Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease, Dementia

Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease (CJD) is a very rare dementing disease first identified in the 1920s. Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease is believed to be caused by something called proteinaceous prions that can live in the body for years before any signs of the disease become obvious. CJD affects people between the ages of 50 and 70 years.

My grandmother has been diagnosed with CJD and it has progressed very rapidly. It has been a very difficult adventure for all of. Our adventure started on September first of this year, while setting up my son's 7th birthday party, my grandmother collapsed. When the ambulance arrived we insisted she go to the hospital and there they found that she had suffered a major heart attack and more than likely died on us at least once. She then underwent a very scary 5-valve transplant surgery. She passed away at least twice on the operating table and at least once while in ICU. She spent an very touch and go 3 weeks in the ICU unit of our hospital. It was during this process that we noticed some issues starting to arise. We noticed that she was hallucinating a lot, more than what was to be expected, and that her legs didn't move quite as well as could be expected. Upon voicing our concerns it was brought up that she had dementia. This not being our first dealings with the disease, we were scared to say the least. So she was released to a nursing home with faith that eventually they would get her walking.

I am not one to bad mouth our medical services, their jobs are ones that I personally could never do, but this process has brought about a lot of issues with our medical services. I will get into this later but I need to bring up some issues. They were doing intensive rehab with my grandma for about 3 weeks when they decided that she had plateaued. And much to our dismay they stopped the rehab. She has not been able to walk since before her surgery. She has since lost all use of her legs and right arm. This loss of use is not a physical loss it is a mental loss. She does not know how to get her legs to do what they should or her hand. Her auto responses to move these parts is completely lost. It's the sad reality of life I suppose but it is one that I am not comfortable with. I can't shake the feeling that they stopped the rehab too early, they didn't give her enough time to work it out. And then I figured it out. Grandma's medicaid had not started and rehab is $100 daily and being normal people with normal jobs this wasn't exactly doable, so they stopped it!

Last weekend we received a phone call at 8:00am that Grandma had had seizure in the shower and that they were taking her to the hospital. So upon entering the hospital it became very obvious what had happened. She had a urinary tract infection that was not being taken care of properly. The issue with dementia is that every little thing that takes them out of their routine will take them a little bit further down. Well she dropped quickly. This is where my complaints of the medical services start! So those of you that are nurses please understand that it is not the entire the medical community that has me upset just the ones taking care of my grandmother. She has had some wonderful nurses we felt very secure in leaving her with and some that it took everything in us not to choke them on the spot. My main complaint has been the complete lack of general hygiene. Our family has spent countless hours at the hospital by her bedside. Daily when we walk in the floor in general smells of urine or feces. The floor is sticky when you walk on it. Her room has several times been absolutely disgusting with bloody gauze and needles littering the floor. I don't even want to tell you the times that we have walked in to find my grandmother sitting helplessly in a bed soaked with urine. She also cannot feed herself and instead of feeding her they cut her food and left it there in front of her. We found pieces of food laying in the urine at her side where she had obviously not been able to get the food to her mouth. Her glasses got broken somehow but no one seems to have an answer as to how the occurred. It is so disturbing to have to even go and see her because of her deterioration but to have this issue compounded is just terrible. We also cannot get a decent response from the medical staff. Her nurses seem to be disturbed and bothered to answer a general question. They huff and puff when we ask them to please change her urine soaked sheets. It is just horrible. I don't know how as a human being you could see that situation and not do anything! We went in last weekend to find her roommate sitting on the toilet where she had defecated and grandma again sitting in her own urine. The roommate had been on that toilet for 1 full hour alone. Her nurse, when we asked her why, simply rolled her eyes and walked away from us. We have complained several times to the patient advocate and things may get better that day but it is definitely back to the filth and disgust within a day or so.

Basically Grandma lapsed into a drug induced coma on Saturday. Now my complaint here is simple. Grandma was obviously not able to get any nutrients by mouth but they never hooked her up to an IV to take care of it. So my grandma laid there for 48 hours being pumped full of meds with no nutrients going in her body at all. Well needless to say, she woke up this morning dehydrated and starving. I am sorry but I really feel like our medical personal has failed us this time and am seriously considering seeking legal assistance. Hopefully she will be released back to the nursing home soon where we can at least trust they will change her often and keep her clean and fed.

I know it has been a long time since I have written and wanted to at least touch base with you all to let you know what is going on. I wish I had some poetic highly philosophical thing to say but I am exhausted and cannot think any further. I keep praying to god to just take her. I know it sounds horribly but this is torture. How long can we see her suffer? It has made me rethink my stance on quite a few issues. This slow suffering is just too much. The indignity of it all is horrendous. Why can she not just die peacefully in her sleep so that she no longer has to suffer. Sitting in her own urine and not being able to feed herself, how are we supposed to watch this? How are we supposed to have faith when we watch such things? I don't understand my own beliefs anymore. I don't understand my god right now. I want to say that I believe it is all happening for a reason but truthfully I don't understand. I don't see his lesson and I hate that I can't save her. I can't stop the horrible things that happen. I can't watch anymore of it but I can't walk away either. I hate the morning light because my tears are then visible. I hate that Christmas is coming and I cannot enjoy it. I cannot find the miracle of the season and I hate that. I am mourning her so badly. Her cookies and laughter. I miss her lessons and words of encouragement. I cannot find the heart to repeat her words to myself, they hurt too bad to remember. I know that death is just part of living but why does it have to be drawn out so long. Why does it have to be so undignified? Why does it have to steal away every last bit of pride that she has? I guess for me I don't understand the whole situation and feel like there is so much faith required that I just don't know if I have it left in me. To see someone so strong independent brought to this states is hell!

Back To School

Today, in South Florida, was a day to remember. The first day of school. You know the day when you would have butterflies in your stomach and you would be so exhausted because you had been up all night because of that blasted naked in the hallway dreams. My son started first grade today. It is hard to imagine that he is almost seven years old and already in "big boy" school. I am concerned though, as I am sure most parents are today. I am concerned whether he is ready for first grade or not. And here is why:

Last year my son had a marvelous teacher. Really she was one of those one of a kind teachers. Those teachers that make you want to go to school every day. A unique blend of angel and inventor. She had a true gift for her career. She had a deeply beautiful understanding of how children work. It gave my son and his fellow classmates a great start in their educational life. Her class was as close as I have ever seen a classroom before. She was honest and sweet and became the matriarch of our little "family". Our children are now split amoung the first grade classes but that hasn't stopped us from remaining friends. Our children have become truly OUR children. I watch out for their children and they watch out for mine. These kids became more like siblings than classmates. They were a well oiled machine with Mrs. Baker at the helm. With all this greatness you would wonder why I am concerned.

I am not sure if my son was properly prepared for "real" school. Mrs. Baker made everyday fun and adventurous...will my son be just as inclined to learn while sitting in a desk? They were spoiled and pampered beyond belief...how will they all feel with a teacher that doesn't revolve her world around them? How will they react when they have to actually raise their hand to leave their desk or write their name correctly every time? How will they feel when there are no laughing little frogs filling the room and they are expected to behave correctly? Will he get bored? Will he act up? I am not that sure.

I am not the only one that has voiced these opinions. It is a deepening concern. I suppose only time will tell. And when it is all said and done one thing will be for certain...he will be a smarter child for it!

Home

Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter,you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again. Psalm 71:20-21

I believe, throughout all my blogs, I have made the fact that I am a devout Christian fairly clear. I think I have made my beliefs front and center. I am not the type of person to shove my beliefs down any one's throat, so please if you think you may be offended or roll your eyes don't read on. This weekend I had one of those surreal moments that we sometimes have. No, no angels came down or I didn't see the face of God in my cheese or anything, this was one of those simple moments that no one realized how touched I truly was. I have been out of my church for awhile now. As you all have known, I have had some health issues and financial problems. My reasons for not attending church were varied but I daily prayed to God to give me the strength to face one more day and kept up with my daily reading of the Bible.

Sunday I returned to my church, I returned home. The things that touched me so dearly were so simple yet they meant so much. People coming up and asking if I was okay, if I needed anything, or that they had been praying for me. I don't think anyone can even begin to understand how deeply I was touched by this. To know we do not walk alone in our times of need is amazing. I have long held the belief that we must taste the bottom of the barrel so that the top will be more amazing. God tests us, he tests our faith in him but our faith in ourselves even more, and when we rise from the ashes we are stronger and smarter for it! Like the phoenix we rise from our ashes new and refreshed.

So I just want to take this opportunity to publicly thank all of my "family" at Grace Community United Methodist Church of Fish Hawk for all that you do! Your a wonderful extension to my family and your prayers and love have sustained my soul through times of trouble and uncertainty! Really, in my life, I have never found a more wonderful group of people!

It Was Then That I Carried You

Little Brother

Jennifer O., Westwood, MA

You remember when they first brought him home,

Wrapped in a blanket; all small and warm.

You remember when he smiled his first smile,

His rosy face smiling up at yours.

Your first bike, the Little League games, the stray pup.

You remember when he started high school,

The advice you gave him, trying to be cool.

Now, you remember, he's almost grown.

Now big sister, he's on his own.

It is with a tear in my eye that I write today. Come September 8th of this year me and my brother will no longer be living in the same state. I have never gone more than 24 hours without seeing him in 21 years, and as much as I hate to admit it, I think part of me really needs him here. I have spent 21 years denying my love for him, cracking jokes daily about selling him to the Amish, but truth be told I love him more than I care to admit. My brother is hilarious, sweet, and gentle...everything I am not! He is just like my mother and I am just like my father. We are as different as night and day and we completely compliment each other. Funny how that works that way.

He has a job opportunity that is too good for him to pass up, this I know, but still it is going to be hard to watch him go. He asked me last night if I wanted to go on a road trip to help him move, I answered no so quickly that I think he got offended. No wasn't exactly what I wanted to say. I wanted to beg and plead with him not to go...I need him too much. But I can't help him move up there. I can't pull away from his new home and know I am coming back here without him. It is my job to protect him it has been since the day he was born and although I have not always been kind to him, I made sure that no one else hurt him. I hate that he is leaving and I don't know what to tell him. How do I ease my own concerns enough to be there for him? I am scared that I am going to need him and he won't be here...even if it is just to moon me after a hard day at work...he always knows when I need a laugh. I don't have to tell him. I don't have to express it. He instinctively knows.

There is part of me that will never be whole living this far way from him. There were times in my life when he was all I needed to get through a day. There were times, like any other siblings, when I wanted to choke him. But ultimately, we have each other. If all else fails, if the world falls down around me, I know he will still be there. That is who he is. He is an amazing uncle, taking over many of those male role model roles with my son. It is amazing to watch him with my little one and not be impressed with his patience and deep love. They have a bond that is fantastic to watch. I don't think there are any amount of words I can say to thank him enough for this time he spends with my son. How can you thank someone for forming such an ever lasting bond? I don't know if he realizes what a profound difference he makes in our life. Does he realize how much joy and laughter he brings us? Does he know how empty and shallow our lives will be when he is gone? It is painful, the reality of knowing that there is nothing I can do about it. There is no way of asking him to walk away from such an amazing offer. One that will benefit him, his wife, and his unborn child. One that will change their lives for the better and give him the satisfaction of knowing that he is supporting his family.

He is going to make an amazing father. I don't know if I have told him this but I should. He has such a gentle spirit and a deep love for children. He is the type of man that will do anything just to hear a child's laugh. I remember when my son was born my brother was only fourteen, but he would sit for hours just holding and rocking him. He would babysit and play with him. He still does all of this. Even though my son is seven, not the age where they want to cuddle, he knows that hugs and kisses are just part of my brother coming over. He knows that he will get a good bear hug, tons of kisses, and a good wrestling buddy. I sat there last night and watched their interaction and my stomach got a knot in it. How will my son be with this move? He has never been away from my brother at all for seven years. The one constant has always been my brother...in both me and my son's lives. I wonder how that will change. Will they still have that bond? I believe they will. I believe that there is nothing in this world my brother wouldn't do or give my son if he has the means. And I know for a fact that no one is looked upon as highly as my brother in little man's eyes. He is a dude...cool...forever fun to Jonathan.
I am going to miss the birth of my first nephew. Something I want to be there for, but I don't think I will be. Now, I know that plenty of families live several states if not countries away from each other. But not us. We have always lived together. Our small little family banning together to fight off the masses. If all else fails you know they are there to have your back and you are there to hold them up. We are dwindling and it scares me. I am watching my little family be torn apart, for many different reasons, all threads of our security blanket are starting to fringe and there is nothing that can be done to stop it. So I will march on, to the beat of my own drum as usual, and pray for the best. Wherever we are supposed to be, whatever turn my life takes, I will walk in blind faith that I am being cared for. I cannot plan for my future, I don't have it all mapped out as some do, that is not the way my brain works. I work in the day to day. I live daily like it was my last and do what I think is right at that moment. God has protected me so far. He has kept our little family safe from any major harm and he will do the same this time. I have that much known. Wherever we roam he will guide our footsteps carefully and carry us when we cannot walk any further. I hope when all else fails we will all be together again. My heart can't handle much more!

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord. Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene, he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand: one belonging to him, and the other to the Lord. When the last scene of his life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life. This really bothered him and he questioned the Lord about it. "Lord, You said that once I decided to follow you, You'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me." The Lord replied,"My son, My precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I Carried You."

I'd Rather Have The Bloody Nose

Cyberbullying leads to violence in Pasco CountySunday, August 5, 2007 Cyberbullying is on the rise, particularly among teenage girls. PASCO COUNTY (Bay News 9) -- The Internet has taken bullying from the school yard to computers worldwide.
It's called cyberbullying, where kids and teens hurl insults on-line.
One cyber-feud in Pasco County turned into violence on the street.
Zephyrhills police said they arrested a 17-year-old girl for slashing others with a boxcutter following a fight that started on MySpace.
Nasty things said in the virtual world can lead to troubles in the real world like in Zephyrhills as Sergeant Rob Perrault explained.
"When they confronted her they got into an altercation," Perrault said. "This other girl presented a boxcutter and started swinging the boxcutter at whoever was confronting the friend."

CyberbullyingInsults on-line spread rapidlyDr. Steve O'Brien discusses cyber safety and bullying.School Resource Center E-mail TV reporter Michelle KayThree victims wound up with slashes all over their bodies.
Perrault said parents should keep an eye out for high tech name calling.
"Ultimately, parents need to supervise their children at all times," he said
Lizette Alexander with the Pasco County School District said whether it's e-mails, texts or instant messages, they spread quickly.
"You embarrass someone on line it's not as simple as, 'Well, I said you were a liar to a friend on the phone.' It might take weeks before a half dozen people heard about it," Alexander said. "Now, at the push of a button you have many people involved in that communication."

Lizette Alexander said whether it's e-mails, texts or instant messages, they spread quickly.Police and the schools said it's best not to start anything in cyberspace to begin with.
The 17-year-old accused of using the boxcutter is charged with several counts of aggravated battery.
Most school districts have added cyberbullying polices to protect students. Pasco schools have flyers to give to kids and parents warning about how to prevent and handle cyberbullying. Children are encouraged to tell a trusted adult if they believe they are victims.
When you think of traditional playground bullies you may think of fights involving boys. But on the web girls are more likely to hurl insults. According to a study by the University of Wisconsin, 38 percent of girls said they've been bullied compared to 34 percent of boys.
However, many of the girls said they do respond back to the bully and many times the online message gets out of hand. Twelve percent of kids in that study said they'd been physically threatened.
A bill in Washington that calls attention to cyberbullying was introduced last week. The "Protecting Children in the 21st Century Act" would make sure children get educated about the issue and help them understand how to appropriately communicate on social networking web sites and chat rooms.

Okay so is anyone else sick of the issues that the Internet is causing? I love the Internet don't get me wrong...it is my livelihood, but there are issues that arise daily because of misuse of its power. Now, most people would say that we honestly view the Internet as a means to let off some steam...saying things that we normally wouldn't to the face of another person. The reason being that we don't have to look them in the eye when we do so!

My son will soon be 7 and I worry about the world he is growing up in. There seems to be no recourse for a parent. I hate the idea that he will one day be picked on but I know the day will come. I was picked on in school and I had horrible self esteem throughout my teenage years. It was terrible. Bullying on the playground/hallways still occurs. My baby cousin, not really a baby he is 12, endured some of the worst bullying last year and my heart just broke for him. He is one of the sweetest most sensitive natured boys you will ever meet. He is quiet and responsible...an easy target for a bully. This bully latched onto him almost as soon as school started. He punched him in the groin, took his lunch, threw his books to the floor, pushed him around...it was terrible. Every week it seemed his parents were on the phone with someone at the school trying to get the issue cleared up...do you know their response? Well, we didn't see it happen so there isn't much we can do. It got to the point where my cousin was coming home from school and vomiting from the situation. It got fully out of control. And then the bully got expelled...do you want to know why? He brought a knife to school. You talk about terrifying. Here was the child that had put my baby cousin through so much hell carrying a knife. And the school? Was absolutely NO help at all. Horrible!! You depend on these schools to be there for your child not created a worse problem.
Now add to that the cyber bullying and you have a compounded problem that can have some damaging and lasting effects. Parents NEED to monitor what their children do online. How many times do you people have to hear that? It has to be one of the most irresponsible things a parent could do...I don't care what the excuse is. My child, almost 7, has NEVER been on the Internet. He has never logged into any site and I aim to keep it that way for as long as possible. When he is old enough our computer will be in the general living area where adult eyes will monitor his every move. I will not take chances when it comes to his well being...either physical or mental. That is the bottom line. And there will be hell to pay for the child that does bully him. I don't take unfair treatment sitting down or lightly. I let my views be known...typically in a public arena loudly! I am not a fighter. I have never physically fought before in my life but I know how to verbally get a point across. This is a ridiculous issue that we shouldn't even be dealing with, if parents were doing their jobs!

When are people going to realize the lasting effects that bullying has? Do we forget Columbine and Virginia Tech? You would think that we would get the point. THIS NEEDS TO STOP! It needs to stop being tolerated at home. It needs to have swift lasting consequences at school. And there needs to be laws that govern it online. I for one am in support for the bill. So I have to give up some freedom of speech so be it..will a single life be saved by this bill? You bet, and that is worth it. Please PLEASE PLEASE if you have school age children or grandchildren visit this site. It could save your child's life! Remember that suicidal rates are high during the teen years...bullying is usually the underlying reason...don't let it invade your family!

Some simple statistics for you to ponder

Although little research has been conducted on cyber bullying, recent studies have found that:
18% of students in grades 6-8 said they had been cyberbullied at least once in the last couple of months; and 6% said it had happened to them 2 or more times (Kowalski et al., 2005).
11% of students in grades 6-8 said they had cyberbullied another person at least once in the last couple of months, and 2% said they had done it two or more times (Kowalski et al., 2005).
19% of regular Internet users between the ages of 10 and 17 reported being involved in online aggression; 15% had been aggressors, and 7% had been targets (3% were both aggressors and targets) (Ybarra & Mitchell, 2004).
17% of 6-11 year-olds and 36% of 12-17-year-olds reported that someone said threatening or embarrassing things about them through e-mail, instant messages, web sites, chat rooms, or text messages (Fight Crime: Invest in Kids, 2006).
Cyber bullying has increased in recent years. In nationally representative surveys of 10-17 year-olds, twice as many children and youth indicated that they had been victims and perpetrators of online harassment in 2005 compared with 1999/2000 (Wolak, Mitchell, & Finkelhor, 2006). Who are the victims and perpetrators of cyber bullying? In a recent study of students in grades 6-8 (Kowalski et al., 2005):
Girls were about twice as likely as boys to be victims and perpetrators of cyber bullying.
Of those students who had been cyberbullied relatively frequently (at least twice in the last couple of months):
62% said that they had been cyberbullied by another student at school, and 46% had been cyberbullied by a friend.
55% didn't know who had cyberbullied them.
Of those students who admitted cyber bullying others relatively frequently:
60% had cyberbullied another student at school, and 56% had cyberbullied a friend.What are the most common methods of cyber bullying? In recent studies of middle and high school students, (Fight Crime: Invest in Kids, 2006; Kowalski et al., 2005; Wolak, Mitchell, & Finkelhor, 2006) the most common way that children and youth reported being cyberbullied was through instant messaging. Somewhat less common ways involved the use of chat rooms, e-mails, and messages posted on web sites. A study of younger children (Fight Crime: Invest in Kids, 2006) showed that they were most often bullied through e-mail, comments on a web site, or in a chat room. Where are children and youth cyber bullied? In a recent telephone survey of preteens (6-11 year-olds) and teens (12-17 year-olds) (Fight Crime: Invest in Kids, 2006):
45% of preteens and 30% of teens who had been cyber bullied received the messages while at school;
44% of preteens and 70% of teens who had been cyber bullied received the messages at home; and
34% of preteens and 25% of teens who had been cyber bullied received the messages while at a friend's house. Do children tell others if they are cyber bullied?According to one telephone survey of preteens and teens (Fight Crime: Invest in Kids, 2006):
51% of preteens but only 35% of teens who had been cyber bullied had told their parents about their experience;
27% of preteens and only 9% of teens who had been cyber bullied had told a teacher;
44% of preteens and 72% of teens who had been cyber bullied had told a friend;
31% of preteens and 35% of teens who had been cyber bullied had told a brother or sister; and
16% of preteens and teens who had been cyber bullied had told no one.

These numbers are staggering. Please I implore you to speak to your children. Give them a trusted adult, if you relationships are strained, they can go to. Give them an OUT!!

Update on the Job Situation

For all of you that have been following my recent loss of a job I have great news!! The owner of the company I was working for has received good news and is now able to once again pay me to work here!! I am continuing my effort to uplift and make this company grow to new horizons. I just wanted to thank all of you for your words of encouragement and prayers...it helped a great deal!

A Theme Song For All Time

When you walk through a storm

Hold your chin up high

And don't be afraid of the dark.

At the end of a storm

Is a golden sky

And the sweet, silver song of a lark.

Walk on, through the wind,

Walk on, through the rain,

Though your dreams be tossed and blown.

Walk on, walk on with hope in your heart,

And you'll never walk alone,

You'll never walk alone.

***************************************************

So, I think if I had to choose a theme song for myself this would be the one. I have fallen on hard times recently, which accounts for my lack of blogging, but does not excuse it. As I wrote before, my job, which I love dearly, is coming to an end. So, now I am on the job hunt...trying to sell myself to strangers in a short half hour interview. How can that possibly be done? How can I let them know the real me in such a short time? Interviews make me nervous and when I get nervous I tend to ramble, no one wants to hire a plain mousy headed chatter box. It makes me want to scream! I don't like business attire and quite frankly the thought of stuffy offices makes me break out in hives, but I have to do what is best for myself and my son. I just wish I knew which direction that was. Then I look at my son's upcoming birthday and cringe because I don't know how I will afford the Wii system he has been begging for when I have to buy him school supplies to start the year out with. It is all very stressful right now and I am not sure how to ease my worried mind. I try to hold my head up and keep forging ahead when all I really want to do is go back to bed. I know that everyone falls on hard times and I shouldn't be really complaining I have a roof over my head and that is something to be thankful for but I am not sure how much more I can take. My grandma has always had a great phrase that I truly do believe in "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." or even better "God will never give you more than you can handle." Well, my only problem is I don't know if I can handle much more.

If my theme song is correct than I should not feel alone if I am walking on through the storm, but why then do I? Why do I feel so helpless and alone? I find myself at the mercy of others and it makes me so scared. It takes a lot to scare me or stress me out...I have been through too much to let anything really get me down...but I am down. I try so hard to hide it from my parents and my son. You know, put on my little mask of delight and move past it, but I am starting to pay for that decision as well. My health is starting to be affected and I have no way of paying for the doctor. AHHHHHH!!! Would anyone really blame me if I just rolled up in bed and never again faced this unmistakably insecure world? Yes, they would. And I would blame myself for letting me get so beaten down. Through many years of trials and heartaches I have forged through undaunted, I truthfully don't know what makes this time so much different. Maybe it is the compound effects of so many different elements. The guilt of leaving my son day in and day out to go to work, missing so much of his childhood. I never heard his first words and I hardly remember the smell of him as a baby. I missed all of it. And now as a young child I feel I have lost all connection to him. I don't know him, not how my mother always knew me and my brother. I don't know how he acts two days before he gets sick, I don't know when he needs me even though I am not with him (we used to call my mom a witch for her innate ability to come and find us if we needed her), and I certainly don't act like your typical "mom". I never utter typical "mom" phrases and I have very little rules for him to be governed by. How can I possibly call myself his mother? I hate it. This is the part about single parenting that I despise and I find myself damning his father a lot lately for being so horrid. Why couldn't he stand by me the way my dad stands by my mom? Why couldn't I have that husband that supports us? I guess for me it wasn't meant to be. Add to this the unmistakable issue of no money and you have a compounded problem. I have literally .26 to my name right now and no idea where I am going to get anymore money. It is very unnerving to me to have to explain to my young son why he can't get that new game he has wanted because I don't have the money. He is a good kid and should have all the things that the world has to offer but I just can't provide them to him. I am a strong person, this has always been true, but how much strength do I need in this life? Just for once I don't want creditors to call me. Just for once I would like to buy myself brand new clothes and not feel guilty. Just for once I would like to take a weekend getaway and not have to count dimes and pennies just for gas.

Now living in southern Florida has it's benefits, this I will never deny. We have beautiful weather year around, the sun is always bright, and we are lucky to have such a great economy. Now you are probably wondering where I am headed with this. I want the next few sections to show that even with all the bad I still have my sense of philosophy and fun. I still laugh. The bi product of living in southern Florida, besides the hurricanes and traffic, is the creatures. We have creatures. Big nasty creatures. We have had palmetto bugs in our living room, geckos in our bedrooms, and snakes in our lanai. Sounds bad right? Not so much. But what we found in my parent's shower on Thursday was disgusting. There was a huge nasty slimy toad in her shower. We have no idea where it came from and quite frankly I don't care. But my mother was in the bathroom when I heard a scream unlike any other. I really thought someone was trying to kill her in there. I took off running and got to the door to find my pasty faced mother pointing into her shower. There sitting in the corner was this nasty frog, about the size of my hand. Not like the cute little tree frogs that stick to our house, but a nasty mustard colored toad. Well, the day was horrible and I had been suffering from stomach cramps all day. To say this was the nail that drove my nervous breakdown home would be an understatement. Where was I in my mother's time of need? Not dashing in to save her I was bent over on the floor, tears streaming from my eyes, laughing so hard my sides hurt. I think it was the fear in my mother's face that drove me my fits of laughter or the absurdity of the situation. Either way I laughed until I was in tears. I took pictures of the ugly beast basking in the sunlight filtering through my mother's bathroom skylight. I couldn't help myself. I emailed friends with the astounding picture of our little visitor. And then I stopped. It wasn't very funny anymore. All of a sudden, just like the flip of a switch, I saw the meaning behind the toad. Earlier I had said out loud to my mother "I think God has left my corner. I just don't know if he is even there anymore." I have not uttered these words since my ex beat me to an inch of my life. I have never questioned God's unending love for me. I always just knew he was there. FROG is an anagram that a friend of mine used when her son was dying of cancer. Forever Rely On God. That was her thing. Frogs fill her home, even now two years after her little one passed away. It got her through her heartache and loss. I honestly don't know how she made it through losing her 4 year old son, I think I would have folded up myself, but she claims that God always sent her frogs and toads as little reminders to her that he was still there to be relied on. I don't know if this is what she meant but all of a sudden I felt very peaceful with myself. God had sent that frog into our house to remind all of us that he is still there and to rely on him. Whether this is true or not I can't tell you but it sure changed my day. All of a sudden my cell phone was ringing and I got three interviews set up in one day. Things started happening. So be far from me to question one's belief in superior beings. I don't claim to know the cosmos and I don't want to change any one's view. You believe in whatever deity fits your life and I will believe in mine. But something changed things that day.

Now again living in south Florida has it's benefits. Swimming is one of them. Most communities have pools and if not you are sure to know someone that has one. My grandmother's 55+ community (another amenity of southern Florida that is not in short supply but I will complain about snowbirds another time) has a pool. Me and my son are frequent visitors of this pool. I love the indoor setting and the jacuzzi is to die for. So we picked my grandmother up and went over to the pool. Now you need to understand that my grandma just bought a BRAND NEW bathing suite maybe 2 weeks ago because she lost her other one. So I went to pick her up and she is wearing white shorts and a white shirt (that she wore 3 days in a row mind you) and decided she wasn't going to swim today. No big deal. My grandmother isn't a swimmer matter of fact she is terrified of water. She is the only person I have ever met that can sink wearing a life jacket. So we headed down to the pool. It wasn't packed but did have two older gentlemen and a couple of younger kids in the pool at this time. So my grandma is sitting in the chair while I am in the pool with my son. All of a sudden I turn around and my grandmother is sitting on one of the pool steps. IN HER WHITE SHORTS WITH WHITE UNDERWEAR UNDERNEATH. Oh my God!! I all of a sudden was completely embarrassed. There wasn't one of her "personal effects" not showing. It was all there for the world to see. I was absolutely mortified. Another thing that I am great about is I don't get embarrassed easily but I was faced with a half naked grandmother in the a public pool. Oh dear God what was I to do? So I swam on over to her and struck up a conversation. Trying to keep her in the pool until the other men left. Finally we were alone for a brief moment in time. She proceeded to stand up and walk over to the door all of her assets showing through her shorts. Finally she put a towel around her. Then she said she had to go to the bathroom. Okay I thought that will give me a moment of peace. WRONG!! She came back carrying her shorts with only the towel wrapped around her bottom. Now it was a child's towel I had brought for my son so not everything was covered. Finally I couldn't take anymore. I got my son out of the pool and took her home to change. Wait you would think my story is done right? Oh how wrong you are. Now she is sitting in my car and I am thinking to myself..."how is she going to get into her house without any neighbor seeing her?" So I pull into her driveway and wouldn't you know she walks into her house bold as brass without the towel. This has got to be one of the MOST embarrassing moments of my life. And my son, in his child like innocence, asks me if I saw Mama Gigi's (what he calls my grandmother) butt. I cannot begin to tell you the burden that an elderly family member can become. I love her to death but she puts quite a strain on those she is around. A two year old child would gladly walk into a house or wade in the public pool naked...but my grandmother? And who wants to see that anyways? As far as I am concerned my grandmother has always been old and always stayed fully dressed. It was not only mortifying but sad. It showed how low she has really let herself go. Since her sister's death she has changed like night and day. I don't know how any of us are going to survive her without killing either her or one another. It is just crazy. Anyone who has dealt with dementia knows what I mean. There are moments, like the pool moment, where you want to laugh but your heart aches so bad you can't. She can't help the things she does I know that. She can't help being so dependant on us, but she has really put everyone in a bind. She didn't plan on her elderly years AT ALL. All the burden was left to her two daughters and financially the strain is unbearable. Her daily living expenses have cost both daughters their good credit, their houses, and nearly killed two marriages. Not to mention the strain it is putting on the relationship between my mother and her sister. My mother is going to have a nervous breakdown. I can see it coming. And there is nothing I can do to stop it. It is horrible to watch and I ask God to guide us through it but I don't know if my mother is going to pull through her depression or not. It's sad to see and I wish there was something I could do for her. I try to be her rock someone to lean on but right now I could really use a rock of my own. It's hard when you have two weak links depending on each other for support!

I always tell my son that God provides for our basic needs even when we don't know how he will do it. Saturday I took my son to McDonald's for lunch. It was part of our date day. We go on dates ever weekend so that we can have our time alone to just hang out and talk. We were sitting inside eating our meal when we noticed two homeless men outside. Now another thing about the Tampa Bay region of Florida is that homeless people are everywhere. It is something you get accustomed to. And you begin to become numb to the effects of seeing them. These two were shirtless, filthy, and so painfully thin they looked like the walking dead. My son asked me why they looked that way and I tried to explain it as gently as I could. We sat through our meal watching as they approached people begging for money or food. It was sad and so horrid to watch. People walked right by them without uttering a word or even glancing their way. How horrible of a human race have we become that we can walk right by a dying man and not look him in the eyes? It was awful. My son reminded me of what I always tell him about God providing for us and asked why God had not provided for these two men. How observant of him. How do you answer that as a parent? How can you explain drug addiction, job loss, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or any of the other reasons why someone might be homeless. How can you tell a six year old child that sometimes life is unfair? I couldn't do it. I couldn't explain to him. And I sat back quietly and watched as my son shed a tear for these two men. So as we were leaving he looked up at me all smiles and proclaimed "Mama, we were sent here to provide for them. That's what it is. God did provide for them today. He sent us here so we could feed them." Now, like I said my funds are dwindling fast and I had to push back a cell phone bill just so I could take my son on a date. But I bought the two men a cheeseburger each. A woman that was standing behind my son and heard what he said placed her hand on my shoulder and looked at me with tears in her eyes. "You have an amazing child there. He is going to change the world you know that." And she bought the men two sodas. The man standing in front of us turned around, patted my son on the head, and proceeded to buy the two men fries. So my son skipped out to the men holding the bag filled with a meager meal and fed the two men. I was amazed at how he handled the situation. Most children would have been terrified of these two men. Most children would have commented on the stench rising around them. But not my son. He smiled up at them and handed them the bag and then the drinks and said "There God provided for you." I have never witnessed a more touching scene in all my life. As these two filthy men broke into smiles. The one looked up at me and said "You have an angel here maim". The other nodded in agreement. On our drive home I cried. Not for my own worries. Not for the plight of the world. But for these two men, whom I didn't even know. For the two men that my son had fed. For the two men that would not have had a lunch had God not put us there. If my son wouldn't have said anything about them. Not been effected by them in the least, they would have surely went on that day with grumbling tummies. But we fed them and provided for them. And in that instant my son taught me a valuable lesson. We are here for a reason and that reason is simple: to be human. To feel as humans for other humans. One man's poverty effects my poverty. One man who is hungry should be fed by the man who has too much food. That is our reason for being here. I don't know what my son will grow up to be but I think it is safe to say it will be something good!

Whatever the outcome of my job search. My life's situation. My grandmother. I know this much to be true. Laugh every chance you get. Cry when you need it most. Never take for granted the good things when they are there. And never give up hope that tomorrow the light will come back on and good things will happen. When one door closes one opens up. And your heart does heal no matter how deep the cut. We are strong and complex creatures, we humans, and somehow we strive for the better life even though for most of us it always seems just beyond our reach.

Baby Shower

I am throwing a baby shower for my sister-in-law on Saturday. It should be a good time but I think that I am a little nervous about it. The first thing I have to say is that I don't know her side of the family at all and I am not quite sure how they are going to be. This uncertainty is making me very nervous. Me and my mom have put a lot of time, effort, and money into this shower and I am so scared that it is not going to go well. My sister-in-law grew up in Florida's foster care system. She has NEVER had a party thrown for her before. When I say never I mean never. No birthday party, graduation party, nothing. I really want this to go well for her sake. I want it to be fun and an event she will remember for a long time to come. I have said it before and I will sing his praises again...I have the best boss in the world. I say that to make a point he is allowing us to use his $600,000 house to throw the party in. The house is stunning, and up for sale if anyone is interested, and should be a wonderful place for any party. CLICK ON THE PICTURE BELOW TO GO TO THE INFO FOR THE HOUSE!!!

It is also very exciting because it is the first time I will be an aunt. I am going to be a horrible aunt. Not in the bad yucky giving you sloppy kisses (okay I might) horrible sense but rather in the spoiling sense. I am a nut when it comes to kids, maybe because I am a kid myself most days. My cousins (two 12 year-olds and a 10 year old) think I am the coolest adult they have ever met. My son says I am the coolest mom ever (something I take great pride in thank you very much). So I am hoping that I will be the coolest aunt ever. I am concerned though with my sister-in-law's past how she will be as a mother. She has been a miserable pregnant woman and I hope that her childish manners fade when the baby comes. Still I worry that my brother will end up like me...a single parent. I know he can handle it better than anyone else. He is a lover of children (he spoils my son so horribly it is no wonder my son can even walk) and he would NEVER EVER be mean or hurtful to a child...her on the other hand I worry about. My brother claims everything will be fine but there is still that little voice in the back of my mind saying "I don't know about this one". I know she will love the baby and I know the baby will be taken care of physically (hygiene wise) but emotionally I don't know if she is ready. She is very "ME" and is prone to tantrums (okay so I refer to her as Pretty Princess but that is a whole different thing) and as a mother I can tell you there is very little "Me" in parenting. And most tantrums occur around two years old and require a diaper and shrill screams! I am just concerned for the well being of my brother and this baby. Also, because she is the product of the life she was born into, she has a possessive nature. When me and my mom say something like "Well, you will need rest. If you need it we can come and take the baby." We mean an hour or so. She interprets it as we will take the baby. It is understandable. In her growing up when someone took the baby that was it. The baby was gone and you never saw it again. I have tried to control my words and spoke to my mother at length about it. But I worry that this possessive nature will make it nearly impossible for anyone to hold or even care for the baby. It is a selfish concern, I know, but still it concerns me. I will never rip a baby away from their mother, without very good hard evidence that the baby is in a life threatening environment, let alone take the baby and do whatever with it. I don't think she understands that we are a loving family. We can be trusted. That we love that baby and her and that we will never harm either in any way. It is sad that the system produces this kind of paranoia in someone but my contempt with the foster care (and children services in general) system is far too long winded for this blog. I have worked for the system before and I can tell you from an insider it is a corrupt institution. Far too many times I saw case workers turn a blind eye either because the parents were high ranking officials, they were already too overburdened with bulging case loads, or their superiors told them there was nothing to worry about. Children are at such a risk in today's society and it is sad that the people that are supposed to be there to help them don't always follow through. Don't get me wrong I worked with some wonderful people but I also worked with people who were once very gung ho about their jobs and over the years they got burned out. I know I did that is why I left. It is a hard job that no one should do unless they can mentally block out the horrible scenes and stories they know. I personally could not and had to leave. I was physically and emotionally destroyed from that job.

All in all I am very excited. A new addition, a baby, in any sense of the word is meant to bring joy. A joy that will last through the years. Children are to be cherished for each day they show us how to live. They teach us more than we can ever teach them, I know my son has. They teach us to stop and stare at the inch worm because it is a wondrous thing. They teach us that bubbles in the back yard can beat any amusement park. They teach us that it is not how much money we spend on them but in fact that we spend time with them. It is the little things that matter to children. The smiles and hugs mean so much more than careful control and rules. Saying yes more than no means so much to them. I will never forget the time I allowed my son to use his feet to paint instead of his hands...it was the most fun I have ever had. Not only because I too felt the squishy delight in the paint between my toes but because he lit up the room with his laughter. In the story of Peter Pan the author says that when a baby laughs the laugh is broken up into hundreds of tiny particles and each particle become a fairy. I don't know how many fairies have been created because of my son but I know that the magic of that laugh has intertwined itself around my heart. There is so much joy in his laughter it brings tears to my eyes. Sometimes I tickle him just to hear it. And no matter how rough the day that laugh will cheer me up in a minute. I hope my sister-in-law finds the laughter of her child so addictive. The smell of baby in the morning beats coffee any day. These are the simple things I hope that my sister-in-law finds joy in. I hope beyond measure that she provides motherly love that she herself has never received. I hope that she sees me and my mother as guiders to what mothers are supposed to be and rises up to the occasion. Maybe it is the fact that she is my brother's wife, maybe I am supposed to be like this. Maybe, no matter who he married, I would have worried for him. I don't know I have never been a sister in law before. I just hope that no matter what the outcome that baby stays innocent and always keeps the twinkle in his eyes. I will have to remember to be patient, because parenting is a skill that takes years to accomplish and still mistakes are made. Parenting is the one thing in this world that you can never truly perfect. It requires no license and has no manual but you are expected to accomplish great things besides. It will take her time and maybe she questions herself too, I don't know, but I will try to be as supportive as possible. I don't know how the scene will play out and I certainly don't know what the future holds but I do know that the joy of a little one will be all I need to get me through anything!

OKAY SO I GUESS I WAS WRONG THERE IS A MANUAL!!

Family Tensions

I don't understand the split in my family currently any more than the next person but I can tell you what I see. Families split. I think it is the nature of us as humans. We move on and change but it is sad that it has to be that way. We have grown as a family and it has not been for the better. Unfortunately the riff is occurring right before our eyes and there is not much I can see to stop it. There is divorce on the horizon, the looming dilemma of putting my grandmother in assisted living, and the tension of daily struggle. It is taking its toll on everyone!

The riff, I suppose, has been coming for awhile now but we have all been too blind to see it. Or too afraid what the outcome was going to be to fix it. I am saddened by this for multiple reasons all the obvious ones included. You could see the split coming almost 3 years ago. The distance between my mother and her sister growing ever stronger. The snide little remarks said beneath their breaths. The way we interacted with each other growing dimmer and more strained by the moment. We knew it was coming and yet none of us did anything to stop it from happening. No one screamed out that this was insanity. No one gave us the heads up. No one even whispered that something might be wrong. Wham! Here it is, in your face, and ready to crumble completely.

It is always sad to me how things like this occur. You don't want them to. You want everyone to just go back to when we were a strong close knit family. We are being torn apart limb by limb and I feel helplessly lost in all of it. I am stumbling through a darkened tunnel and I am not quite sure when the light is going to shine at the end. The stress of having an elderly family member is great. I never thought it could be. I have heard people say it but never thought there was much validity to it. There is. It is hard. It is hard to deal with each passing day and the moments they are having. It is hard to watch them cripple with age, their bodies and minds not what they once were. This stress is culminating within our family. My grandmother is elderly, although she would never admit it. Being a single woman, the brunt falls on her family. We would willingly take care of her, hold her up, and carry her burdens...if she didn't make more burdens than the ones that are already there. There is NOTHING wrong with her. This point I have to make. She has had every test known to man...from CAT scans to MRI's...NOTHING. Blood work turns up nothing. She has it in her mind that she is dying. That there is some horrible disease she is suffering from and there is nothing. This makes it very hard to feel any concern for her, or to even know how to help her, since you never know which ache and pain is real and which one is a figment of her overactive imagination. She is never happy. Never in a million years is she happy or content. She sits and pouts if things don't go her way. If we do not drop everything, including what is best for our children, to cater to her every whim she sulks. It is a difficult and complicated web she has weaved. And we are tired.

Divorce is on the horizon. You can see it plain as day. The divorce of my aunt and uncle would be a devastating blow to a lot of people, most of all to their three young sons. The stress of life has taken its toll on this once tight family. They have been so blemished by money and family issues that it has torn apart their home. My grandmother has her venom in this issue as well. She requires so much time and energy she has left very little for my aunt to use to focus on her own home. They have been sucked dry by circumstances beyond their control. It is sad to watch and I know that there is nothing, personally, that can be done to right the wrongs. Not being married, I guess I do not understand what it takes to make them work. But I would think that in times of hardship would be the time you would want to get closer together. Pull the resources you have available and plow right through it. I know that for some this just cannot be done. I have to wonder sometimes if my aunt married her husband for love or for security. She was a single mother and he came in and took right over the role of "dad" with her 3 year old daughter. Now that daughter is 22 and practically married herself. Odd how time changes things. I just have to wonder if he was more of a security marriage than a love marriage. Can such a marriage ever be deemed a success? Can you marry someone for security and ever expect to get through rough times together? My parents have had their moments of hardships. They have fought like cats and dogs. They are polar opposites, but it works. They have been married for 30 years and I don't know how. I look at them and then my aunt and wonder what is different. What is the difference in the two couples and which would I rather have? Would I marry someone because he can provide for me? What happens when the security he once gave me is no longer there..can I stand by him? I don't know. I don't think that is the intention of marriage, but i have said before I am a hopeless romantic. Maybe that is the reason I am still single. I am waiting for the perfect match and all I am supposed to wait for is the one that will do! I don't know. Divorce is such an alien thing to me. How do you just call it quits so easily? How can you walk away from someone, who although he may not have money has provided you with comfort? How can you walk away when he has been a model good husband, never laid a hand on you, and has been an excellent father? Maybe he is the one walking away I don't know the details and I really don't want to. It just makes me think of life. How sad and ever changing it can be. Sometimes it is so good you want to cry out and other times your heart just breaks. I hope they can reconcile. I hope that things work for the better, maybe that includes divorce. I just want what is going to make the situation fixed. I don't think there are any easy fixes in life and wonder how the children will come out of this whole. I guess that is what I am worried about most. The children.

To say that money is tight right now would be the understatement of the year. I am losing my job, although I do have a couple very promising leads on new ones. It is very stressful to be poor and not know how to make it right. I guess for me it doesn't really matter. I am used to living poor. I will probably continue to do so and die in just that fashion, but it would be nice, just for once to not have that worry. I just want enough to pay my bills and spoil my son. I don't think I am asking too much but you would think I am asking for some one's first born. I try to be philosophical about all of it but in the end the reality stays the same and nothing has ever changed. I really am a positive person it is just right now I am meandering my way through some rough currents. Maybe this is the point of life. Struggle. To become stronger, smarter, and more alive with each passing test. I guess maybe when you feel as if you have hit the bottom you start to see things a bit clearer. If I look at it in that way I am better for all my struggles. I am a better person because I know these lessons. I have been taught through experience that sometimes life makes you work for happiness and I am not afraid to get in there with both feet and make it happen. Sometimes I think God gets bored up there, decides my life is going too smooth, and shakes things up a bit. I think when he needs amusement I am his puppet. For now I will go with the flow. Whatever happens happens. I will hold my breath when I feel myself sink and hope I float back up again. I just wish I had someone who would throw me the life jacket!

A Job Lost

So I am losing my job. The company I work for, although very small, has always been rather successful, but lately sales have been way down and there isn't enough money to pay me. Now, I want to first inform you that this comes as a blow for several reasons. Firstly, I love my job. I love the people it puts me in contact with and for once I feel that this is something I am truly good at. I work in Liquidations and Closeouts. I am a creative person by nature and this gives me that outlet that I need. Here I can use my creativity for something worthwhile. I can see the results of my hard work daily and that feels good.

Here if you want a sense of what I do, here is a copy of part of my resume:

Current Position: General Manager

Responsibilities: Customer Service, Web Development, Online Research, Creative Thinking Skills, E-Commerce, Develop and Implement New Sales Strategies, Oversee Ebay Market, Oversee the sales and purchasing of liquidation merchandise, Personal Assistant to CEO, Develop Advertisements, Update External Sites, Packaging, Warehouse Management, Organize Freight, Constant Contact with Vendors and Customers, Find Leads For the Purchasing Department, Digital Camera, Oversee the Day-to-day activities of running the business, Required Frequent Independence, Self Motivation, Multi-Tasking, Good Customer Service Skills, Perfect Language Skills, Quick Typing Skills, Time Management, Correct Grammar Usage, Honesty, Good Business Ethics, and Motivation.

Programs Used: Microsoft Word, Microsoft Works, Microsoft PowerPoint, Fireworks, Dreamweaver, Microsoft Excel, Microsoft FrontPage, Quickbooks, Adobe, UPS, FedEx, Stamps.com

Internet Sites Used Often: Ebay.com, OSCommerce,com, PHP.net, Exporters.com, Surplus.net, Liquidations.com, BLinclink.com, Google.com, Froogle.com, MySpace.com, Blogger.com, Pacassa.com, CloseoutCentral.com, Paypal.com, FreightQuote.com, MyFreightWorld.com, Echo.com, Techliquidators.com, WholesaleCentral.com, AIM, and CraigsList.com

That is it. That is all my responsibilities. The Jack of all trades and master to none. It is terrible but I believe I don't get paid nearly enough for what I do around here and that is ok with me. There are things that matter more to me in this world than a larger pay check. I am blessed to have worked here and be in contact with the people I have been. I am blessed because of the knowledge and growth I have experienced within this tiny warehouse. I am blessed because for a short period of time someone truly believed in the greatness of me. And I am blessed for the laughter and hard work, for each makes us grow in new and life altering ways. But none the less the hit is going to take its toll on me.

The second reason I think I am upset is I genuinely like my boss. He is actually a really great guy. I enjoy being around him and he makes me laugh. That is unique to find in a boss. Not only that but he understands my unique perspective as a single parent and tries his hardest to accommodate that situation. That is rare to find these days. I know he has no choice and for that I am saddened. I saw him yesterday and he looks older than when I first started working here. He looks drawn and tired. I know he has put a lot of effort into this business and my heart aches for his family. The once hyper active likable guy has become melancholy and the change is scary. I don't know why but it is unsettling to me to see him like that. I should be angry with him, I should feel gypped out of something, I should feel all these things and yet I don't. All I feel is great sorrow and a feeling of great loss. I want to help him and not for my own neck. I want to help because I believe in him and his ethics. This is a good person who deserves good things. He once told me "See good things do happen to good people." I don't know if I believe that anymore. It is hard to believe that when daily good people suffer. I want to believe it with all my heart but something in me won't let me have that amount of faith. So I am on the hunt. Luckily, being in South Florida, jobs are plentiful and easy enough to come by. But I know I will not find a position like this again. Not with this boss and not with these customers and that I will sadly miss. I will make it through, that I am certain. I have a tough skin and takes hits like a trooper, but it doesn't make the pain any less. I am starting to stress and can feel my blood getting heated from fear every day. I haven't slept very much lately and my eating habits have changed dramatically. I have never been quite this upset over a loss of a job and I am certain that I will not shine quite as much anywhere else. There is something to be said about me being so upset, he made it too good here for me. I can basically come in when I want, leave when I want (as long as 8 hours is put in in full), I go to lunch when I am hungry, break when I need it, and have no dress code. You can't beat the life here. I am spoiled here and there is nothing wrong with that. I am hitting all major search engines looking for positions, since I have exactly four weeks to do so and so far I have found some promising leads. I think though, subconsciously, I will leave dragging my feet.

Then there is the nagging in the pit of my stomach that will not go away. It is an ever present part of single parenting. You know, the little voice that says "Maybe you won't". It is that part of me that doubts if I can make it as a single parent. It doubts my abilities to juggle motherhood and a career. I mostly doubt my abilities to financially juggle what he needs and what I think he needs. It is a constant struggle. I want to give him the world but financially I can't. I hate feeling this way. His birthday is coming up and I hope I am able to get him a Wii but right now I don't know. It breaks my heart. When will the struggling stop? I think that's what I don't understand. When will I stop struggling? When will it all click into place? When will the doors open and let me walk through unscathed? I guess I am just bummed and not quite sure what to do about it. Something will come along, for that I am thankful, but until then I will just have to go day by day.