.
"He doesn't make too many mistakes. He seems to understand when patients are about to die," said Dr. David Dosa in an interview. He describes the phenomenon in a poignant essay in Thursday's issue of the New England Journal of Medicine.
"Many family members take some solace from it. They appreciate the companionship that the cat provides for their dying loved one," said Dosa, a geriatrician and assistant professor of medicine at Brown University.
The 2-year-old feline was adopted as a kitten and grew up in a third-floor dementia unit at the Steere House Nursing and Rehabilitation Center. The facility treats people with Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease and other illnesses.
After about six months, the staff noticed Oscar would make his own rounds, just like the doctors and nurses. He'd sniff and observe patients, then sit beside people who would wind up dying in a few hours.
Dosa said Oscar seems to take his work seriously and is generally aloof. "This is not a cat that's friendly to people," he said.
Oscar is better at predicting death than the people who work there, said Dr. Joan Teno of Brown University, who treats patients at the nursing home and is an expert on care for the terminally ill
She was convinced of Oscar's talent when he made his 13th correct call. While observing one patient, Teno said she noticed the woman wasn't eating, was breathing with difficulty and that her legs had a bluish tinge, signs that often mean death is near.
Oscar wouldn't stay inside the room though, so Teno thought his streak was broken. Instead, it turned out the doctor's prediction was roughly 10 hours too early. Sure enough, during the patient's final two hours, nurses told Teno that Oscar joined the woman at her bedside.
Doctors say most of the people who get a visit from the sweet-faced, gray-and-white cat are so ill they probably don't know he's there, so patients aren't aware he's a harbinger of death. Most families are grateful for the advanced warning, although one wanted Oscar out of the room while a family member died. When Oscar is put outside, he paces and meows his displeasure.
No one's certain if Oscar's behavior is scientifically significant or points to a cause. Teno wonders if the cat notices telltale scents or reads something into the behavior of the nurses who raised him.
Nicholas Dodman, who directs an animal behavioral clinic at the Tufts University Cummings School of Veterinary Medicine and has read Dosa's article, said the only way to know is to carefully document how Oscar divides his time between the living and dying.
If Oscar really is a furry grim reaper, it's also possible his behavior could be driven by self-centered pleasures like a heated blanket placed on a dying person, Dodman said.
Nursing home staffers aren't concerned with explaining Oscar, so long as he gives families a better chance at saying goodbye to the dying.
Oscar recently received a wall plaque publicly commending his "compassionate hospice care."

This story warms the heart on so many levels and I truly want to believe that it is true. I also have the inclination to believe that the reason this cat is even here is to help usher those that pass to the next plane of existence. But owning a cat, a very self preserving animal, I am inclined to believe that it is more like the suggestion that he likes the warm blanket placed on dying patients. No matter which way I still find the article warming and I am happy these patients have a companion to lay with them in their times of need.

Animals have long been thought to harbor abilities we humans do not. We are supposedly the smartest of all mammals but the more I look around I think that we have highly underestimated our furry companions on this place we call Earth. What is not intelligent about the lazy house cat who has food when he wants, sleeps where he wants, and cuddles when he wants? He does not have the slightest concern in the world...that to me is far superior to our daily concerns. I would prefer being a lazy house cat any day!! There have been animals of all types, ages, and sizes that have predicted some incredible things. I was once reading an article on this subject in a medical journal my best friend had in her home. It was an interesting article pointing to literally hundreds of cases similar to this one. The most moving of the stories was about a golden retriever that could smell cancer, even if the patient did not know it themselves. It was amazing how much his people came to depend on him. He was brilliant in his meticulous diagnosis, almost like he could understand that people may not believe him. Animals have senses that we humans can only dream about...it is fascinating to understand. Dolphins can be used as a sort of cancer treatment for children. Dogs will be given to elderly patients to not only give them companionship but a reason to get up in the morning. A dog can be used to give sight to the blind. Animals are used throughout medical treatments for many reasons, the least one being their innate ability to give warnings to their humans.

There has always been legends of animals predicting death. The most famous of which is that legend of the Grim. The grim is a black dog that predicts death. It has been a legend in many European countries for ages now. It usually is known to prowl around cemeteries and there is even a church here in the US that believes they have a grim in their church cemetery. They claim to see the grim prior to the death of one of their church members. It has been described as highly nerve racking and terrifying...I would think so. In the Harry Potter series, although yes I know it is not true, the grim is the bearer of bad news. If you see a grim it is said that you have less than 24 hours to live. Now what I want to question with all of these stories is: Is the animal actually predicting the death or is the mind causing death because of the animal? There is a lot to be said about mind over matter...and in this instance it may be just that. If you know, for instance, the grim is a predicter of death and you see one could it possibly scare you to death literally. Are the incidences where dolphins are used as a sort of natural chemotherapy actually doing so or is the patient so convinced they will be healed they actually will their body to do just that. The humans brain is the one organ we know the least about, is it not then safe to assume their may be powers there we have yet to tap into. Maybe we do not need all the medications we are given for any number of diseases but a strong enough will and brain power to cure our ailments. Is it not possible to talk yourself out of a headache? I have done that on more than one occasion...I know it works. So why then can't we will ourselves out of larger diseases? It is a fascinating realm to get in to...the human brain.

Savant is a condition in which the being is so intelligent they are deemed mentally retarded. Think of the movie Rain Man here. Most savants have an injury or impairment in their left side of the brain and most of them can be diagnosed in childhood (although a severe accident can also cause it). Many doctors now believe that Mozart was a savant. Savants are brilliant in one area of study, typically one of the arts. It is fascinating. A person who is unable to tie their own shoes, dress themselves, and in some cases unable to feed themselves can compose some of the most beautiful masterpieces that our soul has ever been touched by. It is one of those subjects that I am enamoured with and I am not quite sure why. I think that it points to a much deeper subject than what is right on the surface. What is it about the left side of the brain that when damaged causes this effect? What is there that we, the general population, are missing? Are our brains so dimensional that we may never know the workings of our own bodies, the capabilities that we may never reach? What is that sets the brain functions to what they are? Are our brains so focused on daily activities that we are unable to embrace the world as savants are able to? Take away the constraints of rational thought processes and what genius may lie underneath? I post these questions not in fact to receive an answer but as more of a statement of thought. The human brain is so amazing and yet there is very little known about it. Which brings us back to the animals...do their brains (not constrained to the "human" thought process) have more capabilities than our own? If we would move past the daily life and go back to our basic animal roots would we too have these capabilities? I pose this one and final challenge upon my readers today: focus more on the joys of being human, challenge your brain to function in new and ever changing ways, and never let anyone tell you it is impossible. Dare to dream and dream big. Challenge your brain to complete an enormous task, at least just once. Do you want to write the next great American novel...do it!! Don't hesitate to compose that piece of music you never dreamed of completing. The challenges of daily life can constrain you to accept those things you think are impossible to accomplish...I challenge you today to step outside your little comfort zone and do something AMAZING!! I look forward to sharing a history book with each of you!

Happy reading and never forget to nurture the seedling of creativity inside your soul!

A Sad Day for All Readers

2007-07-25T11:35:00.001-05:00

They brought us Bat Boy, alien races that worship Oprah, and presidents backed by alien life forms. It is a sad day since news has been released that Weekly World News is going to pull their magazines off the shelves. Now I say that I am sad for one main reason. That reason is because when my spirits needed lifting this was usually the magazine I would pick up. You cannot possibly be mad or not laugh at some of these headlines. It is a hiliarious book from start to finish! I enjoy the quirky little stories but mostly it is the pictures that crack me up! They have a really good photo editor over there...it is a shame they will no longer be in print. So for Weekly World readers everwhere this blog is for you!

My Favorite By Far!!

Update on the Job Situation

2007-07-25T11:19:00.000-05:00

For all of you that have been following my recent loss of a job I have great news!! The owner of the company I was working for has received good news and is now able to once again pay me to work here!! I am continuing my effort to uplift and make this company grow to new horizons. I just wanted to thank all of you for your words of encouragement and prayers...it helped a great deal!

Actresses Missing & No One Looking For Them

2007-07-25T08:05:00.000-05:00

So, as I am sure everyone has heard. Lindsay Lohan has been arrested again! Okay now I don't care about the details, I don't even care what she has been arrested for. What I am worried about is that this has become national news. Why is this dominating my news today? Do I care what is going on in a spoiled starlets life? No, not really. Is this going to effect my life or the life of my child in the long run? Highly doubtful. I think that it is pretty sad that in today's society the disgusting life habits of the rich and famous is that important of a news story that everyone has to hear about it. When Paris Hilton was arrested it dominated the news for weeks. I don't like these girls that much to even care what they are doing but yet I am forced to watch their pathetic lives unfold on my television screen on the nightly news. I tune into nightly news for several reasons but this fails to capture my attention. Here is my theory why this occurs:

1. They have more money than they know what to do with. More money does not equal happiness and for these girls in particular it is obvious that money doesn't solve all problems.

2. They are hounded day in and day out for nothing. They have no reasonable talent that I can see, no reason for being famous. Actors and actresses with more talent in one finger than these girls have in their whole bodies are hounded less. I think the stress of always having to appear "Hot" is too much for these girls to take (I have a whole other theory on this as well).

3. They have no responsible parental figure to guide them along through their lives. If my mother saw me drinking myself into a stupor, no matter what my age, she would damn well put a stop to it. I can tell you, not from experience myself :), but I can tell you my mother would not allow me to be taken down so shameful.

4. Their self worth images are destroyed. Most women, the ones that have a good sense of self and have high esteem and respect for themselves, would not be seen doing half of what these girls do.

5. They have found that using their bodies gets them a good result, therefore diminishing their self worth. It is a vicious cycle. For example: Girl finds that if she shows a little body men react positively, Girl shows her body off, Girl realizes that men expect her to always show her body, Girl no longer wants to play this role, men stop looking or reacting positively to the new Girl, she notices the difference and shows a little body...cycle occurs again. It is a sad and vicious cycle that the girl is left with little recourse, especially girls that are used to being in the lime light and like being the center of attention...they feel they must stay there!

6. They are used to the fast life. Things are practically thrown at them. They need their lives to keep moving all the time, never knowing the value of a day's rest. This means that when their lives are not moving so quickly they must speed it up somehow...enter the drugs.

Put all of these factors into play together and what you have is a very unstable existence. Their livelihood and lives in general depend upon their looks, it is sad that that is what they base their worth on. As long as they party hard, look pretty, and show a little body they will continue to dominate our press and photographers will flock to them. These girls chose this life...they are famous for nothing but for their choices no matter what those choices may be. Paris was born wealthy, that no one would doubt, but she could have quietly went about her life and no one would never have known the difference. What does she do that is that great to begin with? Is she using her life for the betterment of her fellow humans? Is she benefiting those less fortunate? Is she a regular saint hiding under her fake eyelashes and pretty dresses? I want to hear about people trying to better the world not drinking themselves into regular idiots. I don't think I am alone in my thoughts about this. I think a lot of people are paying less attention to these types of famous people and focusing more on the ones that better our world. The lives of our fellow humans is becoming a stronger pull than the partying life of drunkards and druggies. We are caring less and less about the wardrobe of our celebrities and more about their service to this world. Even our own lives are changing to reflect this new concern for our world and fellow human beings.

Like the generations before us, we are becoming more united on our different fronts. There are more and more families going green (I have been a vegan for many years myself). I drive a hybrid car when I have to drive somewhere, I wash my clothes in cold water and air dry them, I raise my child on as little meat as possible but what I do give him is bought from a butcher and contains no preservatives. I don't feed my child any foods that are not natural. I also watch little TV and allow him the same. His addiction is the video games which I try hard to control. I believe in spending as little times indoors as possible. All these things are on the rise and with so much effort being made in bettering our world these kinds of starlets are finding a smaller and smaller audience. There is a change in the world that is starting and you will find in just a few years we are going to be a much healthier world. We are going to be focusing more on our environment and less on our technology. We are going to be focused more on bettering our children and less on the exploits of the rich and famous of this world. What I would like to see is more pay being given to teachers, solders, police officers, the people who deserve more pay for what they do and less pay being given to those who don't deserve it. Paris Hiltons, Lindsay Lohans need to be stopped. We need to stop feeding into their self destruction and feed our minds and souls more. It is sad but it is a reality of our world that needs to change. Our focus needs to come back down to Earth. We need to stop focusing on those things that take us from our families and focus more on the betterment of our selves.

I don't want to be wealthy, I want enough only to pay my bills. I don't want to be famous I love the anonymity of my life. I don't want to have hordes of fans and I don't want my life splashed on every page of the daily news. I want to be free to wear sweats and a raggedy T-shirt if that is what I feel like wearing. My self worth is an inner beauty that I share with no one. I don't have to be perfect on the outside I do however have to push myself to be the best human as possible. It is my duty as a human to share what good fortunes I have been lucky to have with someone who has less that I do. I may not have much but I am fortunate. I have health, I have a healthy child, I have a good family, I have the right to come and go as I please, I live in a free country...these are things that most people on this planet cannot say. I have clean drinking water..this simple little thing so many people have to do without. I am not sure what I will become and I am not sure where our country will be but I know that as the future comes I will mentally be prepared for what I have to face.

I worry about this country. People always find it funny, my friends used to rip on me quite a bit, I am a heavy metal fan. I believe I will fall in love with a man that does something along the lines of construction...but yet I am fascinated by politics. I pay attention what is going on. I am not someone you would think would pay much attention. I am a registered voter and take that role very seriously. I follow candidates and vote for the one with the best stance on issues that will effect me and my children. Me and my father have similar views on the war and fight my mom constantly about it. I back the war fully. No, I don't want to see our solders dying. No, I don't want any one's son or daughter to be killed. But the solders are there for a reason. That is their job, risks and all. And no matter what anyone says it is keeping the fighting there and not in my backyard. Terrorists are just that TERRORists...they will come here! That is a guarantee. I don't want to see that happen anymore than anyone else. We need to realize that. Okay enough with my political rantings...I need to get going. Thanks to all my readers...happy reading and good luck with whatever dream your heart holds dear!!

Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows

2007-07-23T08:04:00.000-05:00

(a note to readers I will be divulging scenes and moments from this book. Being a HUGE Harry Potter fan I do not under any circumstance want to ruin this wonderful moment for anyone. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, I beg you, if you have not finished the book but fully intend to...DO NOT READ any further! I would hate to be responsible for ruining this most important book in the entire series for anyone!)

It is with a heavy heart and a great deal of mourning that I say to you that I have finished the last book of the Harry Potter series. It has been a great ride and I have to say that I went through about a 12 hour bummer fest this weekend once I was finished. I don't know about anyone else but I felt as though I was saying goodbye to a good friend that I knew I would never see again. I believe that all Harry Potter fans feel a bit of ownership to the Harry Potter universe, we have read his intimate thoughts and feelings for almost a decade now. For most of us we went through our teenage years with this book under our noses. It's hard to let go.

I have to say that the Deathly Hallows is my favorite but most saddened book of the series. The action is so intense in some scenes that I literally could not stop reading. The sadness in some scenes was so real that I wept tears over the pages. When JKR said that there would be deaths in this book she was not lying or stretching the truth. We have to say a hurtful goodbye to a lot of our favorites in this book and more times than not the deaths are not dwelled upon. There is no time to say goodbye in a war, as JKR makes perfectly clear thoughout this book in particular. Harry is time and time again forced to say goodbye to his friends and companions breifly and quietly. He has to move beyond the deaths so that he can focus on the task at hand. (Please if you have not read the books please DO NOT read any further...here is where I will start divulging some of the inner workings and details of the book.)

Let's start with one of the greatest moments of heart in the book. I loved this scene for so many reasons, I have to start here. The book opens with a disturbing scene in the Malfoy home, which has been reluctantly turned into a Death Eater checkpoint of sorts. This scene was disturbing and uncomfortable to read. I personally wanted to reach through the pages and save Draco (which being one of my least favorite characters is saying something), you really get a view of Draco's sad existance throughout this book. The scene I do want to skip to came shortly after. It was the departure of the Dursley's. The Dursley family, whose name I have thought from the beginning sounds like a horrible disease (oh you have the durslies that is so horrible), is being moved to a safe location by the Order because they know that Voldy will definately torture them to get info on Harry. The scene is amazing and deep on so many levels. First there is the typical Vernon tantrum, always wanting to have the control over his own life, which Harry squashes pretty quickly. You can tell from the start of this scene that Harry's transformation into a man has been complete. He is no longer the quiet little boy living under the stairs, he speaks his mind and forcefully makes his point. He comes off, for the first time in a long time, like the powerhouse in this household-it made me feel proud and elated for him. The part, though, that not only blew my mind but made me get choked up was the goodbye between Dudley and Harry. These two boys grew up with each other. Dudley tormented Harry but having older cousins that were as close as siblings growing up, I can say honestly that his torments were nothing more than what is typical. The two Order members that were sent to escort the Dursley's to their safe haven were upset because there was no formal goodbye between Harry and the family that raised him. Harry explained that it was okay they could care the less about him, making a comment along the lines of "they think I am a waste of space". Dudley chimed in and said "I don't think you are a waste of space." WHAT? Never saw that one coming and neither did Harry. For Dudley, that is practically an I LOVE YOU. It was a touching scene to say the least. These two boys who were always at each others throats were now two men going their seperate ways. Maybe it was the sense of loss that got to Dudley. He was losing someone he has been with since he was one. There is a bond, although it may be an odd bond, there is a bond that is created between people raised together. After a touching goodbye with Dudley, ending with a very formal handshake, Harry was left alone with Petunia. I expected more from this scene but knew what I got was appropriate. She gave a knod of her head and went to the door. She gave a little pause at the door, like she wanted to say something, and then continued on her way. It was amazing. Very true to character and very deliberate in action. JKR made what could have been a very simple scene smolder. In true JKR fashion she put a deeper more emotional scene in something that could have been very dull.

The book takes us on a journey from the very start. Across Britain and into the depths of human emotion. What a wild ride this book is. Once left alone, Harry is picked up by the Order. They have an ingenious plan to have 7 Harry's fly out of the house. Polyjuice potion of course is used and 7 Harry's with 7 different Order guards are flown out of the house. They get ambushed, of course, and a harrowing and wild ride ensues. This scene had two deaths that were very sad. The first being Harry's beloved owl, Hedwig. She is killed by a Death Eater aiming for Harry but then as her cage is falling to the earth Harry hits it with a curse and it explodes. It is so sad but yet again they are in a time of war and there is little time to recoup from that death before you are thrust right back into the thick of the battle. Once they get to the Burrow, Harry realized that the others have been ambushed too. Slowly they stagger in, beaten and bruised. Slowly they make their way to the safety of the Burrow. Fred loses an ear in battle, some good jokes come out of this one in true Fred & George style. But then they realize that Mad Eye Moody is missing along with Mundungus (who becomes a REAL scumbucket throughout this book). Lupin has the horrible job of delivering the news, Moody was killed in battle. Immediately, there is a group that is formed to go out and find Moody's body before the Death Eaters get it. They never find it. His magical eye is later found in the Ministry.

The ministry is taken over by the Death Eaters, the minister of magic is killed, and every muggle born witch and wizard now has to be registered as if they are animals. It is a terrible time for the magical community. Snape becomes headmaster at Hogwarts, Death Eaters are sent in to teach the children and the kids are forced to sit through classes designed to create little Death Eaters. Neville becomes HUGE in this book. I love his role and growth in this book. No longer a stuttering clumsy little boy, he heads up a movement from within the school. He is tortured and beaten for his defiance but it doesn't even squelch him. He goes into hiding within the school and creates a sort of "Underground" railroad within the school to escort other children to safety. It is amazing to see this demention of Neville. He really becomes an amazing character that after reading all the books I finally love him. He is strong and brave. He has a sort of soft detachment to his own existance and continues the DA long after he realizes Harry is not coming back. Dumbledore's Army becomes more than just a bunch of kids learning the Dark Arts in this book, it becomes a movement. A sort of teenage version of the Order. It becomes a slogan and a subject for grafitti for those that oppose the current regime at Hogwarts. It is yelled out in times of peril to lift spirits. It is worth hanging onto for these kids and Neville is at the steering wheel. I absolutely LOVE JKR for putting Neville in this role. Finally he has become a character worth reading about.

Harry's journey through Britain in search for the Horcruxes is great. There is danger and snags all along the journey, but it brings him back full circle to the place where it all began for him, Hogwarts. Along the way we see him deal with going to Godric's Hollow to visit the graves of his parents, Ron's short disertion of Hermione and Harry, death and love. It is all there. It is just amazing. JKR delivers a powerful mastery of emotions in this book. Through his journey you see Harry grow from being a floundering lost human to being a man on a mission. He is seeing into the depths of Voldemort's mind this time, but using it in a way that is helpful. He delves into the inner workings of Voldy's mind to allow himself the access he needs to get to the Horcruxes. Absolutely one of the most amazing and spooky parts of the book. Harry is using the mind of evil for the greater good. Their journey takes them deep inside the Death Eater run ministry. To a scene of havoc and despair as Muggle born witches and wizards are brought to trial. Muggle borns have been accused of stealing magic from purebloods. In a scene much like something out of the holocaust it is distrubing on so many levels. These Muggle borns are coming to the Minstry (not realizing of course that the Minstry has been taken over by the Death Eaters because they also control the media much like current terrorist groups or much like Hitler's regime did) and they are stripped of their wands and put on trial for trumped up charges. They are ushered along like cattle, it is so sad. We see, through the eyes of our favorite trio, Umbridge (whose office door now has the eye of Moody hanging on it) taunt and even laugh at the Muggle borns as they plead for their lives. They are sent to Azkahban which becomes a sort of Muggle born concentration camp, all real criminals being released. We see here a very disturbing interaction between a Muggle born woman and Umbridge, in which everything she says to defend herself is turned over to mean something else. It is a disturbing and uneasy read, to say the least. In true Harry Potter form these people who happen to be there on the day the three infiltrate the ministry are saved. Moody's eye is buried and they move onto the next big adventure. I think this book will possibly upset many readers because of the depth in which JKR goes. The Death Eaters cruelty is definately shown in true form in this book. They have actual hunters out trying to find non registered Muggle borns, runaways from the school, and of course the ultimate prize of Harry or his devoted followers. We also get a glimpse at an underground radio station run by Lee Jordan and other members of the Order. The Death Eaters regime is very disturbing, all other books seemed to water down this but this book puts it all out on the table. Children and old women are killed by them and no one is safe. It is very difficult to read many of the parts.

The scene at Godric's Hollow is very interesting. There is a touching moment where Harry finally gets to his parents' graves. Where Harry finally sees the ruins of the scene that created his destiny. He also sees a memorial of sorts put up in the form of a statue of himself as a baby with his parents. There is also a moment of fear as an old woman escorts Harry to what he thinks will be Gryffindor's sword, only to have her body be ripped apart by the large snake that has infested it. Very scary scene. Again, they get away by the scuffs of their necks. They do this quite a bit in this book. One of the most disturbing and possibly hardest chapters comes when the trio is caught by these human hunters. Now the part you have to realize is that Voldemorts name has been made a Taboo. What this means is anyone who refers to Voldemort by Voldemort only (Death Eaters believing this to be a sign of disrespect) will give off a sort of beacon to themselves and they will then be taken in as opposers of Voldemort. Harry says his name and they are immediately swooped down upon. They are taken to the Malfoy residence where they are imprisoned until Voldemort gets there to confront Harry. By far the most disturbing part of this scene is when the boys are sent downstairs in the basement to wait and they can hear Bellatrix torturing Hermione for information upstairs. It is disgusting and horrible. Ron is yelling out her name and it is all so dramatic. It literally brought me to tears. It was horrible. But in pops Dobby to save the day and that he does, but not without a price. Dobby is killed by Bellatrix right as they are Disapperating from the house. Harry feels such loss and remorse for this that he digs Dobby's grave by hand alone. He places Dobby in the grave alone and etches out the words "Dobby a Free House Elf" on his tombstone. This is one of the only deaths we are allowed by JKR to dwell on and it is a hard hit. Dobby has been a constant since book two and has saved Harry's neck on more than one occasion. It is a very hard death.

Harry also finds out about the Deathly Hallows. It is explained through a children's story about three brothers who escape Death. Death then gives them three prizes for doing so. One is a wand that can beat any other wand the strongest in all of the wizarding world, a cloak that allows the wearer to escape death by being invincible, and a stone that when turned three times can bring back the dead. It is these three Deathly Hallows that become a focus throughout the book. These were the obsession of Dumbledore himself. Dumbledore's life and history (family in particular) comes into play quite a bit in this book. It is Dumbledore's brother that is helping Neville get children out of the school. There is a history on Dumbledore's family and sister Adriana that was tortured at 6 years old and refused to use magic. It is her death that set forth the events of Dumbledore's life. The reason why Dumbledore never took the ministry of magic position is also explained in this book. A good deal of time is spent in one of those deep heart to heart talks between Harry and Dumbledore (which I will explain how in a little bit) in which Dumbledore explains these things to Harry who is starting to question Dumbledore himself. It is amazing how all of a sudden everything makes sense. JKR really ties all the loose ends together in this book.

One of the biggest questions going into this book was the true loyalty of Severus Snape, the man who killed Dumbledore. Was he a Death Eater in disguise or an Order member in disguise? It was answered in one of the most amazing scenes. Because Snape killed Dumbledore than Voldemort came to the conclusion that it was Snape he had to kill to gain full control over the wand (THE Deathly Hallow wand) that he stole from Dumbledore's grave. Snape is attacked by Nagini (while Harry watches from under his cloak) and left to lie there and die by Voldemort who is now practically skipping with delight because he thinks he has finally got full control over the wand. Harry goes to Snape and in his last moment of life Snape releases his memories to Harry. When Harry goes to the Pensieve in Dumbledore's office he finds out the truth behind Snapes loyalties and his deep hatred for Harry. Snape had been in love with Lily (Harry's mother) since childhood. He had loved her so deeply and fully and yet because of his love for the Dark Arts Lily could never fully love him back. When Voldemort threatened Lily and then eventually killed her, his loyalty became fully Dumbledore's. When Dumbledore found the Horcrux ring he reaslized this was the stone that was the Deathly Hallow. It was the only Deathly Hallow that Dumbledore wanted with all his soul. He wanted to bring his sister back to life. He made a fool's mistake and put the ring on...he was poisoned. He was given one year to live in which time he would die in pain. He didn't want Voldemort (knowing that Voldemort would eventually figure out what his want was and the person who kills the previous owner is its rightful owner) to be responsible for his death so that he wouldn't get become the rightful owner of the most powerful wand in history. So, he made Snape promise, in order to keep Draco's soul pure of killing, to kill him. Snape did just that. He was sickened by it and hated himself for doing so, but he also did as Dumbledore asked and gave Harry this information before he died. It was one of those moments in the book where it all became very clear after it was put out there. Of course he hated Harry, Harry was the exact image of his father whom Lily married. The man that won out over Snape. But yet Snape had to protect him because he was Lily's child. It must have been hell for Snape to have a constant reminder right there in front of him of what he could have had. Of the woman he loved so much. Snape's patronus is a doe, the same as Lily's. It was this doe that was sent into the forest to bring Harry Gryffindor's sword so that he could destroy the Horcruxes. It was Snape that sent Dobby to rescue Harry from the Malfoy's house. It all became very clear. The children were not in that much danger because although he played the part of a Death Eater, Snape would never allow the children to be killed because he was Dumbledore's man. Harry actually named his child after Snape at the end of the book. And claimed that Snape was one of the bravest men he ever knew. How true that is.

Everyone wants to know how Harry finally did it. How did he finally defeat Voldemort? That was one of the best parts of the entire book. Harry finally realized that he is the 7th Horcrux. Voldemort, on the night he killed the Potters, unknowingly transferred a part of himself into Harry. This means that Harry must sacrifice himself out of the love for his fellow wizards in order to make it possible for Voldemort to be killed. Once he realizes this he sets off to find Voldemort to give himself over freely to save the masses of innocents being killed. He, along the way, finds Neville and makes Neville swear he will kill Nagini (the only Horcrux not yet destroyed) and Neville tells him yes. Once he finds Voldemort he leaves his hands at his side, walks up to him, and hears Voldemort scream out "Avada Kedavra". All Harry Potter fans are now crying, at least I was, but then something happens that no one sees coming. A trip to the other side with Harry. We get to see him talk to Dumbledore. And what is then found out is the part that was actually killed in Harry was the part that Voldemort himself put into him. Voldemort actually killed his own soul and left Harry's not only in tact but for the first time free from the constraints of Voldemorts soul. He is then given the option to go back to where he was or to stay in the peaceful surrounding with all his friends and family that had died. He goes back. Hagrid, who was taken hostage by the Death Eaters, thinking Harry is dead is forced by Voldemort to carry him up to Hogwarts. Harry plays dead so that he can get as close to Voldemort as possible without putting Hagrid in danger of being killed by the Death Eaters that are surrounding him. Here is one of the scenes that has actually haunted me since I finished it. Voldemort announces that Harry has been killed trying to escape the Hogwarts castle and deserting his followers who believe in him. McGonagall screams first and this shocks Harry. But the worst sound he heard was Ron, Hermione, and Ginny screaming for him. He hears the Death Eaters laughing and then he hears Neville. Neville runs up front screaming NO and then he yells out DUMBLEDORE'S ARMY, which gets the crowd all worked up to fight again. Voldemort then offers Neville the chance to come over to the Death Eaters and Neville tells him when hell freezes over. Voldemort then decides to use Neville as an example to all those who oppose him. He binds Neville's body up and then puts the burning Sorting hat on his head. In a sign that the school will now be under Death Eater's rule and that there will be no houses besides Slytherines. Neville's screams make Harry decide that enough is enough. All at once Harry puts on his cloak, unbinds Neville who upon taking off the hat finds Gryffindor's sword inside, Neville cuts off Nagini's head, and then Harry puts up a sheild charm between Neville and Voldemort. All this time Hagrid is screaming because he cannot find Harry's body. A fight then makes it's way into the castle. You have the Death Eaters and Voldemort fighting against not only wizards but threstrals, hippogriffs, house elves, students, parents, siblings, and the Order. It is a wild scene. This was the second battle of the night for Hogwarts but it was by far the best. It was a crazy scene and very chaotic. In the end the deaths were numerous but the scene that captured it all was the final duel between Harry and Voldemort. Once Harry revealed himself people were cheering and screaming and then it became obvious what was going to come next. What I love about this scene is Harry calls Voldemort Tom Riddle, his given name, a name that Voldemort was ashamed of in life. It was an amazing touch. Also his death was so quiet. It wasn't this big long drawn out duel he killed himself basically. Both him and Harry did their spells at the same time. Harry a disarming spell and Voldemorts the killing curse. Harry got the sword and Voldemort was killed. He just died...nothing really drawn out. It was the perfect touch. Perfect scene. Really JKR did great in showing that Voldemort was just a man, a mortal man, and that he couldn't fight death. It happened. It was great. This final battle against good and evil came with a big price though. Amoung the dead are Lupin, Tonks, and Fred Weasley and 50 more nameless others.

But through it all there is hope and happiness. There are scenes that have you laughing out loud. Like Ron's rude aunt. Lupin and Tonks get married, have a boy, and name Harry the godfather. Bill and Fleur get married and are right there to support their family and Harry in the fight. Bellatrix is finally killed by Mrs. Weasley who calls her a bitch. Harry ends up marrying Ginny and Ron and Hermione fall in love and get married. There is a scene where they are about to go into the battle where Ron and Hermione start kissing. It is hilarious because Harry gets annoyed that they couldn't pick a better time to do that! The book ends with them sending their own children off to Hogwarts. Neville is the herbology teacher. Very good ending to a very good series.

If nothing else one can safely say that JKR has made it cool to read again! She brought a series that is going to be a classic for years to come. I can't wait to give them to my son to read or my grandchildren. They are never going to know, sadly, the frantic heart pounding adrenaline of a release day. Or the wait that leads to ultimate satisfaction in getting the book, but they will enjoy them just the same. I am sad to say goodbye to my friends in the wizarding world but I know that they are forever etched in my heart and mind. They have taught us lessons no other book series has and for that I thank her. We have learned to truly love a character and I look forward to the last two movies. Although, in my heart, I am hoping that she continues the series possibly with their children. It would be great but I am not getting my hopes up too far. Good luck to JKR in all of her ventures and I want to say thank you as well...for a wild ride!! We will miss Harry but will cherish the decade as one when magic entered back into our lives!!

Seeing God

2007-07-21T08:42:00.000-05:00

Yesterday in Tampa Bay we had some wicked thunderstorms. This is perfectly normal for this time of year around here. We are in the rainy season and afternoon storms are just a way of life. What is unique is that yesterday three different people and a plane were struck by lightning. Luckily no one was seriously injured. What I want to know, not that I want to experience it, is what it is like in that moment. You know that precise moment when the lightning hits you. Is it like a Divine moment? One of those moments when you see all of your life pass before you? There was an ancient ritual where they used to shock themselves thinking it brought them closer to God. Would lightning victims claim the same thing? It makes you wonder what that moment is like.

I happen to know two people who have been struck multiple times. The woman I know has been hit 4 different times. She cannot be near electronics and computers will go haywire near her. It is interesting but she doesn't fear storms. I would think she would be the one hiding under the bed. I have asked her if it was a Divine moment and she claims not. She claims that it always happens so fast that you don't know you have been hit until it leaves your body. She also said the pain is intense, like nothing that can be explained. But then again some people, for generations now, have flogged themselves in the name of Christ. How can pain be associated with God? For some, including Nuns and Monks, that is part of their daily regimen. It is part of taking the suffering of Christ literally. I pointed this out to her and she claims the only Godly thought she was having was "Oh God" as the lightning pulsed through her body.

This brings me around to an interesting point. What have people done in the name of Christ. The pain people have suffered claiming to have messages from beyond. It is an interesting thought. It made for a very interesting research paper I did in college. I was taking a religious studies course and did my paper on Pain as it relates to religious experiences. Here were some of my interesting find.

People believe that wrestling snakes helps them conquer Satan and the sins of temptation. Upon visiting one of these churches I came to a conclusion. These people, much like the so called marters of Islam, take one line of the Bible and have based an entire religion upon it. They claim that if you are bitten by the snake it is a sign from God that you are not being truthful in your attempt to overcome sins. These are poisonous snakes and some of the participants, at least upon my visit, were children. I really was amazed that people would find this an appropriate way to worship their God.

There is a religious cult like belief that the pain of wearing barbed wire around ones thigh, abdomen, or even upper arm will remind you all day the pains Christ suffered to save us from our sins. It is an interesting notion but one that has a very disturbing side effect. In doing my research I came across a young girl that wanted to prove she was so devoted to Christ that she proceeded to cut her palms and her feet to mimic the marks of being crucified. It was disturbing in the fact that her parents were fine with this behavior. I did some studying on being crucified and what that entailed, I can tell you now that was not a death worth mimicking. You talk about torture. It often was outside the city walls but close enough that it could be a constant reminder to the Jews not to question the authority of the Roman rule. Family and friends were not allowed to sit at the feet of their loved ones and often times the person was buried in a "criminal's tomb"- an insult to Jewish beliefs, if they were buried at all. Often times they were thrown into a mass grave filled with criminals. It was a horrid way of death. I pointed this out to her but it did nothing to discourage her self mutilation.

There are stories dating back centuries of Saints practicing self mutilation in the name of Christ. I am not sure what the sick fascination is with this act but it is disturbing to say the least.

Anyways I have ranted enough. What started as a brief question has turned into another ranting. I will find the research paper I did and add more at a later date. Again, thank you for looking and happy reading! I must go now for Book 7 of the Harry Potter series is calling me yet again to fall victim to the allure of its pages!

A Frightening Thought

2007-07-18T07:46:00.000-05:00

I have to start by apologizing here this one will have no pictures. There is no brightening up this story. I need to put it down exactly as it should be without any pictures...my sincerest apologies. While listening to my favorite radio morning show on the way to work yesterday this is the story I heard:

We get into the study on people getting high at work. Buckethead wonders what athletes or high profile jobs are doing their thing high. Rockin Granny says she can’t sit at a desk doing medical records for 9 hours without smoking out. Rich is a paramedic that smokes, Derek does government contracts, “Anonymous” is a surgical assistant and has assisted in major surgeries while high. Jesus! Another “Anonymous is a skydiving instructor that gets really high, Mike is a truck driver, and “Anonymous” is in the HR department for a security company who drug tests their employees. Ironic, huh? Lance calls in and is pissed that we are promoting this. Bucket explains that we are not encouraging people to get high and do their jobs, but bringing awareness to the people that you trust with major things who are stoned at work. “Anonymous” installs safety railings in high-rise buildings while baked. Jay, the ass-jack school bus driver admits that he has done pot, coke and acid and driven kids to school the next day still messed up. Bucket draws the line here and reams him for endangering the lives of lots of kids. He decides that Jay wont give up the drugs so either he willingly quits his job, and we will even help him find a new one and get him into rehab if he wants, or we will call him out. He says he will quit. Good choice.

Jarhead Ed says that driving stoned is a lot better than driving drunk. Now we are just splitting hairs. Megan sent an email wondering why we ripped into the school bus driver so much and not the paramedic. Bucket says a line was crossed. We were bringing attention to these people that you wouldn’t expect to be messed up while doing their jobs, but driving a bunch of kids around under the influence is absolutely unacceptable. - http://www.thebucketheadshow.com/

I wasn't upset they were doing the segment I want to know who does this, I think we should all know. What I don't get is why aren't these places randomly drug testing. A bus driver should have to submit to random unannounced drug testing. I think that the host handled this one properly in saying this has gone too far. This has to come to an end. I would like to update you also with what I heard this morning. Jay the bus driver called back in, the host gave him an ultimatum: Quit by the end of the day or I will call the county in which you work for and tell them. Good Call!! The host also said they were bombarded by emails and phone calls...they even had a news station trying to get his information. He said that so far he has kept the guy's privacy but that will only last until 5:00 tonight. It will be interesting to see how this one ends. Needless to say I will be driving my son to school each day. No way will I put him on a bus system that doesn't even test their drivers. Bad call on the part of the school district here!

The Cursed Train

2007-07-17T15:21:00.001-05:00

According to today's news in Tampa, FL listen to this one:

A 133-car Amtrak Silver Star train derailed in Plant City at about 3:15 Tuesday afternoon after colliding with a pickup truck.
The pickup truck then caught on fire. The condition of the driver isn't clear at this time.
One hundred thirty-three passengers were on board the train, along with 12 crew members, when the derailment happened. They have been evacuated.
Witness Brent Bradley said the train did not flip over on its side or completely go off the track.
The incident occurred on U.S. Highway 92 east of Park Road. U.S. 92 is closed between Park Road and Wilder Road.
The train started its trip in Miami and was headed to New York when the accident happened. It was the same train that was involved in Monday evening's fatal accident in which four people were killed in Polk County.

I would find myself another way home if I was a passenger!

The Romance Novel

2007-07-17T13:24:00.000-05:00

Okay so I am not too proud of what I am about to write but here it goes. Recently I have gotten into reading romance novels. And not just any romance novels but the kind that are historical and raunchy. Not too sure why but I have. And I think it has become a sort of addiction for me. I wonder if anyone else has experieneced this phenomenon? I am sure that I am not alone. I picked one up for a bit of light reading. I typically read deap philisophical novels. You know the kind that make your brain work, but I wanted something I could breeze through and not have to think to hard in the process. Well now three months later and 65 books under my belt and I am addicted. I can't get enough of their storylines. Am I odd? I mean to be honest they are like lady porn. It is crazy really. I have always concidered myself a romantic person by nature but this is ridiculous. I find myself staying up WAY too late reading them, I can't seem to put them down. Maybe it is my own lack of personal romance that is driving me to read them, I don't know but I do know that I find them fascinating.

So here's the deal I want to try my hands at one. I want to write my own romance novel. Here's the thing I don't know where to begin. I don't know how much effort goes into writing one of these books. Do I really need to do some major research or can I just write what I think should happen? I don't know anyone who reads these books that are really deep historians so I can't really ask someone their opinion. So I come to you all with a plea....where should I begin? Should I use a pen name? I have never really thought of what I would call myself if I had chosen my own name. It is an interesting concept changing my identity for the sake of a book. I like it. It makes the writer mysterious. It also ties me to a past. A deep history or women writers changing their names. Granted the women that have gone before had to to be taken seriously but still it is a fascinating thing. I don't expect to write the next great American novel, although that was my senior prediction years ago when I left that sheltered world called High School. I just want something that I can show people and say "See I wrote this." Call me vane I don't care but I want some woman somewhere finding her heart enlightened about my story of love. I have a story line in my head but have not written anything down as of yet. The other thing is the era in which I am going to write spoke a much more complicated version of our language. Do I use that form of English or my own? Not too sure. Also where direction do I take to get this thing published? How do I know where to go once I have it written? Anyone that could help lead me in the right direction I would be eternally in debt to you.

A Theme Song For All Time

2007-07-16T07:52:00.000-05:00

When you walk through a storm

Hold your chin up high

And don't be afraid of the dark.

At the end of a storm

Is a golden sky

And the sweet, silver song of a lark.

Walk on, through the wind,

Walk on, through the rain,

Though your dreams be tossed and blown.

Walk on, walk on with hope in your heart,

And you'll never walk alone,

You'll never walk alone.

***************************************************

So, I think if I had to choose a theme song for myself this would be the one. I have fallen on hard times recently, which accounts for my lack of blogging, but does not excuse it. As I wrote before, my job, which I love dearly, is coming to an end. So, now I am on the job hunt...trying to sell myself to strangers in a short half hour interview. How can that possibly be done? How can I let them know the real me in such a short time? Interviews make me nervous and when I get nervous I tend to ramble, no one wants to hire a plain mousy headed chatter box. It makes me want to scream! I don't like business attire and quite frankly the thought of stuffy offices makes me break out in hives, but I have to do what is best for myself and my son. I just wish I knew which direction that was. Then I look at my son's upcoming birthday and cringe because I don't know how I will afford the Wii system he has been begging for when I have to buy him school supplies to start the year out with. It is all very stressful right now and I am not sure how to ease my worried mind. I try to hold my head up and keep forging ahead when all I really want to do is go back to bed. I know that everyone falls on hard times and I shouldn't be really complaining I have a roof over my head and that is something to be thankful for but I am not sure how much more I can take. My grandma has always had a great phrase that I truly do believe in "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." or even better "God will never give you more than you can handle." Well, my only problem is I don't know if I can handle much more.

If my theme song is correct than I should not feel alone if I am walking on through the storm, but why then do I? Why do I feel so helpless and alone? I find myself at the mercy of others and it makes me so scared. It takes a lot to scare me or stress me out...I have been through too much to let anything really get me down...but I am down. I try so hard to hide it from my parents and my son. You know, put on my little mask of delight and move past it, but I am starting to pay for that decision as well. My health is starting to be affected and I have no way of paying for the doctor. AHHHHHH!!! Would anyone really blame me if I just rolled up in bed and never again faced this unmistakably insecure world? Yes, they would. And I would blame myself for letting me get so beaten down. Through many years of trials and heartaches I have forged through undaunted, I truthfully don't know what makes this time so much different. Maybe it is the compound effects of so many different elements. The guilt of leaving my son day in and day out to go to work, missing so much of his childhood. I never heard his first words and I hardly remember the smell of him as a baby. I missed all of it. And now as a young child I feel I have lost all connection to him. I don't know him, not how my mother always knew me and my brother. I don't know how he acts two days before he gets sick, I don't know when he needs me even though I am not with him (we used to call my mom a witch for her innate ability to come and find us if we needed her), and I certainly don't act like your typical "mom". I never utter typical "mom" phrases and I have very little rules for him to be governed by. How can I possibly call myself his mother? I hate it. This is the part about single parenting that I despise and I find myself damning his father a lot lately for being so horrid. Why couldn't he stand by me the way my dad stands by my mom? Why couldn't I have that husband that supports us? I guess for me it wasn't meant to be. Add to this the unmistakable issue of no money and you have a compounded problem. I have literally .26 to my name right now and no idea where I am going to get anymore money. It is very unnerving to me to have to explain to my young son why he can't get that new game he has wanted because I don't have the money. He is a good kid and should have all the things that the world has to offer but I just can't provide them to him. I am a strong person, this has always been true, but how much strength do I need in this life? Just for once I don't want creditors to call me. Just for once I would like to buy myself brand new clothes and not feel guilty. Just for once I would like to take a weekend getaway and not have to count dimes and pennies just for gas.

Now living in southern Florida has it's benefits, this I will never deny. We have beautiful weather year around, the sun is always bright, and we are lucky to have such a great economy. Now you are probably wondering where I am headed with this. I want the next few sections to show that even with all the bad I still have my sense of philosophy and fun. I still laugh. The bi product of living in southern Florida, besides the hurricanes and traffic, is the creatures. We have creatures. Big nasty creatures. We have had palmetto bugs in our living room, geckos in our bedrooms, and snakes in our lanai. Sounds bad right? Not so much. But what we found in my parent's shower on Thursday was disgusting. There was a huge nasty slimy toad in her shower. We have no idea where it came from and quite frankly I don't care. But my mother was in the bathroom when I heard a scream unlike any other. I really thought someone was trying to kill her in there. I took off running and got to the door to find my pasty faced mother pointing into her shower. There sitting in the corner was this nasty frog, about the size of my hand. Not like the cute little tree frogs that stick to our house, but a nasty mustard colored toad. Well, the day was horrible and I had been suffering from stomach cramps all day. To say this was the nail that drove my nervous breakdown home would be an understatement. Where was I in my mother's time of need? Not dashing in to save her I was bent over on the floor, tears streaming from my eyes, laughing so hard my sides hurt. I think it was the fear in my mother's face that drove me my fits of laughter or the absurdity of the situation. Either way I laughed until I was in tears. I took pictures of the ugly beast basking in the sunlight filtering through my mother's bathroom skylight. I couldn't help myself. I emailed friends with the astounding picture of our little visitor. And then I stopped. It wasn't very funny anymore. All of a sudden, just like the flip of a switch, I saw the meaning behind the toad. Earlier I had said out loud to my mother "I think God has left my corner. I just don't know if he is even there anymore." I have not uttered these words since my ex beat me to an inch of my life. I have never questioned God's unending love for me. I always just knew he was there. FROG is an anagram that a friend of mine used when her son was dying of cancer. Forever Rely On God. That was her thing. Frogs fill her home, even now two years after her little one passed away. It got her through her heartache and loss. I honestly don't know how she made it through losing her 4 year old son, I think I would have folded up myself, but she claims that God always sent her frogs and toads as little reminders to her that he was still there to be relied on. I don't know if this is what she meant but all of a sudden I felt very peaceful with myself. God had sent that frog into our house to remind all of us that he is still there and to rely on him. Whether this is true or not I can't tell you but it sure changed my day. All of a sudden my cell phone was ringing and I got three interviews set up in one day. Things started happening. So be far from me to question one's belief in superior beings. I don't claim to know the cosmos and I don't want to change any one's view. You believe in whatever deity fits your life and I will believe in mine. But something changed things that day.

Now again living in south Florida has it's benefits. Swimming is one of them. Most communities have pools and if not you are sure to know someone that has one. My grandmother's 55+ community (another amenity of southern Florida that is not in short supply but I will complain about snowbirds another time) has a pool. Me and my son are frequent visitors of this pool. I love the indoor setting and the jacuzzi is to die for. So we picked my grandmother up and went over to the pool. Now you need to understand that my grandma just bought a BRAND NEW bathing suite maybe 2 weeks ago because she lost her other one. So I went to pick her up and she is wearing white shorts and a white shirt (that she wore 3 days in a row mind you) and decided she wasn't going to swim today. No big deal. My grandmother isn't a swimmer matter of fact she is terrified of water. She is the only person I have ever met that can sink wearing a life jacket. So we headed down to the pool. It wasn't packed but did have two older gentlemen and a couple of younger kids in the pool at this time. So my grandma is sitting in the chair while I am in the pool with my son. All of a sudden I turn around and my grandmother is sitting on one of the pool steps. IN HER WHITE SHORTS WITH WHITE UNDERWEAR UNDERNEATH. Oh my God!! I all of a sudden was completely embarrassed. There wasn't one of her "personal effects" not showing. It was all there for the world to see. I was absolutely mortified. Another thing that I am great about is I don't get embarrassed easily but I was faced with a half naked grandmother in the a public pool. Oh dear God what was I to do? So I swam on over to her and struck up a conversation. Trying to keep her in the pool until the other men left. Finally we were alone for a brief moment in time. She proceeded to stand up and walk over to the door all of her assets showing through her shorts. Finally she put a towel around her. Then she said she had to go to the bathroom. Okay I thought that will give me a moment of peace. WRONG!! She came back carrying her shorts with only the towel wrapped around her bottom. Now it was a child's towel I had brought for my son so not everything was covered. Finally I couldn't take anymore. I got my son out of the pool and took her home to change. Wait you would think my story is done right? Oh how wrong you are. Now she is sitting in my car and I am thinking to myself..."how is she going to get into her house without any neighbor seeing her?" So I pull into her driveway and wouldn't you know she walks into her house bold as brass without the towel. This has got to be one of the MOST embarrassing moments of my life. And my son, in his child like innocence, asks me if I saw Mama Gigi's (what he calls my grandmother) butt. I cannot begin to tell you the burden that an elderly family member can become. I love her to death but she puts quite a strain on those she is around. A two year old child would gladly walk into a house or wade in the public pool naked...but my grandmother? And who wants to see that anyways? As far as I am concerned my grandmother has always been old and always stayed fully dressed. It was not only mortifying but sad. It showed how low she has really let herself go. Since her sister's death she has changed like night and day. I don't know how any of us are going to survive her without killing either her or one another. It is just crazy. Anyone who has dealt with dementia knows what I mean. There are moments, like the pool moment, where you want to laugh but your heart aches so bad you can't. She can't help the things she does I know that. She can't help being so dependant on us, but she has really put everyone in a bind. She didn't plan on her elderly years AT ALL. All the burden was left to her two daughters and financially the strain is unbearable. Her daily living expenses have cost both daughters their good credit, their houses, and nearly killed two marriages. Not to mention the strain it is putting on the relationship between my mother and her sister. My mother is going to have a nervous breakdown. I can see it coming. And there is nothing I can do to stop it. It is horrible to watch and I ask God to guide us through it but I don't know if my mother is going to pull through her depression or not. It's sad to see and I wish there was something I could do for her. I try to be her rock someone to lean on but right now I could really use a rock of my own. It's hard when you have two weak links depending on each other for support!

I always tell my son that God provides for our basic needs even when we don't know how he will do it. Saturday I took my son to McDonald's for lunch. It was part of our date day. We go on dates ever weekend so that we can have our time alone to just hang out and talk. We were sitting inside eating our meal when we noticed two homeless men outside. Now another thing about the Tampa Bay region of Florida is that homeless people are everywhere. It is something you get accustomed to. And you begin to become numb to the effects of seeing them. These two were shirtless, filthy, and so painfully thin they looked like the walking dead. My son asked me why they looked that way and I tried to explain it as gently as I could. We sat through our meal watching as they approached people begging for money or food. It was sad and so horrid to watch. People walked right by them without uttering a word or even glancing their way. How horrible of a human race have we become that we can walk right by a dying man and not look him in the eyes? It was awful. My son reminded me of what I always tell him about God providing for us and asked why God had not provided for these two men. How observant of him. How do you answer that as a parent? How can you explain drug addiction, job loss, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or any of the other reasons why someone might be homeless. How can you tell a six year old child that sometimes life is unfair? I couldn't do it. I couldn't explain to him. And I sat back quietly and watched as my son shed a tear for these two men. So as we were leaving he looked up at me all smiles and proclaimed "Mama, we were sent here to provide for them. That's what it is. God did provide for them today. He sent us here so we could feed them." Now, like I said my funds are dwindling fast and I had to push back a cell phone bill just so I could take my son on a date. But I bought the two men a cheeseburger each. A woman that was standing behind my son and heard what he said placed her hand on my shoulder and looked at me with tears in her eyes. "You have an amazing child there. He is going to change the world you know that." And she bought the men two sodas. The man standing in front of us turned around, patted my son on the head, and proceeded to buy the two men fries. So my son skipped out to the men holding the bag filled with a meager meal and fed the two men. I was amazed at how he handled the situation. Most children would have been terrified of these two men. Most children would have commented on the stench rising around them. But not my son. He smiled up at them and handed them the bag and then the drinks and said "There God provided for you." I have never witnessed a more touching scene in all my life. As these two filthy men broke into smiles. The one looked up at me and said "You have an angel here maim". The other nodded in agreement. On our drive home I cried. Not for my own worries. Not for the plight of the world. But for these two men, whom I didn't even know. For the two men that my son had fed. For the two men that would not have had a lunch had God not put us there. If my son wouldn't have said anything about them. Not been effected by them in the least, they would have surely went on that day with grumbling tummies. But we fed them and provided for them. And in that instant my son taught me a valuable lesson. We are here for a reason and that reason is simple: to be human. To feel as humans for other humans. One man's poverty effects my poverty. One man who is hungry should be fed by the man who has too much food. That is our reason for being here. I don't know what my son will grow up to be but I think it is safe to say it will be something good!

Whatever the outcome of my job search. My life's situation. My grandmother. I know this much to be true. Laugh every chance you get. Cry when you need it most. Never take for granted the good things when they are there. And never give up hope that tomorrow the light will come back on and good things will happen. When one door closes one opens up. And your heart does heal no matter how deep the cut. We are strong and complex creatures, we humans, and somehow we strive for the better life even though for most of us it always seems just beyond our reach.

Baby Shower

2007-06-29T08:58:00.000-05:00

I am throwing a baby shower for my sister-in-law on Saturday. It should be a good time but I think that I am a little nervous about it. The first thing I have to say is that I don't know her side of the family at all and I am not quite sure how they are going to be. This uncertainty is making me very nervous. Me and my mom have put a lot of time, effort, and money into this shower and I am so scared that it is not going to go well. My sister-in-law grew up in Florida's foster care system. She has NEVER had a party thrown for her before. When I say never I mean never. No birthday party, graduation party, nothing. I really want this to go well for her sake. I want it to be fun and an event she will remember for a long time to come. I have said it before and I will sing his praises again...I have the best boss in the world. I say that to make a point he is allowing us to use his $600,000 house to throw the party in. The house is stunning, and up for sale if anyone is interested, and should be a wonderful place for any party. CLICK ON THE PICTURE BELOW TO GO TO THE INFO FOR THE HOUSE!!!

It is also very exciting because it is the first time I will be an aunt. I am going to be a horrible aunt. Not in the bad yucky giving you sloppy kisses (okay I might) horrible sense but rather in the spoiling sense. I am a nut when it comes to kids, maybe because I am a kid myself most days. My cousins (two 12 year-olds and a 10 year old) think I am the coolest adult they have ever met. My son says I am the coolest mom ever (something I take great pride in thank you very much). So I am hoping that I will be the coolest aunt ever. I am concerned though with my sister-in-law's past how she will be as a mother. She has been a miserable pregnant woman and I hope that her childish manners fade when the baby comes. Still I worry that my brother will end up like me...a single parent. I know he can handle it better than anyone else. He is a lover of children (he spoils my son so horribly it is no wonder my son can even walk) and he would NEVER EVER be mean or hurtful to a child...her on the other hand I worry about. My brother claims everything will be fine but there is still that little voice in the back of my mind saying "I don't know about this one". I know she will love the baby and I know the baby will be taken care of physically (hygiene wise) but emotionally I don't know if she is ready. She is very "ME" and is prone to tantrums (okay so I refer to her as Pretty Princess but that is a whole different thing) and as a mother I can tell you there is very little "Me" in parenting. And most tantrums occur around two years old and require a diaper and shrill screams! I am just concerned for the well being of my brother and this baby. Also, because she is the product of the life she was born into, she has a possessive nature. When me and my mom say something like "Well, you will need rest. If you need it we can come and take the baby." We mean an hour or so. She interprets it as we will take the baby. It is understandable. In her growing up when someone took the baby that was it. The baby was gone and you never saw it again. I have tried to control my words and spoke to my mother at length about it. But I worry that this possessive nature will make it nearly impossible for anyone to hold or even care for the baby. It is a selfish concern, I know, but still it concerns me. I will never rip a baby away from their mother, without very good hard evidence that the baby is in a life threatening environment, let alone take the baby and do whatever with it. I don't think she understands that we are a loving family. We can be trusted. That we love that baby and her and that we will never harm either in any way. It is sad that the system produces this kind of paranoia in someone but my contempt with the foster care (and children services in general) system is far too long winded for this blog. I have worked for the system before and I can tell you from an insider it is a corrupt institution. Far too many times I saw case workers turn a blind eye either because the parents were high ranking officials, they were already too overburdened with bulging case loads, or their superiors told them there was nothing to worry about. Children are at such a risk in today's society and it is sad that the people that are supposed to be there to help them don't always follow through. Don't get me wrong I worked with some wonderful people but I also worked with people who were once very gung ho about their jobs and over the years they got burned out. I know I did that is why I left. It is a hard job that no one should do unless they can mentally block out the horrible scenes and stories they know. I personally could not and had to leave. I was physically and emotionally destroyed from that job.

All in all I am very excited. A new addition, a baby, in any sense of the word is meant to bring joy. A joy that will last through the years. Children are to be cherished for each day they show us how to live. They teach us more than we can ever teach them, I know my son has. They teach us to stop and stare at the inch worm because it is a wondrous thing. They teach us that bubbles in the back yard can beat any amusement park. They teach us that it is not how much money we spend on them but in fact that we spend time with them. It is the little things that matter to children. The smiles and hugs mean so much more than careful control and rules. Saying yes more than no means so much to them. I will never forget the time I allowed my son to use his feet to paint instead of his hands...it was the most fun I have ever had. Not only because I too felt the squishy delight in the paint between my toes but because he lit up the room with his laughter. In the story of Peter Pan the author says that when a baby laughs the laugh is broken up into hundreds of tiny particles and each particle become a fairy. I don't know how many fairies have been created because of my son but I know that the magic of that laugh has intertwined itself around my heart. There is so much joy in his laughter it brings tears to my eyes. Sometimes I tickle him just to hear it. And no matter how rough the day that laugh will cheer me up in a minute. I hope my sister-in-law finds the laughter of her child so addictive. The smell of baby in the morning beats coffee any day. These are the simple things I hope that my sister-in-law finds joy in. I hope beyond measure that she provides motherly love that she herself has never received. I hope that she sees me and my mother as guiders to what mothers are supposed to be and rises up to the occasion. Maybe it is the fact that she is my brother's wife, maybe I am supposed to be like this. Maybe, no matter who he married, I would have worried for him. I don't know I have never been a sister in law before. I just hope that no matter what the outcome that baby stays innocent and always keeps the twinkle in his eyes. I will have to remember to be patient, because parenting is a skill that takes years to accomplish and still mistakes are made. Parenting is the one thing in this world that you can never truly perfect. It requires no license and has no manual but you are expected to accomplish great things besides. It will take her time and maybe she questions herself too, I don't know, but I will try to be as supportive as possible. I don't know how the scene will play out and I certainly don't know what the future holds but I do know that the joy of a little one will be all I need to get me through anything!

OKAY SO I GUESS I WAS WRONG THERE IS A MANUAL!!

Family Tensions

2007-06-22T11:08:00.000-05:00

I don't understand the split in my family currently any more than the next person but I can tell you what I see. Families split. I think it is the nature of us as humans. We move on and change but it is sad that it has to be that way. We have grown as a family and it has not been for the better. Unfortunately the riff is occurring right before our eyes and there is not much I can see to stop it. There is divorce on the horizon, the looming dilemma of putting my grandmother in assisted living, and the tension of daily struggle. It is taking its toll on everyone!

The riff, I suppose, has been coming for awhile now but we have all been too blind to see it. Or too afraid what the outcome was going to be to fix it. I am saddened by this for multiple reasons all the obvious ones included. You could see the split coming almost 3 years ago. The distance between my mother and her sister growing ever stronger. The snide little remarks said beneath their breaths. The way we interacted with each other growing dimmer and more strained by the moment. We knew it was coming and yet none of us did anything to stop it from happening. No one screamed out that this was insanity. No one gave us the heads up. No one even whispered that something might be wrong. Wham! Here it is, in your face, and ready to crumble completely.

It is always sad to me how things like this occur. You don't want them to. You want everyone to just go back to when we were a strong close knit family. We are being torn apart limb by limb and I feel helplessly lost in all of it. I am stumbling through a darkened tunnel and I am not quite sure when the light is going to shine at the end. The stress of having an elderly family member is great. I never thought it could be. I have heard people say it but never thought there was much validity to it. There is. It is hard. It is hard to deal with each passing day and the moments they are having. It is hard to watch them cripple with age, their bodies and minds not what they once were. This stress is culminating within our family. My grandmother is elderly, although she would never admit it. Being a single woman, the brunt falls on her family. We would willingly take care of her, hold her up, and carry her burdens...if she didn't make more burdens than the ones that are already there. There is NOTHING wrong with her. This point I have to make. She has had every test known to man...from CAT scans to MRI's...NOTHING. Blood work turns up nothing. She has it in her mind that she is dying. That there is some horrible disease she is suffering from and there is nothing. This makes it very hard to feel any concern for her, or to even know how to help her, since you never know which ache and pain is real and which one is a figment of her overactive imagination. She is never happy. Never in a million years is she happy or content. She sits and pouts if things don't go her way. If we do not drop everything, including what is best for our children, to cater to her every whim she sulks. It is a difficult and complicated web she has weaved. And we are tired.

Divorce is on the horizon. You can see it plain as day. The divorce of my aunt and uncle would be a devastating blow to a lot of people, most of all to their three young sons. The stress of life has taken its toll on this once tight family. They have been so blemished by money and family issues that it has torn apart their home. My grandmother has her venom in this issue as well. She requires so much time and energy she has left very little for my aunt to use to focus on her own home. They have been sucked dry by circumstances beyond their control. It is sad to watch and I know that there is nothing, personally, that can be done to right the wrongs. Not being married, I guess I do not understand what it takes to make them work. But I would think that in times of hardship would be the time you would want to get closer together. Pull the resources you have available and plow right through it. I know that for some this just cannot be done. I have to wonder sometimes if my aunt married her husband for love or for security. She was a single mother and he came in and took right over the role of "dad" with her 3 year old daughter. Now that daughter is 22 and practically married herself. Odd how time changes things. I just have to wonder if he was more of a security marriage than a love marriage. Can such a marriage ever be deemed a success? Can you marry someone for security and ever expect to get through rough times together? My parents have had their moments of hardships. They have fought like cats and dogs. They are polar opposites, but it works. They have been married for 30 years and I don't know how. I look at them and then my aunt and wonder what is different. What is the difference in the two couples and which would I rather have? Would I marry someone because he can provide for me? What happens when the security he once gave me is no longer there..can I stand by him? I don't know. I don't think that is the intention of marriage, but i have said before I am a hopeless romantic. Maybe that is the reason I am still single. I am waiting for the perfect match and all I am supposed to wait for is the one that will do! I don't know. Divorce is such an alien thing to me. How do you just call it quits so easily? How can you walk away from someone, who although he may not have money has provided you with comfort? How can you walk away when he has been a model good husband, never laid a hand on you, and has been an excellent father? Maybe he is the one walking away I don't know the details and I really don't want to. It just makes me think of life. How sad and ever changing it can be. Sometimes it is so good you want to cry out and other times your heart just breaks. I hope they can reconcile. I hope that things work for the better, maybe that includes divorce. I just want what is going to make the situation fixed. I don't think there are any easy fixes in life and wonder how the children will come out of this whole. I guess that is what I am worried about most. The children.

To say that money is tight right now would be the understatement of the year. I am losing my job, although I do have a couple very promising leads on new ones. It is very stressful to be poor and not know how to make it right. I guess for me it doesn't really matter. I am used to living poor. I will probably continue to do so and die in just that fashion, but it would be nice, just for once to not have that worry. I just want enough to pay my bills and spoil my son. I don't think I am asking too much but you would think I am asking for some one's first born. I try to be philosophical about all of it but in the end the reality stays the same and nothing has ever changed. I really am a positive person it is just right now I am meandering my way through some rough currents. Maybe this is the point of life. Struggle. To become stronger, smarter, and more alive with each passing test. I guess maybe when you feel as if you have hit the bottom you start to see things a bit clearer. If I look at it in that way I am better for all my struggles. I am a better person because I know these lessons. I have been taught through experience that sometimes life makes you work for happiness and I am not afraid to get in there with both feet and make it happen. Sometimes I think God gets bored up there, decides my life is going too smooth, and shakes things up a bit. I think when he needs amusement I am his puppet. For now I will go with the flow. Whatever happens happens. I will hold my breath when I feel myself sink and hope I float back up again. I just wish I had someone who would throw me the life jacket!

Stress

2007-06-22T10:01:00.000-05:00

THIS IS HOW I FEEL TODAY:

A Job Lost

2007-06-20T07:43:00.000-05:00

So I am losing my job. The company I work for, although very small, has always been rather successful, but lately sales have been way down and there isn't enough money to pay me. Now, I want to first inform you that this comes as a blow for several reasons. Firstly, I love my job. I love the people it puts me in contact with and for once I feel that this is something I am truly good at. I work in Liquidations and Closeouts. I am a creative person by nature and this gives me that outlet that I need. Here I can use my creativity for something worthwhile. I can see the results of my hard work daily and that feels good.

Here if you want a sense of what I do, here is a copy of part of my resume:

Current Position: General Manager

Responsibilities: Customer Service, Web Development, Online Research, Creative Thinking Skills, E-Commerce, Develop and Implement New Sales Strategies, Oversee Ebay Market, Oversee the sales and purchasing of liquidation merchandise, Personal Assistant to CEO, Develop Advertisements, Update External Sites, Packaging, Warehouse Management, Organize Freight, Constant Contact with Vendors and Customers, Find Leads For the Purchasing Department, Digital Camera, Oversee the Day-to-day activities of running the business, Required Frequent Independence, Self Motivation, Multi-Tasking, Good Customer Service Skills, Perfect Language Skills, Quick Typing Skills, Time Management, Correct Grammar Usage, Honesty, Good Business Ethics, and Motivation.

Programs Used: Microsoft Word, Microsoft Works, Microsoft PowerPoint, Fireworks, Dreamweaver, Microsoft Excel, Microsoft FrontPage, Quickbooks, Adobe, UPS, FedEx, Stamps.com

Internet Sites Used Often: Ebay.com, OSCommerce,com, PHP.net, Exporters.com, Surplus.net, Liquidations.com, BLinclink.com, Google.com, Froogle.com, MySpace.com, Blogger.com, Pacassa.com, CloseoutCentral.com, Paypal.com, FreightQuote.com, MyFreightWorld.com, Echo.com, Techliquidators.com, WholesaleCentral.com, AIM, and CraigsList.com

That is it. That is all my responsibilities. The Jack of all trades and master to none. It is terrible but I believe I don't get paid nearly enough for what I do around here and that is ok with me. There are things that matter more to me in this world than a larger pay check. I am blessed to have worked here and be in contact with the people I have been. I am blessed because of the knowledge and growth I have experienced within this tiny warehouse. I am blessed because for a short period of time someone truly believed in the greatness of me. And I am blessed for the laughter and hard work, for each makes us grow in new and life altering ways. But none the less the hit is going to take its toll on me.

The second reason I think I am upset is I genuinely like my boss. He is actually a really great guy. I enjoy being around him and he makes me laugh. That is unique to find in a boss. Not only that but he understands my unique perspective as a single parent and tries his hardest to accommodate that situation. That is rare to find these days. I know he has no choice and for that I am saddened. I saw him yesterday and he looks older than when I first started working here. He looks drawn and tired. I know he has put a lot of effort into this business and my heart aches for his family. The once hyper active likable guy has become melancholy and the change is scary. I don't know why but it is unsettling to me to see him like that. I should be angry with him, I should feel gypped out of something, I should feel all these things and yet I don't. All I feel is great sorrow and a feeling of great loss. I want to help him and not for my own neck. I want to help because I believe in him and his ethics. This is a good person who deserves good things. He once told me "See good things do happen to good people." I don't know if I believe that anymore. It is hard to believe that when daily good people suffer. I want to believe it with all my heart but something in me won't let me have that amount of faith. So I am on the hunt. Luckily, being in South Florida, jobs are plentiful and easy enough to come by. But I know I will not find a position like this again. Not with this boss and not with these customers and that I will sadly miss. I will make it through, that I am certain. I have a tough skin and takes hits like a trooper, but it doesn't make the pain any less. I am starting to stress and can feel my blood getting heated from fear every day. I haven't slept very much lately and my eating habits have changed dramatically. I have never been quite this upset over a loss of a job and I am certain that I will not shine quite as much anywhere else. There is something to be said about me being so upset, he made it too good here for me. I can basically come in when I want, leave when I want (as long as 8 hours is put in in full), I go to lunch when I am hungry, break when I need it, and have no dress code. You can't beat the life here. I am spoiled here and there is nothing wrong with that. I am hitting all major search engines looking for positions, since I have exactly four weeks to do so and so far I have found some promising leads. I think though, subconsciously, I will leave dragging my feet.

Then there is the nagging in the pit of my stomach that will not go away. It is an ever present part of single parenting. You know, the little voice that says "Maybe you won't". It is that part of me that doubts if I can make it as a single parent. It doubts my abilities to juggle motherhood and a career. I mostly doubt my abilities to financially juggle what he needs and what I think he needs. It is a constant struggle. I want to give him the world but financially I can't. I hate feeling this way. His birthday is coming up and I hope I am able to get him a Wii but right now I don't know. It breaks my heart. When will the struggling stop? I think that's what I don't understand. When will I stop struggling? When will it all click into place? When will the doors open and let me walk through unscathed? I guess I am just bummed and not quite sure what to do about it. Something will come along, for that I am thankful, but until then I will just have to go day by day.

Royalty

2007-06-19T07:37:00.000-05:00

Quite a few months ago I watched a biography on Queen Elizabeth on BBC America, my favorite channel on T.V., that intrigued me. This one hour documentary started my current quirky fascination with the royal family. I am not obsessed with it and am quite content in calling it a minor intrigue about them and Britain in general. Being an American, I will not claim to understand the workings of a monarchy. I am not a political person. I hardly pay attention to my own government let alone someone Else's. I have never left the safe confines of the U.S and up until recently that was fine with me, but now I desire to travel. Last night Matt Lauer, who I don't particularly care for since he reminds me a pampered little nymph, did an interview with the two princes. Needless to say I had to watch. I was struck by how "normal" they really are. They are truly really good boys. I was impressed with their level on contentment with their lives, something that most of us can hardly fathom. The sincerity and humbleness they exuded about their mother. And their philosophies about the media and those trying to cash in on their mother's memory.
These boys reminded you of everyday people caught in circumstances beyond their control. It is amazing how honest they are about their position in life. How daunting it must be to live in a fishbowl world. Because they won the DNA gene pool they now have to live their lives under constant media scrutiny. They showed a quiet reserve about the media but their contempt I think was quite obvious. How could you possibly not have something bad to say about them when the paparazzi fed on your mother like wolves up until the minute of her death and after? I believe they have chosen the high road in their comments and I am not quite sure how.

The part that disturbed me, I honestly don't know why, is the part where they were talking about making friends. How surreal it must be to not know if you have a friend because of who you are or because of what you are. They said they can usually tell one from the other quickly. Harry explained that the two princes come with a lot of baggage. This, they claim take a toll on their friends as well. Someone who is fake would not make it. This would make anyone suspicious of who their real friends are. But the princes seem to take it all in stride. I think they understand the public fascination with them and try to be patient with it. Could you imagine dating one of these guys? You would never get a moments rest. I believe it is in the human nature to want to be famous, but as humans we have a tendency to want what is bad for us. It would get to be a very lonely and chaotic world quickly. Everything you do, every step you have ever taken has been filmed. If you kiss your girlfriend it is headline news. If you have a good night out with the guys you are a global phenomenon. I think, since they have been in our lives so much for so long we feel a kind of ownership if you will. We feel that we, on some level, know them. It drives the paparazzi to do some of the most heinous stories imaginable. This was a hot button issue with the boys and it is understandable.

They spoke of a time when their mother took the printed word about herself a bit too hard. The newspaper had reported that Diana had cellulite and being the lady that she was, beautiful in every way, this hit her hard. They said that they remember the toll that the constant media attention took on their mother. Has the world gotten so carried away with wanting to know celebrities every move that we are willing to torture another living soul to get it? Think about the torment it must be to wake up in the morning, know you have to go out, and know you have to get your picture taken all day long. How would you mentally prepare yourself for such blood suckers?
It has been 10 years since Diana's death, it is so hard to believe, but I think the boys have come a long way. I think, being a mother myself, that Diana would be proud of her sons. They are handsome, funny, and hard workers. They are as natural and down to earth in their bodies as she always seemed in hers. What a testament to her abilities as a parent to have the princes as your sons!

Kudos To Police

2007-06-18T14:07:00.000-05:00

I want to give my kudos to police across the world. Today it was announced on Yahoo that they have shut down another pedophile ring. 700 people were arrested this time and 31 children rescued. This is ridiculous. Okay first of all what the attraction is to a child, in this case some only a few months old, is beyond me. How you can call yourself a human and do something like that makes me sick. Second, you see all these people getting caught. Dateline and sting operations all over the place. Give up the addiction and move on. Why would you risk your entire life to view something so vile? I am glad that authorities seem to be taking this so serious and that another large band of these creeps are off the Internet. This is a disease that we need to stamp out. Castrate...that's my fix all for it. Castrate them it would make life so much easier. Tattoo their forehead with something along the lines of "I'm a sick creep watch me around your children." Or even better put them on a big island out in the middle of nowhere and let them decide who is the man and who is the woman. That may solve the issue right there! They are so bold and do this sick stuff behind closed doors let them parade around and let the world see how sick they really are. This is why no one trusts anyone anymore. This is why our children have to play indoors and can't experience the joy of walking home from school or climbing the tree out front. No, they have to be watched constantly for fear someone will snatch them up. I pray that one day this issue will be completely eradicated and will no longer be a problem. I don't see that happening any day soon, because you get rid of one creep or three hundred of them and there are still thousands more where that one came from. To view the whole story please visit Yahoo. One final note...let these jerks come near my kid and they won't have to worry about being locked up..I will take care of it the old way...good old fashion way!

A Poem For You

2007-06-18T12:47:00.000-05:00

Papa's Letter
I was sitting in my study,

Writing letters when I heard"Please dear mama,

Mary told me Mama mustn't be disturbed.
"But I's tired of the kitty;

Want some ozzer fing to do.

Writing letters, is ou mama?

Tan't I wite a letter too?"
"Not now, darling, mama's busy;

Run and play with kitty, now."

"No, no mama, me wite letter;

Tan, if 'ou will show me how."
I would paint my darling's portrait

As his sweet eyes searched my face.

Hair of gold, eyes of azure,

Form of childish, witching grace.
But the eager face was clouded,

As I slowly shook my head,

Till I said: "I'll make a letter

Of you, darling boy, instead."
So I parted back the tresses

From his forehead high and white,

And a stamp in sport I pasted

'Mid its waves of golden light.
Then I said,

"Now, little letter,.

Go away and bear good news."

And I smiled as down the staircase

Clattered loud the little shoes.
Down the street the baby hastened

Till he reached the office door.

"I'se a letter, Mr. Postman;

Is there room for any more?
'Cause dis' letter's doin to papa,

Papa lives with God,

'ou know,Mama sent me for a letter,

Do 'ou fink at I tan go?"
But the clerk in wonder answered,

"Not today, my little man."

"Den I'll find anozzer office,

'Cause I must go if I tan."
Suddenly the crowd was parted,

People fled to left, to right,

As a pair of maddened horses

At the moment dashed in sight.
No one saw the baby figure-

No one saw the golden hair,

Till a voice of frightened sweetness

Rang out on the autumn air.
'Twas too late-a moment only

Stood the beauteous vision there,

Then the little face lay lifeless

Covered o'er with golden hair.
Rev'rently they raised my darling,

Brushed away the curls of gold,

Saw the stamp upon his forehead

Growing now so icy cold.
Not a mark the face disfigured,

Showing where the hoof had trod;

But the little life had ended-

Papa's letter was with God.
-Anonymous, Nineteenth Century

1980's Cartoons

2007-06-18T09:50:00.001-05:00

Does anyone else remember this show? I am looking everywhere to find the dvd or vhs of this show and cannot find it. I want my son to watch it. It was one of my favorite shows as a kid and I really want him to enjoy it. Does anyone know what happened to Loony Tunes as well? I miss a good old roadrunner cartoon on Saturday morning. It is a shame it is off now. If anyone can point me in the right direction it would be appreciated. I think this is my first official plea for help!

Funny

2007-06-18T09:44:00.000-05:00

Okay I have to laugh at this. I was on the web looking for funny last words (it was the topic of discussion the radio this morning) and happened to come across this website.

My favorite is this one:

Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

You would have to have the patience of a saint to be a judge!

Coulrophobia

2007-06-18T07:58:00.000-05:00

Coulrophobia is an abnormal or exaggerated fear of clowns. It is not uncommon among children, but is also sometimes found in teenagers and adults as well. Sufferers sometimes acquire a fear of clowns after having a bad experience with one personally, or seeing a sinister portrayal of one in the media.

Today's topic comes froma birthday party I went to this weekend. I suffer from coulrophobia. I will admit it that it is strange. I hate clowns, they have terrified me since I was a child. I don't know of any horrible experience I have had with a clown but I do know that my mother had to leave a circus with me one time because I screamed through the entire clown act. There is something sinister and alarming to me about them. I know they are supposed to be funny and you are supposed to laugh, but I have never liked them. The thing is my mother used to collect them and I could never look at the curior filled with them. They scared me. Here is my theory why:

I believe all people, especially the young, look at people's facial expressions to tell them if they are good or bad. Clowns you cannot tell. They always look happy and jolly. We have learned, however, that that is not always the case. There are whole websites devoted to the subject.

Everyone wears masks. That is part of what makes us human. Does anyone really see who we are all of the time? You wear your mom mask when you are with your children. Your work mask, your lover mask, your religious mask, and so on and so on. These are not always part of who I am. I have to wear masks because I am a completely different person depending on my surroundings. I think this is the reason for the fear of clowns...you can never tell what is hiding beneath that mask. All the makeup says "Trust me I am fun" but that is not the case. Look at John Wayne Gacy. Clown mask at parties. Serial Killer in his free time. Enough said! Terrifying when you think about it! The man who attends church regularly, owns his own company, and cheats on his wife wears masks. Masks happen every day. Do you really know the people around you? Do you really know yourself?
Some people attribute their fear of clowns to the movie "It". I can see that but I think for me it goes much deeper. I put a lot of weight on seeing someone's facial features. If the person smiles a lot, frowns a lot, or seems uneasy in certain circumstances. They all point to the general personality of the individual. How can you tell who someone is if they have a painted on smile? I just don't understand it. Big floppy shoes and rainbow color hair aside you have to admit the general persona of a clown is scary. They have full access to children and who would suspect "Flippy" the clown of doing something horrible. I will NEVER have a clown at a party for any of my kids.

I am well aware that not all clowns are evil. Please don't send me hate mail from any circus or anything. I know that some clowns love the fact that they get to entertain children and make people laugh. Please understand that I do know this but I guess for me the makeup and the allure of clowns has a much more sinister nature. Why would someone need to hide? And if someone did need to hide where else better to do it than behind the mask of a clown? For a pedophile being a clown would be like going to a buffet and who would suspect them. Maybe I'm nuts. No I am pretty sure I'm nuts, but you cannot discount the fact that it is a bit disturbing. I don't go to any great lengths to avoid clowns (as I have shown you here I can see pictures and be around them just fine) but if given the choice I would not be within a tight vicinity of them. I do not hide inside my home afraid that the clowns will get me...no nothing that extreme.

When doing some research for this blog today I found an interesting story that I would like to share:

"The Day the Clown Cried"
In 1971, producer Nate Waschberger asked Jerry to direct and star in "The Day the Clown Cried", based on Joan O'Brien's book by the same name, about a German clown who was arrested by the Gestapo, interred in a concentration camp, and used to march Jewish children into the ovens. Jerry lost close to 40 pounds to play the role. The shooting began in Stockholm, but Waschberger not only ran out of money to complete the film, but he failed to pay Joan O'Brien the money she was owed for the rights to the story. Jerry was forced to finish the picture with his own money. The film has been tied up in litigation ever since, and all of the parties involved have never been able to reach an agreeable settlement. Jerry hopes to someday complete the film, which remains to this day, a significant expression of cinematic art, suspended in the abyss of international litigation. -www.jerrylewiscomedy.com/film_clown_cried.htm

Okay so how sick is that? I don't know why but this story really disturbs me. Not the film story but the fact that children were marched to their deaths by a clown. Okay who is the sicko who thought of this one? I don't know if this really happened and quite frankly I would like to think it is just fiction, but it doesn't make the thought behind it any less troubling.

I know I have issues. You don't have to tell me. I am not dillusional about my issues but I do like to share them. I am a coulrophobic and not afraid to admit it. I would like one person who claims that they are the same person all of the time and have never worn a "mask" to hide how they are feeling challenge my statements. I think there wouldn't be a single soul on this earth who hasn't at one time or another done exactly that.

Hopeless Romantic

2007-06-15T09:01:00.000-05:00

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. -Charlotte Whitton

I am a hopeless romantic, I am not too proud to admit that! I think deep inside all women are but I think I am more prone to it for some reason. The thing that often gets in the way is I am fiercely independent. I don't like the feeling of depending on anyone, for money, food, or love in fact. I work in a male dominated career. I didn't choose the career for that reason but it just so happened I am good at what I do. I work in the liquidation trade and not just liquidations but electronics liquidations, which is mainly men. For every 20 men I talk to I may occasionally share a brief conversation with a woman. This works for me. Women are catty and prone to gossip, men say what they are feeling when they feel it. It makes life much easier. I sit on the computer all day finding deals, I buy, sell, and trade merchandise with men. I drive a forklift and work in a warehouse. I am the single employee here and that works for me. So, I say I am a hopeless romantic but not in the sense that I lay down and submit myself to the first man to make google eyes at me! Nope, actually just the opposite, I speak my mind and I can hold my own in a man's world.

From the time a little girl is born their expectations of romance are set into motion. We are primped and pampered. Everything pink and soft. This sets the expectation of being treated like a queen. Don't think so? Think about it. Our fathers have doted on us, our mothers doll us up, and grandparents tell us how beautiful we are. Why should our husbands and boyfriends be any different? We learn very quickly how to use our body to get what we want when we want it. We pout at Daddy to get that doll we so badly want. We flash our eyes up at Grandpa to get him to give us that dollar he's hiding in his wallet. Yep, from very early on, men fall to pieces when it comes to women and this fact does not escape us. I can sit back and almost imagine a cave woman pulling her husband aside, devouring him in a long passionate kiss, and at the same time taking the last piece of food for herself. I am not proud to admit this is the way we are but the fact remains we are. Women are cursed with an intelligence and passion that men will never figure out. We can love you passionately, we can tend to your every need, and walk away if we deem it necessary. This is the very heart of a woman.

Understand that I am not down talking my own gender. No I am mearly pointing out that we look at the world different. To us war means nothing but a senseless waste of life. To us guns hold no fascination beyond the fact that it could harm someone we love. We don't like the show COPS. I hate to break it to you, guys, but seeing 400 pound men with their shirts off spouting profanities isn't exactly our idea of fun! Car racing, football, fishing: hold nothing compared to a good long night with someone you love. We will endure these things for you. We will sit and patiently watch your shows, deal with your hideous friends, and even laugh at the same joke you have told 500 times because we love you. That is what we do. We sacrifice. We sacrifice our bodies to bear children, we sacrifice our education to tend to a home, we sacrifice our heart to be broken by a man. That is the logic of being female. Not only do we have to sacrifice but we suffer. Has any man experienced the "joy" of child birth? No, that is why it HAD to be a man that coined the phrase "The JOY of child birth." There is no joy involved. It hurts so bad that your body won't even allow you to remember it fully. Yes, you forget the pain. Just like an amputee forgets the pain of losing his appendage. It's what your body does when it is in shock. The sufferings of women is so foreign to men and yet they claim they understand. When has a man ever went through a period, PMS, or any of the other thousand and one things we have to go through to bring more men into the world? Wow I sound really catty today and I truly am not meaning to. This is the world to a woman but through the sacrifice and suffering comes something else truly magnificent. You love. You love without measure, without remorse, without conditions.

Women love differently than men. We love fully. Mind, body, and soul. We love in a way that allows us to innately know when our child is hurt or when our husbands need us. This is women's intuition. Sure as I am sitting here writing this it's true. We do have intuition men do not, nor will they ever, know. I recently read a great commentary on this subject and would like to share it with you.

Female Intuition
by Richard Cutler
Many people I know are concerned, alarmed or outraged as more and more
of their personal privacy is breached and entered on the great databases of
business and government. But as one who has spent the larger part of his
life in the company of females, I am here to tell you that electronic
snooping can't hold a candle to women's intuition.

And if my wife is any indication, it requires no Freedom of Information
Act. Whatever women suspect, believe or know for a fact is immediately made
clear to us -- except in cases where delaying its disclosure would give them
better leverage on a future major purchase or an evening on the town.
Intuition is defined as the ability to learn or perceive something
without the conscious use of reasoning. You can see how dangerous a faculty
this can be, especially in the wrong hands (which is where some might say it
already is). It means that women just KNOW things. They can feel it in their
bones and that's a pretty difficult thing to defense.
Women's intuition has been around for centuries, predating Political
Correctness and just honing itself and evolving to the point where researchers
have now taken note of it, given it the loftier-sounding title of Women's
Interpersonal Discernment and set about attributing it to the ladies' superior
skill in reading mood changes and interpreting body language.
We are introduced to it early on by our mothers who encourage us to
believe that they have eyes in the back of their heads and who can tell that
we haven't cleaned our rooms, washed our hands or eaten our vegetables without
even checking.
Later on, in adolescence, when we assure them that we have finished our
homework or that our underwear is clean and in good repair they knowingly
admonish us to check one more time before we leave the house. And they can
instinctively tell if we've tasted or inhaled some rite of passage contraband
despite the copious use of mouthwash or the chewing of highly-fragrant gum.

Adolescence is also when we really discover girls big time and first
encounter this phenomenon outside our circle of family members, schoolteachers
and the lady next door. But at this stage in its development intuition is
still embryonic and is easily jammed with a little finesse, sweet talk or out-
and-out, fingers-crossed-behind-the-back falsehoods.

It is after we are married that we experience it full force and no holds
barred. Trust me. I have been the designated defendant as a son and as a
husband. Husband is tougher.

It's all a matter of viewpoint. Mothers use intuition as a tool in
turning out independent, civilized adults with broad horizons. Wives see the
resulting males as selfish brutes forever seeking greener pastures -- and use
it as a weapon.

A wife's goal is to know everything there is to know about us. If they
think we are holding something back they will instantly resort to techniques
of interrogation and deprivation which even the IRS rejected as inhumane. As
a newlywed, for example, my bride once detected a faint and unfamiliar scent
on my person and alternately gave me the third degree and cold shoulder three
times before I could get the gift-wrapped bottle of perfume out of my pocket.

There were other small glitches in the beginning as well and I don't know
if the neighborhood wives held orientation or what, but my wife's intuitions
success rate improved quickly.
She is so good at it now that she finishes my sentences for me and tells
me what I feel like eating. (Yet she won't start a conversation until all the
commercials are over.)

Whatever. I, myself, don't have a clue except for the usual feeling of
foreboding whenever one of the kids has borrowed the car or I sense the
imminent visit of an in-law.

But being intuitively impaired isn't all that bad. I don't mind my life
being an open book as long as it is confined to family and a few close
friends. At least they aren't going to share it with some telemarketer. Or
question my tax returns.

Everything is in there! It also points out the fact that men just don't "Get It". They don't understand why a mother knows what her child is going to attempt 10 minutes before they attempt it. We carried them within our wombs for months...we know the beat of their heart as well as our own. They don't understand that when you share your bed with another human being you start to know that person on a level even they don't know about themselves. It's part of what makes us women. It takes more than breasts and pretty features to make us women. All men need to be is men. Rough and tough. They need to protect us and provide for us. That is what men are. We need to be the woman which involves so much more than what men understand about us. A great mentor of mine (male by the way) once told me "Women could stop wars if they would just put their minds to it." And I fully believe that. We may not be politically powerful, rule over vast amounts of land, or even (hate to say it women but it is true) be viewed equal to men but we have powers men couldn't even attempt to try! What would happen if all women EVERYWHERE stopped doing what they do until wars ended? No more warm cooked meals, no clean clothes, and no warm bodies in you beds. All would cease. The men would lose their minds. But it would have to be a uniformed front. Sister for sister, friend for friend. No first lady dutifully following her husband around, no Queen ruling a nation, no prostitute tarnishing her pride and no mother of 6 cleaning kitchens. All would cease! The men would lose their minds. Think about the devastating effects this would have! Wars would cease.
Now I know I have men out there rolling their eyes, huffing in irritation, and probably quite a few of them giving me rude hand gestures. Do not think I am a feminist. I am not. Like I said I am a hopeless romantic...not exactly a feminist quality. I wear dresses and have never burned a bra in my life (what a waste of money by the way) and I shave quite regularly. But I do think we posses powers that do not require muscle but heart. This power can not be finely exercised or worked to finely tune...nope it is born in us. It is the legacy our mothers leave us and we pass to our daughters. There is no secret meeting or initiation. There is no passing along of great wisdom, we just know!
The lioness will protect her cub if it kills her. Come between a woman and her child and you have better luck coming between a bear and his meal of surviving! This is a woman's instinct. It doesn't get much clearer than that! We will never cease to amaze you or irritate you. Let's face it guys where would you be without women?

Top 10 Things Wives Want From Their Husbands
From Sheri & Bob Stritof
In no particular order, here are ten things that many wives want from their husbands.
1) Telling Her Daily That She is Loved Everyone needs to be affirmed. Everyone needs to know they are loved. The best ways to say "I love you" are usually in simple, everyday, seemingly unimportant ways like an unexpected hug or holding hands when you walk together.
2) Understanding and Forgiveness There will be days when your wife will make mistakes or when she will be difficult to be around. No one is perfect. She both wants and deserves your willingness to understand and forgive her. Remember that no relationship can be sustained without forgiveness.
3) Conversation Don't let your conversations with your wife dwindle to nothing but talk about your kids, your jobs, and the weather. If that happens, your marriage relationship could be in real trouble.
4) Willingness to Make Time for Her and Your Children Having quality time with your wife and kids isn't something that just happens. You have to make it happen by not only making the plans but by following through. Time with those you love has to be a high priority for you.
5) Saying "Yes" More Than Saying "No" Habitual negative responses to your wife and kids can push them away from you. Think twice before saying "no" and you will be surprised at how saying "yes" can improve your relationships.
6) Listening Well It's really disheartening for a wife to share her thoughts and feelings with her mate and then realize that he didn't actually listen to her. Your wife wants and needs you to not only listen with your ears, but to listen with your heart.
7) Affection and Kindness How often do you say "please" or "thank you" or give your spouse an unexpected kiss? Unfortunately, some married couples forget that being kind and affectionate to one another are keys to a successful marriage.
8) Sharing Household and Child Rearing Responsibilities. One of the main reasons couples fight is conflict over who is doing what around the house. Chores and child care are not the sole responsibility of your wife. She shouldn't have to ask you to do your share around the house.
9) A Day Off Now and Then Give your wife a day off several times a month. This means that she will be free from worrying about what is happening with the kids, the house, the pets, and you. She not only deserves this break in her schedule, she needs it to be emotionally and physically healthy.
10) Commitment to Take Care of Yourself Both Physically and Emotionally Many men are notorious for not taking care of themselves when it comes to health issues. This isn't fair to your wife. She is your lover not your mother. Take responsibility for your own health concerns.

My perfect man (yes I am single and currently seeking but I don't know if he exists)

A GREAT sense of humor. He has to be able to laugh at himself and take wise cracks as easily as the next.

A plan. He has to have a plan of where he is going and where he wants to be.

Motivation. Motivation to do something, anything really, but something.

Artistic. Now I don't mean a Michelangelo here but just a creative nature. Even if it is making smiley faces on the bologna sandwiches.

PATIENT. Be patient with me, I am independent and think I don't need you. I will come around.

He has to love his mother, children, and animals. I want a man that is kind to all living things not just himself!

Educated. No "for Dummies" book involved in this relationship!

HONESTY. Don't lie to me. I am much better with the truth than you would think.

Passionate. I want a guy that will be a slow lover when I need one and a brute in bed when I need one.

Smart enough to figure out which one I need when!!

THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE OF ALL!! Accept me for who I am and I will accept you for you!
I LOVE accents too. Not sure which ones all of them I suppose. English, Scottish, and French are amoung my favorites.

I don't think I am asking too much. Rich would be nice but I guess you can't have your cake and eat it to (a saying I have never fully understood..what the hell else are you going to do with cake?). I am a hopeless romantic. I want the cowboy on the white horse to come and rescue me. I don't know what I need rescued from but I want it none the less. I want a guy with rugged features, a man that looks like he works for a living, no suit and tie guy for me! I want a handsome man with blue eyes to hold me close. But mostly I need a man that I am going to want to wake up next to for the rest of my life. The thought terrifies me, so there will be no rush into marriage for this woman. The thought of fifty years waking up next to the same man, you know everything about him, just does nothing for me! I guess for now I will have to stick to the romantic fantasies and realize that for some that is all they will be!

Single Mom's & Father's Day

2007-06-15T08:01:00.000-05:00

What Makes a Dad

God took the strength of a mountain,

The majesty of a tree,

The warmth of a summer sun,

The calm of a quiet sea,

The generous soul of nature,

The comforting arm of night,

The wisdom of the ages,

The power of the eagle's flight,

The joy of a morning in spring,

The faith of a mustard seed,

The patience of eternity,

The depth of a family need,

Then God combined these qualities,

When there was nothing more to add,

He knew His masterpiece was complete,

And so, He called it ... Dad

~~Author Unknown.~~

My father has always worked his tail off, I will never deny that he is a hard worker. He taught me the value of a good days work and taught me the ethics of being a good worker. I could go on and on about my father, he being my new found friend. As I have said before, my father has driven truck as long as I can remember. This requires a lot of time away from home. When I was little I missed him when he was gone. When I was a teenager I resented the fact that he was gone all the time. Now as an adult I respect the sacrifice he has had to make to support his family. It is a sacrifice I, as a single mother, am now feeling as well.

My father has been a constant support to not only me but to my son. I never would have expected it from him but now I look at him completely different. He is a different man with my son than the father I remember as a child. I watch him look at my son with so much love in his eyes it would make your heart ache from the tenderness of it. He holds him and kisses him regularly. He is not the mysterious man that comes in and out of my son's life, like I think I always viewed him as. My son refers to my father as Papa, a name my father seems to be very proud of. My son has also called him his best friend and called him superman, which to a little boy is the highest compliment to be paid.

Since my son's own father has not seen him since he was 13 months old it is important for my son to have male bonding. I have tried to replace the missing father with loving male supports to help nurture the little man inside my son. My father is a major part in this support system. Teaching my son how to ride a bike, how to fish, how to rough house, and how to do everything manly. He takes "Man" trips to the local hardware store or just hangs out at home watching T.V. sitting in my dad's overstuffed recliner. These are the moments that make my son glow, along with my father. You can see the bond that is unbreakable between them. My son's first word was "Papa" and my father's pride and joy is his "little man." It is odd how different he has become.

I don't know if all grandpa's do this or if it unique with my father. When he was a father himself he was usually distant and stressed a lot. My father was the fun parent, don't get me wrong. We could get away with murder with my father but there was always a distance there. I think he is now able to enjoy his grandson in a way he never could with his own children. There is so much he wants to show my son. He goes on and on about "when you get older we are going to..." or "just wait until you see..." it is fascinating to me how this man could be so different. My father has always been a really guarded person. He never shows emotion or tenderness. That is Dad..the rock. With my son I have seen him laugh more than ever, shed tears harder, and have a tenderness about him that astounds anyone who knew my father before my son came along. People see the change in him and I think he sees the change in himself.
I wanted to take this blog to thank my father for all he does. For who he is and for who he has become. I wanted to tell him how much he is loved and appreciated. How our family would change forever without him in it. How my son looks up to him and loves him with all his heart. He has given my son a precious gift that cannot be replaced. The gift that only a man can provide. The gift of friendship and knowledge. Mostly he has given him a man to look up to and try to fill his shoes. But I think my father already understands!

Haunting History

2007-06-14T08:36:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I wrote such a touching post that I think I raised the bar a bit high for myself. Today, I hate to say it, but I think possibly you will be disappointed. I am in a much less melancholy mood so I am afraid my writing may suffer.

Okay, just to point out what a geek I am I have to admit something. My favorite show is Ghost Hunters on Sci Fi Channel. This show is just fantastic and I look forward to watching it every Wednesday night. I know everyone has a ghost story or two. Everyone either believes a hundred and ten percent or they don't believe at all. I am a believer. Now don't go rolling your eyes. I am not an alien person and I don't believe in ESP or Palm readers, but ghosts I believe in. My reasoning:

I grew up in a house where unexplained things happened often. Things that cannot be explained away by coincidence. I used to laugh it off but then it got to a point where ignoring it just wasn't an option. The house I grew up in was almost 200 years old. The property used to be a peach orchard years before my family came to possess it. On the property once sat a farm house and a small barn (I know this from first hand accounts and public records). On January 13, 1956 there was a fire in the farm house. The fire started in the middle of the night and spread rapidly. Pearl (the woman whom lived in the home and this happened to, lived two doors down from us and spoke of this event often) and her husband barely escaped with their lives, there 6 children were not so lucky. All six were killed that night. Pearl's husband, racked with grief and guilt, hung himself in one of the trees in the back yard. The house and barn were destroyed (the tree remains in the yard to this day) and Pearl built herself a small little home where she lived out the rest of her life. She sold the property and in 1963 two houses (ours being one of them and my uncle's house being the other) were moved from their previous location to where they now sit. The two houses were identical on the inside. They were mirror images of the other. Both were spacious and beautiful. My uncle's house had a tainted history though. Shortly after the house was placed on the property a man, we will call him Bill for this sake, and his wife moved into the home. In 1965 his wife was found murdered in the home and it was deemed a random act of violence. No one fully believed it but there was no proof against the husband. He lived in total isolation from that point onward. In 1978 he was found dead of a heart attack two weeks after he died. That house had way more issues than ours!

Now because I was so young when we first moved in I don't remember everything in any type of order. They appear to me now as memories that fade in and out randomly. I will tell you what I know to be true.

Our House (*sings* our house...):

When I was 9 and my brother was 2 we moved into the house. Now I don't know what it was but it didn't matter if it was the middle of the day or the middle of the night, when anyone would walk out of my parent's bedroom door you felt like you had to run. I am not telling you this as a child often does. I did this until we moved out of the home just over a year ago. It was the strangest feeling. You felt like someone was right on your heels. You had to run. My mother did it, I did it, my brother, aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandma always did it. Once you were out in the hallway you would again resume a normal walk but you had to run to get out of that room. None of us ever spoke about it until we were much older and then realized that for years we were all doing the same thing.

Like I said my brother was only two when we moved in that house. He ALWAYS (still to this day and he is now 21) spoke of the man on the stairs. His bedroom faced the stairs and he would always insist that a man in a "golfer's hat" with a pipe would walk up those stairs. He would never lay in his bed facing the door...he always had his back to it. He wouldn't scream out and he was never afraid. He would just exclaim "I just don't like the man because I can't see his eyes". We took it as childhood fantasies gone haywire. One night my brother, who suffered from asthma his entire life, was really sick. I was sleeping on his floor, which was my habit since I was always the protective older sister, when I saw what he had been speaking of all along. This shadow of a man, I first assumed it was my father, came up the stairs (hat and pipe). He just sort of walked up the stairs, got to the top, and he was gone. As quickly as it started it was done. I screamed bloody murder. Let me tell you I think I woke people up a few states away! My mom came running in the room, my father on her heels, and brother sat bolt upright in bed. My parents are trying to settle me down and you hear my brother, in the tiniest little voice say "She saw the man, Mommy, that's all." From that point on I would bring my brother in my room when he was sick.

When I was around 13 I was asleep in my bed. I heard, what I thought at the time was thunder. I kind of got up and then I heard the popping noise again. Then I realized what it was my light bulb was shutting on and off over and over again. I don't know what it was doing. This one I could explain away as faulty wiring in a very old house, except the light switch was going up and down. I remember saying out loud "Please stop I need to get up for school in the morning" and it stopped. I don't think I really got scared until it actually stopped. I ran to my mom's room and slept there for over a week before I was finally kicked out!

When my brother was about 7 he had a toy robot that you would fill the head with water and then it would walk around blowing steam out of the top of his head and whistle. Like every other toy it soon becomes forgotten and is extinguished to some dark corner of the house to collect dust. The robot was no different. So when 6 months later we were all awoken in the middle of the night by a whistle no one could think of what it possibly could be. We searched that house for what seemed like forever. When we finally traced the noise to the basement we were astonished to not only find my brother's robot out of the box it had been in but filled with water and walking across the floor. My mom went and picked it up to remove the batteries only to find there weren't any.

I was downstairs late one night chatting away the hours. I remember it was late, later than I usually stay up. The door to my son's toy room was open and something caught my eye. I turned just in time to see his Nemo doll come hurling out of the closet. I don't mean it gently rolled onto the floor it came zooming out of the closet like a football. I closed off the computer and simply said "Well if you wanted me to leave all you had to do was ask." As strange as it sounds we talked to them often...I think it made us feel better more than it actually worked.

There were always footsteps coming up and down the stairs. A thousand times a night. Some were heavy walking, some were light running, some were just plain annoying. One night I had to get up really early for work the next day and the footsteps were really grinding on my nerves. I peeked out my doors and said "You have to stop I have to get up in the morning." And once again they did! They ceased immediately.

This one is my most terrifying memory of them all. It truly scared me to the point that I never again ventured into the basement. My son was two weeks old and sound asleep in his carrier so I decided to do the laundry. My brother was at school and mom had left for the day to get some errands done, so I was alone. I diligently locked all the doors and windows and made sure the baby monitor was on. I grabbed the basket and went to start the laundry in the basement. I had put in the first load and was about half way up the stairs when the door to the basement slammed shut. Now my first thought was that wind had just got it, then it hit me that I had made sure that house was completely shut before I went down there. So I ran to the door and tried to open it. I would get it about 3 inches open and it would slam shut again. Someone was on the other side of that door and they were damn strong. I was so terrified that someone was hurting my baby. Finally I yelled out "Let me up there, my baby is in there." And the door swung open. My son was still fast asleep and perfectly fine. I NEVER EVER went in that basement again. My mom would laugh and say that I was just trying to get out of doing laundry but I think she saw the pure terror in my face and knew there was no way she was going to get me back down there.

Now the first thing you have to understand about my dad is that he is a no nonsense kind of guy. He is the guy that will tell you the truth even if you don't want to hear it. He says it like it is take it or leave it. That is his personality, always has been always will be. He never gets excited or worked up about ANYTHING! That is what makes me take this next story so seriously...it is not in my father's nature to lie! Him and my mom were asleep one night when my dad was awoken by a musty smell. He said it was an earthy basement kind of smell. When he looked up he saw the figure of a man standing by the front two windows of their room. My dad said he wasn't in color...he was more shadow than man is how he explains it. My dad said you could clearly see his hat and pipe and that the curtains blowing in the wind seemed to go right through him. My dad did the only thing that fits my dad's personality and rolled over and went back to sleep.

When we first got my cat, whose name is Sherman by the way, he was a year old. We had never had animals in the house but this cat just invited himself in. He LITERALLY walked in the back door and never really left. Now he is a happy fat lazy house cat that lets us live in the house as long as we feed him. Back to the story: When we first got him me, my mom, and dad were in the house one night. Sherman had been put downstairs. My mom was in the kitchen and me and Dad were in the family room, when all of us heard, clear as day "Get it out". It was definitely a woman's voice. I asked my mom what she said at the same time she asked me what I said. It took us a minute to figure out neither one of us had spoken a word.

When my son was around 3 we had a brief incident in which the thermostat would randomly go up in temperature. Now my son got blamed for this new found game. We would be roasting in the middle of February, go in and the furnace was set to 95. It went on and on until one day I finally decided enough was enough. I walked my son in there by the hand and turned it down. I gave, what I am sure, was a long winded speech about not touching that. He looked up at me and insisted he never touched it. I thought how odd it was that he had figured out how to lie to me so quickly. I grabbed his hand and was just leaving the dining room when I heard a huff. Not a quiet sound at all but a deep male huff of irritation. I looked back just in time to see that thermostat pop back up to 95. I never blamed my son again!

These are just a few of the random stories I have. We have countless pictures that have shadow figures in them and these zooming purple lights around our heads. We have endless amounts of stories that just defy logic. Now onto the more sinister of the two houses.

My Uncle's House:

Now whatever is in this house it hates women. I will tell you that and may God strike me down if it is a lie. It hates women. Men have no problem at all in this house but women are haunted daily. My aunt hated every day of life in that house. I mean most of the stuff was innocent. Random things would come up missing and show up right in the middle of the room. The baby's toys would turn on and off alone. The baby bottles, this one I witnessed myself, would constantly appear to be jumping off the drying rack. Day in and day out things like this occurred.

The worst experience by far happened to my aunt...it was the reason they moved! Her husband had a habit of getting up at 5 am and going jogging. This day was no different. She laid in bed and heard him go downstairs, go out the door, and leave the house. She then heard the door slam shut, heavy footsteps run up the stairs and enter her room. She started to roll over to yell at her husband because he was going to wake the children, when she was held down on her side. She heard a deep male voice in her ear whisper "I know what you are doing." She screamed and it was done. This was not the fist time she had been held against the bed by this "man" but it was the first time he spoke to her. She was so terrified they only stayed in the house for 1 month after and they were gone.

The house sat empty for a long time and my grandma being the real estate agent would go and check on the house. One day she went in to make sure that the heat was still on. She had walked in, closed the door behind her, and had just walked in the living room when she heard "GET OUT, get out, get out" behind her. She said at first she thought it was a dog bark but then heard what it was actually saying. She didn't need told twice. She never again went in that house alone. She always made my father or brother go with her. My grandmother is a very religious woman, Catholic to the very end, and she doesn't believe in such nonsense. This was something that pained her to admit had happened to her. The terror on her face when she walked in our house was enough to convince me that what she said was true.

The Property:

All the children, from my brother all the way down to my son, always spoke about the man in the back yard. They ALL described him exactly the same and none of them seemed scared of him. They would all toddle over and wave out the back door. This happened with every child (8 in total). They would all do this from the time they could walk until about 5 years old. Then it would fade away. I never saw him but I really wish I could have. All the children still remember him. They all describe him as tall, grey hair, wrinkled face, and (yep you guessed it) a hat and pipe. They say he would wave at them and then he would be gone. He was always, and I have to admit it still gives me chills, leaning up against that tree. The one where Pearl's husband hung himself.

My cousin, being around 16, worked at the local cinema. She would get home rather late but loved the job just the same. On one Friday night she pulled in the driveway and had just reached over to grab her purse. She looked back and there was an old man staring back at her. She said she screamed and covered her face. She sat in that driveway laying on the horn until my dad finally ran out and got her. She was so terrified. From that day forward, she would call home before arriving, and someone would have to wait out front for her.

The day we left that house to move to Florida was one of the hardest days of my life. The house was part of the family and whatever shared the dwelling with us had grown on us over the years. I had just walked out the front door and noticed a piece of the lawn was stuck up rather odd. It was like it had grown over the sidewalk and could easily be lifted. I kicked it with my foot and it moved to reveal something white underneath. I picked it up and turned the paper over in my hands. On it was an old black and white picture of a young family. A man, a woman, and three children. I don't know where it came from or who it was but it was there all the same. I took it as whoever was in that house saying their goodbyes!

I think people want to believe in ghosts. We want to believe that this life isn't all there is. Only 70,80, or 90 years? It hardly seems long enough to do all you have to do. We want to believe there is a way that our spirit survives. A way that we can still watch our loved ones. Look out for them and care for them. We want to think that an imprint will be left of us on this earth. It is human nature.

Speaking of human nature and ghosts and stuff...I have to share this story before I sign off for the day!

My son was born a year and 3 weeks after my cousin died. I felt in my heart that my cousin had sent him to me but it was nothing more than wishful thinking on my part. When my son was about 18 months he started talking to some unknown person. Someone we couldn't see or hear but he would carry on conversations for hours. I thought how nice he had an imaginary friend. Ever day he would "play" with his imaginary friend that night he would wake with night terrors. If you have ever experienced night terrors you know their name does not do them justice. For around 30 minutes my son would scream like he was being tortured. He would cringe and wither almost in pain. I was terrified by them. I would take him to the doctors, the hospital, even my priest to try and get answers. Everyone said he would eventually grow out of it, which thankfully he did. Then one day we were going through some old family photos, when my son picked one up and loudly called out my cousins name. I don't know how he knew that. He NEVER had seen his picture before (like I said I was extremely angry with my cousin and didn't speak about him or have his picture out) and certainly wouldn't have known who he was. My son continued "talking" to my cousin until he was about 3 and then it stopped. I'd ask my son where he went and all he would say is "I don't need him anymore, I'm a big boy."

Maybe the spirit does live on. Maybe we still love and cherish our family, no matter what impediments are placed upon us, even death! I don't fear death anymore, I used to, but not anymore. As the great Albus Dumbledore (better JK Rowling) once said "To the well organized mind, death is but the next great adventure."

Watching Her Fade

2007-06-13T08:00:00.000-05:00

I wanted to come in and do a great blog filled with humor and light hearted antics, but today I have to admit I am really not in the mood. So today I write about a disease that will drown a family quicker than a flood. It is a disease so intense that the victim doesn't even know they are sick but the caregivers and family around them suffer immensely. A disease that will break the heart and wound the soul forever, leaving you with nothing more than a distant faded memory of before. I want to start this blog by giving some statistics:

There are now more than 5 million people in the United States living with Alzheimer’s.

Every 72 seconds, someone develops Alzheimer’s.
The direct and indirect costs of Alzheimer’s and other dementia's amount to more than $148 billion annually.

My great aunt died with this disease in 2006 and it changed the foundation of my family forever. When you ask most people what they remember about my aunt they will tell you several things but two of the main things are: she was a shrewd business woman and she reminded them of Lucille Ball. She had the stature and goofiness of Lucy but the business sense to amass a large fortune in real estate. Real estate has been part of my family for years now, something that until very recently I took for granted. I grew up knowing words like mortgage, foreclosure, and contract like most children know their ABC's. Now I tell you all this to go back and start from the beginning.
My great aunt is my grandmother's sister. They were born EXACTLY two years apart, my grandma being the oldest of the two. My grandma was born in 1929, during the Great Depression. When my grandma was six her dad died from a heart attack. Now this isn't exactly news worthy but it is leading up to the point I am going to eventually get to. They attended a local Catholic school and lived off of people's generosity as much as their own skills. Hardwork is what put my aunt through college. My grandmother became an accountant. All the while their older brother was off fighting in a war, that as my grandmother told me, they didn't really understand. The atrocities of the Nazi regime did not come out fully until quite a few years later.
My grandma and my aunt were more than sisters. Their bond was fast and furious for most of their lives. Like I have stated my aunt was a shrewd business woman and that meant that although she loved her family...if it came down to it the business came first! My grandmother was divorced after 25 years of marriage and found herself, like her mother, penniless and a single parent. Sure, she had always worked, but now the burden was much higher. My aunt helped my grandma start a very successful diner in town. When the money stopped flowing to her liking she shut it down. This started an 8 year silence between them, in which time my grandma went to college and became a real estate agent. My aunt, being a real estate broker, decided to end the feud and brought my grandmother into her company.
This was the way it was for my entire childhood and teenage years. Grandma and my aunt working side by side. Both equally as talented as the next. Both having this high value set upon always looking professional, I thought for a long time that both women slept in their business suits. My memories are of a family that laughed all the time. We would be together at every holiday and summers. We would go to my aunt's cottage where I learned how to swim under water, where massive food fights would break out for no real good reason, and life was exactly as it should be. Both women were such a huge influence in my life. They showed me how women, against all odds, could be successful. They showed me how to strive to be the best woman imaginable. They showed me perseverance and grace beyond measure. Lessons I live by to this day. I tell you this history to demonstrate to you how lives are torn apart by this disease.
When I was 14 my grandmother's brother, whom I loved more than any other human being on the earth at the time, started having heart troubles. While dealing with his heart issues my aunt's husband of almost 50 years was told he had lung cancer. For 2 years both men suffered simultaneously with their diseases, both hanging on for the last Thanksgiving. My grandma's brother died a week before Christmas, my aunt's husband passing away a week after. Needless to say the deaths took a toll on both of these women. I watched them start to fade together. Neither looked quite a professional as they used to, their hair growing a tad longer than was ever allowed. Neither smiled as much and the cabin now sat deserted. We no longer saw my uncle's side of the family or spent time just being with each other. Every time we came together it felt like it was a forced happiness. My grandma and aunt cried a lot. I remember how sad and defeated they both looked.
In 1999 my aunt's oldest child came home from California, where he had lived for most of his adult life, he came home to die. He had killed himself slowly, constantly consuming alcohol and drugs to drown whatever hell his mind had created for him. He was a beautiful man, and I say this because it is true, he looked like Jesus. I don't mean to compare the two but all the pictures you see of Jesus, at least the ones I have seen, look like my cousin. This tall, skinny man with sandy blond hair down below his shoulders, a small mustache and beard, and the bluest eyes (as if heaven sent). He was funny, when he wasn't sober, he would make you laugh until your sides ached. I remember being kicked out of Thanksgiving dinner one year because I asked him to pass me a roll. From the other side of the table he stood up, stepped back three steps, and hurled the roll (great spin on it like a football) to me! My aunt was not thrilled but we roared with laughter. He came home to die, this fact remains true. He was not nearly 40 years old yet but he was dying and he wanted to be home.
He was gone within three months from the time his plane landed. This is the moment when all started to fade. When all the light went out of my aunt. I remember the precise moment when we realized it was going to kill her. We walked into the funeral home for his calling hours and there he lay, looking for the first time like he was at peace. My aunt walked in with her other two children and started to scream. I remember the sound of it as if it was a recording stuck in my head forever. "My baby" she screamed and clutched at the side of the coffin. I remember the heartbreaking sound of her hitting the floor on her knees. I remember the smell of the funeral home and the feeling like I was invading on something very private. I hated him for a long time after he died. For what he did to himself, for what he did to the family, but most of all what he did to her.
Things went down from there. She started having black outs. Black outs while she was walking, working, and driving. I remember plenty of times she would call my house and we would have to slowly try to guide her to us. She always wanted to be there, something that in the beginning we didn't mind. People seemed to come to my parents house when they were dying. It was a strange thing but my uncle did the same thing and also my cousin. Near the end they all wanted to be with us, which made the deaths so much more real. And then came the little things. Things like sending the bill back to the electric company but keeping the check in her accounting folder. Things like forgetting what numbers were. She would put things in odd places, underwear in the freezer and cold cuts in her microwave. She would make strange foods..jelly on the sweet potatoes was the worst! One year after her son's death my aunt was diagnosed with dementia. She couldn't tell you what she did yesterday but she could tell you in detail what she did when she was 8. She was always having tea with her husband, brother, parents, and son. We would always "just miss them" when we went to visit. She faded quickly. It took only six years for the disease to claim her.
Six long years in which time the Lucille Ball woman left us forever and was replaced with this shell of a human we no longer knew. She became child like again, at one point in time perfectly matching my son's intelligence level when they would sit and play with puzzles together. Then there came a point where I would no longer allow her around my son, she was just too mean and unpredictable. No medications helped and the doctor's treatments failed regularly. Her surviving son did everything in his power to remain by her side. He would talk to her so gently and pat her on the head. She didn't know she was sick, she was having fun, but it nearly killed him.
When she died we all cried a bit but we weren't overwhelmed with grief. We had grieved her years ago. We had watched her fade and knew she was gone. She had slowly left our lives long before her body quit functioning. My grandmother still hasn't cried a tear over her death. She hasn't mourned, she hasn't fully healed, and she is starting to fade.
We are watching, in terrified horror, as my grandmother is starting to slip away from us. She is mean, something that no one would EVER had said about my grandma. She is mean and rude. She says things that are so hurtful yet I feel guilty for getting mad at her. I want her to just snap out of it. To wake up and be my grandma again. Not this empty person she has become but the grandma that was so full of life. The grandma that would never sit for more than a few minutes. The grandma that laughed with all her heart and soul. The grandma that I had is gone, this I know now. Her heart has been broken, she has been broken, and now we have to be here to try and hold her up. It is hard. It is hardest on my mother, who being the oldest, takes the brunt of the harshness. She is demanding and dishonest and takes more patience than any of us seem to have. She has not been diagnosed yet but we know the time is coming near. I hate this disease. I hate what it does and what it leaves in its wake. It comes in like a slow moving cloud, builds to a storm you weren't expecting, and leaves as quietly as it came. Leaving everyone reeling from its devastation. For now I still have her physical body and I have to learn to accept that for what it is. I will hold her a little longer and kiss her as often as possible. I will love her as much as I can and when the light goes out I will be ready. I already miss her completely!

If you or anyone you know might be suffering from this disease PLEASE take this quiz: http://www.alz.org/alzheimers_disease_nadm_quiz.asp early detection is the key to slowing the progess of this disease!

Sometimes You Have To Laugh

2007-06-12T13:18:00.001-05:00

To my sister-in-law, who will be having her first baby in October...Good Luck (it's my brother's kid)!

Okay so here are some of my most embarassing "mom" moments (for those of you who are parents you will fully relate):

10. While walking my son around the block we went to our neighbors house. Now our neighbor was a woman, a very nice and wonderful woman, but she resembled a very burly man. We were sitting on her front porch and my son innocently looked up and said "are you a girl or a boy?" Needless to say I wanted to crawl in a hole.

9. My father has been losing hair for awhile now. It is one of those things that we joke about but never really go too far with it, I don't want to hurt his feelings. So when my son asked my father "Papa, where'd all your hair go?" I just had to laugh. Out of the mouth of babes!

8. When my son was three we were still living in Ohio. Now in the middle of winter there isn't much else to do but walk the mall. So we were at the mall and my son was having the best time riding the little quarter rides in the center. I spent a total of $8 on the rides before I finally told him that was it. He grudgingly removed himself from the ride and continued to walk the mall so nicely. I thought "Whew missed that tantrum". Nope he was just plotting his revenge that is why he was so quiet! We got to the center where all the old Italian men sat while their wives were shopping. My son, quick as a wink, went over put on the best pouty face I have ever seen and gave a huge sob story about how all he wanted was to ride the rides and I didn't have any money. Could they please spare him some change. The little begger got $5! When I tried to give the money back explaining that I had already spent $8 on them, they wouldn't take it back. From that day forward everytime we went to the mall, if those old men were there, they would slip my son money!

7. My son has always been a runner. Even today he runs half his day away, something I call his Gump moments. Well, when he was two it was MUCH worse than it is now. On this particular day he was walking the mall, so sweetly holding my hand, when the devil took over my child. He started to run away from me, zooming up the mall. Now I am chasing my child and not wanting to actually run, I am briskly walking after him. He proceeds to stop and talk to people all the way up the mall and when I would just get close enough to grab him he would sweetly state "I have to go my mommy is coming" and off he would go again. I chased him from one end of the mall to the other, finally catching him at the opposite end of the mall from where we started.

6. I was driving my son to the doctors one day, he was about 4, and noticed at every red light that people were waving at me. I thought "wow, everyone seems so nice today" and would gladly wave back. They would giggle and the light would turn green and on we would go. This happened at 4 red lights before I finally thought something was wrong. I looked back and saw my adorable child sitting in the back seat, underwear on his head (curls sticking out of the leg holes) smiling and waving at the truck next to us...filled with construction workers.

5. He was three when this next wonderful antic took place. My son had a tendency to strip down naked and run around. No big deal really. But on this particular day he thought that it would be great fun to run around the yard like this. So with me, my mom, my dad, my brother, and three of my cousins chasing him my son sprinted as free as a bird around the yard. Easily dodging all of us while he gleefully giggled. Next thing I know he got a strange look on his face, squatted down and yep you guessed it...pooped in the yard!

4. My son was about two when we were walking around (yet again) Wal Mart. We were in the electronics section buying him a new CD for our upcoming road trip. I was standing there with my brother when we heard, what we thought, was water dripping. I turned around and my son is peeing from the sitting position out of the cart onto the floor.

3. Now this one took place about 6 months ago. We had gone to a birthday party at our local build a bear and then we were treated with lunch in the food court of the mall. Our mall's foodcourt is loud and echoes quite a bit but the kids love it. They were enjoying their chick fil a while I spoke quietly with some of the other parents. Now I have to tell you that my son's school is filled with snooty parents and high mucky muck types. I was sitting between a Baptist minister and a dentist when I heard my son (from two tables away) yell out "MOM" I looked up and he proceeded to yell out "I have to tell you when I eat chick fil a I get a little gassy." I was mortified. Everyone was cracking up, well at least those parents with a sense of humor, but all I could think to do was yell back "Ok".

2. When my son was two, such a wonderful age, I was working quite a bit and didn't get a lot of alone time with him. So I decided to sign us up for a Mommy and Me Music class. It was so much fun and he seemed to really enjoy it. The class was filled with these country club woman who would have preferred that my son didn't associate with their children, but I could care the less he was enjoying it and that was all that mattered to me. Well in one particular class the teacher exclaimed that she wanted each child to stand up and sing their favorite song. One by one the kids stood up. Some chose "Row Row Row Your Boat" for others it was "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" and one girl even chose "Mary Had A Little Lamb". When it was my son's turn, I lovingly pecked him on the head and proudly sat waiting for him to start. He started to bob up and down and girate his body as he sang (as loud as could be) "It's Getting Hot In Here." That was the last day we attended Mommy and Me Music class!

1. My number one most embarassing moment of all time took place when my son was 18 months old. We went to our local mall and for some God foresaken reason I had decided that my son could walk the mall that day. We walked with my brother up one side of the mall and started back down the other. The mall was particularly busy this day because the prom expo was going on and everyone in town was there! We decided to go into Claire's Boutique to see if I could find myself a pair of sunglasses. My son found a pair he just HAD to have. I kindly said no, not fully willing to buy my son a $20 pair of sunglasses that were lucky to find themselves still in one piece when we hit the door. He started to throw a tantrum. Screamed, yelled, thrashed, and bit. I picked him up and finally got him back out to the mall. He stiffined his body and I let him go to the ground. He threw himself on the ground in front of me. I then remembered a technique in a parenting magazine I had recently read and chose to ignore it all together. Whoever the child psychologist was the gave this advise obviously never had an 18 month old. I would step over my screaming child and walk a little bit. He would get up and come and throw himself on the floor in front of me. We did this little dance all the way back up the mall. When all of a sudden he stiffened and he proceeded to mess his pants, then announces that he just has done so (not that you couldn't smell it). I sent my brother out to the car to get his diaper bag, yep had one brain fart after another that day, and started walking towards the bathroom in the food court. Then he spots it, he wiggles free, he dodges the crowds, he fights his way all the way to the stage. Climbs the stairs with cat-like reflexes and runs up to the middle of the stage (smelling to high heaven). He starts dancing and smiling. The crowd is roaring and I am mortified. Finally the music stops and I am forced to go and get my child off the stage. As I am carrying him off he is smiling and waving to the crowd. He got changed in the car!!

These are all true. Motherhood will challenge you in ways you never thought humanly possible!!

The Regret

2007-06-12T08:45:00.000-05:00

So I think in every life there is regret. There is that moment you look back on and go "how stupid could I be?" Well, mine came in the form of a man (who else?). While I was pregnant with my son, I worked for a security company. A great little family owned company where I sat and basically played on the computer all night. The IT guy was this young kid (okay he was 19 and I was 21 so it wasn't so bad, he just seemed a lot younger than me at the time) and he would come in to the dispatch and we would play a game of cards every now and then. He would even run down to the store and get me my latest craving. Just a really sweet kid. He would always peek his head in the dispatch room and ask things like "the baby need anything?" He had blond hair and these wonderful blue eyes that would make you want to cry they were just so beautiful. His wide grin would make any girl fall head over heels in love. I used to think "Some girl is going to be really lucky to catch this guy." And I never gave him any thought beyond what a sweet kid he was.

Now when you are stuck in a small building with someone alone for 12 hours a day you get to know them, to say the least. Me and Brett (not his real name by far but it will work) would talk about everything, over a good game of poker. From the recent headlines to weather. He made me laugh a lot and never laughed at my constant rants about my son's father. He would sit so patiently and watch me cry my eyes out. He would tell me often that I should leave him and I thought how naive he was for not understanding my dilemma. He would make simple little comments like "don't you want better than him?" Then he would tell me about his recent girl troubles. The crush he had on his next door neighbor and how his heart was breaking when she decided on his brother instead of him. I would sit and give motherly advise, the whole time my son growing and thriving within me. He made me feel whole when I was with him. Not a beaten and worn out pregnant woman. I was just a woman but most importantly I felt smart when I was with him. I felt myself beginning to look forward to going to work more and more. I wanted to know what quirky little topic we would get on that night. I think my ex saw the difference and wanted to know why I was so eager to get to work. I would make up all kinds of lame excuses. "Oh I just like my job" or "I have a lot of paperwork to do tonight" or "The baby quiets down more when I am there". Never letting him know I was there with someone I enjoyed more than him.

The time came when the inevitable birth of my son was coming closer. I was at work when I went into labor. I remember the fear and tension that Brett had that night. He was frantic. He took me out and put me into his car, the whole time saying "oh god please don't have him in my car, my dad will kill me." He drove so carefully to the hospital, apologizing over every bump. When we got into the hospital he called my family while I got the paperwork filled out. The nurse asked me if my husband, pointing to Brett, would be coming in the delivery room. We both shared a good laugh and explained the situation. Well once my family got there Brett left, not wanting to leave me alone until he knew someone was there with me. I was on maternity leave for 2 months, in this time Brett quit his job and had left for higher and better things. I got to say my goodbyes though and felt certain he was going to be something big some day!

So lets fast forward a year. I am walking around Wal Mart with my son, picking up the much needed diapers and food. When who should I literally run into? Brett. He looked so much older and had this adorable little goatee. Oh he was so handsome. He looked down at me and gave me that huge grin and almost knocked me on the floor. By this time I had already left my son's father and was trying to get my life back in order. He said my son had my eyes and laughed about how different I looked not being pregnant. He asked me if I was still with his father and told me how he was working for a big company now and really missed the security company. We then sat in a moment of awkward silence, where we both stared at each other. Oh my gosh, this was the first time since I left my ex that I really wanted this guy to scoop me up right there and do the unmentionable in the middle of the aisle. He then said something I will never forget as long as I live "you know, we could get together sometime, even just to play cards." (the word I love is EVEN just to play cards. What else did he want to do?) Well, my thoughts weren't exactly on cards, as you could imagine. Before I could give my answer my mother called me away and we never got together.

I later saw him in the mall with his arms around another girl. I should have been happy for him. He finally found someone to care for him. He gave a weak little smile and waved at me from across the mall. I never spoke to him again. But I have missed him a lot, even more lately for some reason. I always wonder what could have been. Would I be single still? Would I have ended up staying in Ohio? Would I have more children? All kinds of questions that I will never know the answer to. Looking back, I think he scared me. He was the exact opposite of my ex and I didn't want to hurt him. Like I have said before, I felt tainted and stained with a past that was just too fresh. I think now I would have turned him down, had I had the chance. Yes he deserved better than me, better than the life I would have given him. I would have been no woman for him and I would have had to put my heart on the line again, so soon after it had been crushed. He would have healed me, I am sure of it, but fear is a powerful emotion. I am too strong willed for a simple and sweet guy like that. He would have had a hard time keeping the reins on me and in the end I think it worked out exactly as it was supposed to. His eyes still haunt me and his smile still invades my dreams. I miss playing cards with him, laughing with him, and as I often did crying with him. I am left with this memory of a kid who was too sweet for me and as the years pass I am sure the memory will start to fade. But for now I will grasp at the memory of the what if and cling to my silent fantasies about a life I was never meant to have.