It Was Then That I Carried You

Little Brother

Jennifer O., Westwood, MA

You remember when they first brought him home,

Wrapped in a blanket; all small and warm.

You remember when he smiled his first smile,

His rosy face smiling up at yours.

Your first bike, the Little League games, the stray pup.

You remember when he started high school,

The advice you gave him, trying to be cool.

Now, you remember, he's almost grown.

Now big sister, he's on his own.

It is with a tear in my eye that I write today. Come September 8th of this year me and my brother will no longer be living in the same state. I have never gone more than 24 hours without seeing him in 21 years, and as much as I hate to admit it, I think part of me really needs him here. I have spent 21 years denying my love for him, cracking jokes daily about selling him to the Amish, but truth be told I love him more than I care to admit. My brother is hilarious, sweet, and gentle...everything I am not! He is just like my mother and I am just like my father. We are as different as night and day and we completely compliment each other. Funny how that works that way.

He has a job opportunity that is too good for him to pass up, this I know, but still it is going to be hard to watch him go. He asked me last night if I wanted to go on a road trip to help him move, I answered no so quickly that I think he got offended. No wasn't exactly what I wanted to say. I wanted to beg and plead with him not to go...I need him too much. But I can't help him move up there. I can't pull away from his new home and know I am coming back here without him. It is my job to protect him it has been since the day he was born and although I have not always been kind to him, I made sure that no one else hurt him. I hate that he is leaving and I don't know what to tell him. How do I ease my own concerns enough to be there for him? I am scared that I am going to need him and he won't be here...even if it is just to moon me after a hard day at work...he always knows when I need a laugh. I don't have to tell him. I don't have to express it. He instinctively knows.

There is part of me that will never be whole living this far way from him. There were times in my life when he was all I needed to get through a day. There were times, like any other siblings, when I wanted to choke him. But ultimately, we have each other. If all else fails, if the world falls down around me, I know he will still be there. That is who he is. He is an amazing uncle, taking over many of those male role model roles with my son. It is amazing to watch him with my little one and not be impressed with his patience and deep love. They have a bond that is fantastic to watch. I don't think there are any amount of words I can say to thank him enough for this time he spends with my son. How can you thank someone for forming such an ever lasting bond? I don't know if he realizes what a profound difference he makes in our life. Does he realize how much joy and laughter he brings us? Does he know how empty and shallow our lives will be when he is gone? It is painful, the reality of knowing that there is nothing I can do about it. There is no way of asking him to walk away from such an amazing offer. One that will benefit him, his wife, and his unborn child. One that will change their lives for the better and give him the satisfaction of knowing that he is supporting his family.

He is going to make an amazing father. I don't know if I have told him this but I should. He has such a gentle spirit and a deep love for children. He is the type of man that will do anything just to hear a child's laugh. I remember when my son was born my brother was only fourteen, but he would sit for hours just holding and rocking him. He would babysit and play with him. He still does all of this. Even though my son is seven, not the age where they want to cuddle, he knows that hugs and kisses are just part of my brother coming over. He knows that he will get a good bear hug, tons of kisses, and a good wrestling buddy. I sat there last night and watched their interaction and my stomach got a knot in it. How will my son be with this move? He has never been away from my brother at all for seven years. The one constant has always been my brother...in both me and my son's lives. I wonder how that will change. Will they still have that bond? I believe they will. I believe that there is nothing in this world my brother wouldn't do or give my son if he has the means. And I know for a fact that no one is looked upon as highly as my brother in little man's eyes. He is a dude...cool...forever fun to Jonathan.
I am going to miss the birth of my first nephew. Something I want to be there for, but I don't think I will be. Now, I know that plenty of families live several states if not countries away from each other. But not us. We have always lived together. Our small little family banning together to fight off the masses. If all else fails you know they are there to have your back and you are there to hold them up. We are dwindling and it scares me. I am watching my little family be torn apart, for many different reasons, all threads of our security blanket are starting to fringe and there is nothing that can be done to stop it. So I will march on, to the beat of my own drum as usual, and pray for the best. Wherever we are supposed to be, whatever turn my life takes, I will walk in blind faith that I am being cared for. I cannot plan for my future, I don't have it all mapped out as some do, that is not the way my brain works. I work in the day to day. I live daily like it was my last and do what I think is right at that moment. God has protected me so far. He has kept our little family safe from any major harm and he will do the same this time. I have that much known. Wherever we roam he will guide our footsteps carefully and carry us when we cannot walk any further. I hope when all else fails we will all be together again. My heart can't handle much more!

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord. Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene, he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand: one belonging to him, and the other to the Lord. When the last scene of his life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life. This really bothered him and he questioned the Lord about it. "Lord, You said that once I decided to follow you, You'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me." The Lord replied,"My son, My precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I Carried You."