A Job Lost

So I am losing my job. The company I work for, although very small, has always been rather successful, but lately sales have been way down and there isn't enough money to pay me. Now, I want to first inform you that this comes as a blow for several reasons. Firstly, I love my job. I love the people it puts me in contact with and for once I feel that this is something I am truly good at. I work in Liquidations and Closeouts. I am a creative person by nature and this gives me that outlet that I need. Here I can use my creativity for something worthwhile. I can see the results of my hard work daily and that feels good.

Here if you want a sense of what I do, here is a copy of part of my resume:

Current Position: General Manager

Responsibilities: Customer Service, Web Development, Online Research, Creative Thinking Skills, E-Commerce, Develop and Implement New Sales Strategies, Oversee Ebay Market, Oversee the sales and purchasing of liquidation merchandise, Personal Assistant to CEO, Develop Advertisements, Update External Sites, Packaging, Warehouse Management, Organize Freight, Constant Contact with Vendors and Customers, Find Leads For the Purchasing Department, Digital Camera, Oversee the Day-to-day activities of running the business, Required Frequent Independence, Self Motivation, Multi-Tasking, Good Customer Service Skills, Perfect Language Skills, Quick Typing Skills, Time Management, Correct Grammar Usage, Honesty, Good Business Ethics, and Motivation.

Programs Used: Microsoft Word, Microsoft Works, Microsoft PowerPoint, Fireworks, Dreamweaver, Microsoft Excel, Microsoft FrontPage, Quickbooks, Adobe, UPS, FedEx, Stamps.com

Internet Sites Used Often: Ebay.com, OSCommerce,com, PHP.net, Exporters.com, Surplus.net, Liquidations.com, BLinclink.com, Google.com, Froogle.com, MySpace.com, Blogger.com, Pacassa.com, CloseoutCentral.com, Paypal.com, FreightQuote.com, MyFreightWorld.com, Echo.com, Techliquidators.com, WholesaleCentral.com, AIM, and CraigsList.com

That is it. That is all my responsibilities. The Jack of all trades and master to none. It is terrible but I believe I don't get paid nearly enough for what I do around here and that is ok with me. There are things that matter more to me in this world than a larger pay check. I am blessed to have worked here and be in contact with the people I have been. I am blessed because of the knowledge and growth I have experienced within this tiny warehouse. I am blessed because for a short period of time someone truly believed in the greatness of me. And I am blessed for the laughter and hard work, for each makes us grow in new and life altering ways. But none the less the hit is going to take its toll on me.

The second reason I think I am upset is I genuinely like my boss. He is actually a really great guy. I enjoy being around him and he makes me laugh. That is unique to find in a boss. Not only that but he understands my unique perspective as a single parent and tries his hardest to accommodate that situation. That is rare to find these days. I know he has no choice and for that I am saddened. I saw him yesterday and he looks older than when I first started working here. He looks drawn and tired. I know he has put a lot of effort into this business and my heart aches for his family. The once hyper active likable guy has become melancholy and the change is scary. I don't know why but it is unsettling to me to see him like that. I should be angry with him, I should feel gypped out of something, I should feel all these things and yet I don't. All I feel is great sorrow and a feeling of great loss. I want to help him and not for my own neck. I want to help because I believe in him and his ethics. This is a good person who deserves good things. He once told me "See good things do happen to good people." I don't know if I believe that anymore. It is hard to believe that when daily good people suffer. I want to believe it with all my heart but something in me won't let me have that amount of faith. So I am on the hunt. Luckily, being in South Florida, jobs are plentiful and easy enough to come by. But I know I will not find a position like this again. Not with this boss and not with these customers and that I will sadly miss. I will make it through, that I am certain. I have a tough skin and takes hits like a trooper, but it doesn't make the pain any less. I am starting to stress and can feel my blood getting heated from fear every day. I haven't slept very much lately and my eating habits have changed dramatically. I have never been quite this upset over a loss of a job and I am certain that I will not shine quite as much anywhere else. There is something to be said about me being so upset, he made it too good here for me. I can basically come in when I want, leave when I want (as long as 8 hours is put in in full), I go to lunch when I am hungry, break when I need it, and have no dress code. You can't beat the life here. I am spoiled here and there is nothing wrong with that. I am hitting all major search engines looking for positions, since I have exactly four weeks to do so and so far I have found some promising leads. I think though, subconsciously, I will leave dragging my feet.

Then there is the nagging in the pit of my stomach that will not go away. It is an ever present part of single parenting. You know, the little voice that says "Maybe you won't". It is that part of me that doubts if I can make it as a single parent. It doubts my abilities to juggle motherhood and a career. I mostly doubt my abilities to financially juggle what he needs and what I think he needs. It is a constant struggle. I want to give him the world but financially I can't. I hate feeling this way. His birthday is coming up and I hope I am able to get him a Wii but right now I don't know. It breaks my heart. When will the struggling stop? I think that's what I don't understand. When will I stop struggling? When will it all click into place? When will the doors open and let me walk through unscathed? I guess I am just bummed and not quite sure what to do about it. Something will come along, for that I am thankful, but until then I will just have to go day by day.