A Mother's Heart

I am writing this section first, I know it is out of any kind of order, but it is the section that means the most to me. It is the section that I need to write first if anyone is to understand fully who I am and what I am about. As you have probably already gathered I am a single parent. I am the mother to an almost 7 year old boy who has completely taken over every inch of my heart. I know most mothers say that but there is a different kind of bond between me and my little man. We hang out and laugh more than any of his friends' parents do. I value his opinion and respect him as a human. I don't believe in "laying down the law" in my home and sometimes that means our personalities seriously clash. His friends' parents have rules, ridiculous amounts of rules. "No going in that room" "No drinking out of that cup" "No finger painting in the living room". All kinds of ridiculous rules that make everyone uptight and concerned they are going to step out of line. Not my house! Unfortunately, one of the side effects of me being rather free spirited is that I am not good with rules. I don't enforce any kind of chore list and I certainly don't punish in any way shape or form. I know a child needs structure and rearing and an adult to put conditions on them. I have been told this a thousand times. And although our home may look like certain chaos, to some, to us there is structure. We wake up at 7:00 on the dot every morning, no alarm clock set, that is just when we get out of bed. We watch a little T.V. while we eat our Cheerios out of a muffin pan (hey don't knock it until you try it)! Then we go to are respective "jobs" (mine as a general manager to a liquidation firm and his as a kid) where we say goodbye giving each other 7 hugs and 7 kisses (because 7 is our lucky number). The only rules I do insist on is that we eat dinner together (even if it is catching some Taco Bell on the way to soccer), that his room has to at least have a clear path from his door to his bed in case of late night emergencies, and that bedtime is as close to 8:30 as humanly possible. That's it: that is the structure of my day. That always remains the same it is cozy and comforting. Other than that the majority of the time is spent free style. We do what we want when we want. The main joy of single parenting (to only one child might I add) is that I am free to roam. I don't have to get supper on the table while doing laundry and trying to burp a squirmy little infant. Yesterday we spent an enjoyable afternoon playing in the rain and then once we were dried and freezing cold we cuddled up, popped in a movie, ate popcorn, and fell asleep on the couch. My little man and me! You are probably wondering how I became a single parent and that I am about to share...no matter how painful the recollections become.

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I locked my keys in the car. There that was simple. That is what started the whole ride to single parenting. I locked my keys in my car, a single defining moment in my life. I stood there staring into the window with my best friend beside me watching my keys dangle lifelessly from the ignition. "Damn it, now what?" is all I had to say! If I knew then the monster that was waiting for me inside I would have walked the 10 miles home before I went back in. We walked back into the resturaunt to call our friend Dan. Dan was the guy you called. Not because you wanted to but because he was the kind of guy that would get dressed at 2 am and save you even if it meant getting out of bed and facing a blizzard to do it! A true friend until the bitter end...that was Dan! And what did we do? We abused his kindness. We used it to our advantage. Looking back we were mean. We had once made him sleep in the tub in a hotel room because we only had two beds and we each wanted our own. We brought him along to protect us but instead he was the one who was hurt. My heart breaks from that, it really does, but I am deviating off the topic here. We had to wait a little while until Dan could get to us, so we sat down to have a couple more drinks (soda by the way). We had made friends at this local hang out. Not true friends but more aquaintances. You find some very interesting people at a 24 hour resturaunt. One of these guys happened to be there that night. He was a goofy guy, a little too strung out on some good drugs, he had fried his brains years before. He was loud and crude, but funny to be around. It didn't hurt that he thought we were goddesses either! We met his cousin that night. Let me tell you, I had never in all my life met a more perfect looking man. He was of mixed race and that made him a striking character. Tall (6'3") with this dark hair, skin that looked permantely tanned, and the darkest most beautiful eyes I had ever gazed into. Needless to say I fell in love INSTANTLY. I wanted that man the minute I saw him. There was no doubt about it. I had to have him.
And so I did. We had a long 3 year relationship. In which time this beautiful man not only became the ugliest monster I had ever laid eyes on but the most terrifying person I have ever known. He started out funny and almost kid like. Not like anyone I had ever been around. I grew up sheltered and was not really heavily into the drug scene or really any kind of troubled lifestyle at all. He had friends that spent more time in jail than free and he thought nothing of the fact that one of his friends was so well known by police that he would get pulled over just so the cops could make sure he wasn't up to something. He had actually been kicked out of a town, not part of the town, but the whole damn thing! These were the people I was around for 3 years and I saw things that made my stomach turn in that time frame. Most of these things were caused by that wonderful man that was supposed to be the one I loved. He had once beat a friends child with a belt because the friend asked him to. I was so sick I actually got physically sick from it and called Children Services immediately. Needless to say the children were removed from the home but no charges were ever filed against my ex for it even though I think there should have been. He once threw a puppy out of second story window because it had had an accident on his floor. I took the puppy to the vet I found it a new home and I covered up the whole thing so no one would know what I had gotten myself into. By the second year I was already scared of him. I had seen him do some real damage and seen the wrath of his anger. I was scared and didn't know which way to turn. Then I found out I was pregnant. Now I had to do the unbelievable thing and tell my father. Who, not entirely racist, but he definately had veiws. So I did what I always did I told my mother and let her tell my dad. My dad did not speak to me for the entire 9 months I was pregnant. Now my father and my son are closer than any grandparent/grandchild. My father takes him fishing, taught him how to ride a bike, kisses him goodnight, and has been my newfound best friend. How strangely the world works sometimes.
Now I have to say my son's father was great during the pregnancy. He never missed a doctor's appointment, lamaz class, or blood work. He was there every step of the way. Now aren't you wondering why he was always there? He never worked. He drained my bank accounts freely but never worked himself. Finally when my son was born I had begged him to get a job and please help me support our child. He worked at Kmart for a brief moment in time. I remember when he got his first paycheck I was so happy because it was right at Christmas time and I couldn't afford to get my son anything for his first Christmas. I remember I asked him if he could please buy his son some things for Christmas and he said he was saving the money for something special. I thought maybe he was trying to save to pay a bill or something. But I was sadly mistaken. He had blown his entire check on a party for him and his friends. Complete with alcohol, weed, and strippers. Yep that was what he thought was most important. I think it was this moment that really was the turning point for me. I had been through so much and was so beat down by him that I didn't think I would have the strength to walk away. But I looked into my son's blue innocent eyes and knew immediately I was out of there. No matter if it killed me or not I was not staying. My ex knew it too...he could sense it. I knew he knew this because one day we were driving home and he looked me straight in the face and said "If you take him from me I will come and get him and you will never see him again." I told him over my dead body and he looked at me, cold as ice, and said "that can be arranged." I was terrified he would come and get him so I stayed. Then one night we had had a particularly violent fight. A fight so violent I actually thought I was going to die. When I woke the next morning I looked at him sleeping next to me and thought of how long I would have to hold the pillow over his face before he stopped breathing. I actually was plotting how I would have to sit on him to pin him down when my son cried. He saved both of our lives that morning. He doesn't know this but he did. I got him dressed and called my brother (my source of constant strength) and he answered his cell by saying "Are you ready to leave that ass now?" That was the last time I saw his father. The last thing I saw was him asleep in the bed. I backed out of the driveway, over his XBox (I had to cause him pain somehow), and went home. I have lived with my parents ever since. Not out of fear anymore. Not even out of necessity but because for the first time in my life I am where I am supposed to be.
I remember after I left him Dan, the superman, came to the house to see if I was okay. I told him I was fine. He then asked if I would marry him. He told me that he would take care of my son like his own and never let any harm come to either of us. How I wanted to say yes. I knew I would be safe with him but he deserved better. He deserved someone not so tainted by the hell I had just come out of. He needed someone with no baggage. I sadly had to decline, never telling him my reasons why, I never saw Dan again.
That is it in a nutshell. I know there are people out there who have been through much worse. Much more horrible things than me, and for that I am sorry, but please know that I did this for the love of my son. I didn't do it to save myself I did it so my son wouldn't know the monster whose blood he had coursing through his veins. I did it so my son would grow up knowing the value of a hard days work. I did it so that sparkle in his eyes would always be there and so it has.

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