Infiltration of the opposing force begin!!

As a single mother there are two things that will always remain true in my life: 1. I will never be a soccer mom & 2. I will always be one of "those" women!! So I was surprised to find myself invited to join the PTA board at my son's school. I was now a foreigner in a strange land. I found myself surrounded by housewives whose greatest ambition in life was to further their children's position in school by being there ALL the time. I have now attended two PTA meetings and can now break down for you the oppositional team.

You have the social climber. If her life would have taken her in any other direction she would be sitting on a corporate board somewhere wearing a man shirt and barking orders at terrified interns. She is exceedingly kind and funny to the point of just being creepy.

You have your back stabbers. Oh you know the ones. Smile, giggle, wink, and get info. They are snooping, gabbing, and constantly trying to outshine and outshoot their "friends". These were your popular girls, your cheerleaders, your pep squad team. Each tries as they might to gain popularity with every single person. Unfortunately, at our age it is nothing more than an insecure unhappy woman trying to make herself feel better at the expense of anyone else she deems as competition.

There is, of course, the women who do not know how to do anything besides have children. These women generate children at roughly the same rate as most people change their underwear. They have so many children it becomes apparent that they should have a school to themselves. These women make me exhausted just watching them kiss their children goodbye. How does she keep track of them all? I would have, for sure, left one at a mall, airport, or at some random spot in my town! It must take them three hours just to say goodnight to all of their spawn!

There is the mother with the perfect amount of beautiful little children, who has the golden retriever, and white picket fence. She is just "DEELIGHHTED" to be taken advantage of. She loves to bake and clean. Her kids all have their hair parted in just the right place, their faces are always Kool-Aid mustache free, and their shirts are always EXACTLY the right size. Somehow I find myself trying desperately not to gag whenever her prissy little ass walks into the room.

I love Mrs. What Did You Say? She's a blast to mess with. She only joined the PTA so she could get the dirt on the school, teachers, administrators, and children. She is quick to pass along a rumor or to dig up dirt on Mrs. Second Grade Teacher who happened to be found having a little fun in the broom closet with Mr. MARRIED Gym Teacher. I think I will tell her something about myself and see how long it takes to get back to me!! That should be fun.

Then you have Mrs. I Know EVERYONE. Oh I love her. Mention a name, any name, and she instantly knows them. The Pope...he blessed my new home! Prince William...had tea with him last Tuesday. God...oh yes he helps me wash my floors. It's truly amusing. I try desperately not to just yell out random names (Farcus Dingas for instance) just to see if she says anything. I believe I will test her at the next meeting! Let's see how many people she truly knows!!

But the ultimate, the best, the ones that are just downright comical are the ones that have their children in EVERYTHING and these children happen to be super children. They are able to beat any child at a foot race, receive top marks in every class, and leap tall buildings in a single bound!! I have to patiently sit and listen to how little miss Sally scored in her last soccer game or how little Sam did at swimming practice. How they "suffer" so horribly because they had to downsize from a full year Y membership to pay monthly. They have so much going out to insure their children are in every single extra curricular activity to come down the pike that there just isn't anything extra. You know their son. Bobby. He's a darling boy who happens to play the piano, knows how to start a campfire using just two sticks, he's a brilliant soccer player, a green belt in karate, he swims like a fish, kicks a football further than anyone else, and have I mentioned he came up with a alternate theory of relativity? He happens to look like the backside of some scrawny mutt but he's truly an amazing little boy!! These happen to be the same women who have a five bedroom house, drive a BMW, and happen to carry a purse that is worth more than my entire wardrobe. They better you no matter what you have. Possessions and impressions mean more than anything else. These are the women that in twenty years will still have the tits and ass of a teenager!! It truly is sad to witness.

There are those of course that despite a better monetary position than myself remain amazingly true. They are hard working men and women that are part of the PTA for the benefit of having a say in the running of their children's school. These are the people I feel sorry for because they are surrounded by fools. Fools that wouldn't know how to run an organization if the blueprint was laid at their feet. I will infiltrate. I will play the games. And in the end I will remain the same person I always have been...able to find the humor in the most humorless of situations!!