The Regret

So I think in every life there is regret. There is that moment you look back on and go "how stupid could I be?" Well, mine came in the form of a man (who else?). While I was pregnant with my son, I worked for a security company. A great little family owned company where I sat and basically played on the computer all night. The IT guy was this young kid (okay he was 19 and I was 21 so it wasn't so bad, he just seemed a lot younger than me at the time) and he would come in to the dispatch and we would play a game of cards every now and then. He would even run down to the store and get me my latest craving. Just a really sweet kid. He would always peek his head in the dispatch room and ask things like "the baby need anything?" He had blond hair and these wonderful blue eyes that would make you want to cry they were just so beautiful. His wide grin would make any girl fall head over heels in love. I used to think "Some girl is going to be really lucky to catch this guy." And I never gave him any thought beyond what a sweet kid he was.







Now when you are stuck in a small building with someone alone for 12 hours a day you get to know them, to say the least. Me and Brett (not his real name by far but it will work) would talk about everything, over a good game of poker. From the recent headlines to weather. He made me laugh a lot and never laughed at my constant rants about my son's father. He would sit so patiently and watch me cry my eyes out. He would tell me often that I should leave him and I thought how naive he was for not understanding my dilemma. He would make simple little comments like "don't you want better than him?" Then he would tell me about his recent girl troubles. The crush he had on his next door neighbor and how his heart was breaking when she decided on his brother instead of him. I would sit and give motherly advise, the whole time my son growing and thriving within me. He made me feel whole when I was with him. Not a beaten and worn out pregnant woman. I was just a woman but most importantly I felt smart when I was with him. I felt myself beginning to look forward to going to work more and more. I wanted to know what quirky little topic we would get on that night. I think my ex saw the difference and wanted to know why I was so eager to get to work. I would make up all kinds of lame excuses. "Oh I just like my job" or "I have a lot of paperwork to do tonight" or "The baby quiets down more when I am there". Never letting him know I was there with someone I enjoyed more than him.









The time came when the inevitable birth of my son was coming closer. I was at work when I went into labor. I remember the fear and tension that Brett had that night. He was frantic. He took me out and put me into his car, the whole time saying "oh god please don't have him in my car, my dad will kill me." He drove so carefully to the hospital, apologizing over every bump. When we got into the hospital he called my family while I got the paperwork filled out. The nurse asked me if my husband, pointing to Brett, would be coming in the delivery room. We both shared a good laugh and explained the situation. Well once my family got there Brett left, not wanting to leave me alone until he knew someone was there with me. I was on maternity leave for 2 months, in this time Brett quit his job and had left for higher and better things. I got to say my goodbyes though and felt certain he was going to be something big some day!

So lets fast forward a year. I am walking around Wal Mart with my son, picking up the much needed diapers and food. When who should I literally run into? Brett. He looked so much older and had this adorable little goatee. Oh he was so handsome. He looked down at me and gave me that huge grin and almost knocked me on the floor. By this time I had already left my son's father and was trying to get my life back in order. He said my son had my eyes and laughed about how different I looked not being pregnant. He asked me if I was still with his father and told me how he was working for a big company now and really missed the security company. We then sat in a moment of awkward silence, where we both stared at each other. Oh my gosh, this was the first time since I left my ex that I really wanted this guy to scoop me up right there and do the unmentionable in the middle of the aisle. He then said something I will never forget as long as I live "you know, we could get together sometime, even just to play cards." (the word I love is EVEN just to play cards. What else did he want to do?) Well, my thoughts weren't exactly on cards, as you could imagine. Before I could give my answer my mother called me away and we never got together.

I later saw him in the mall with his arms around another girl. I should have been happy for him. He finally found someone to care for him. He gave a weak little smile and waved at me from across the mall. I never spoke to him again. But I have missed him a lot, even more lately for some reason. I always wonder what could have been. Would I be single still? Would I have ended up staying in Ohio? Would I have more children? All kinds of questions that I will never know the answer to. Looking back, I think he scared me. He was the exact opposite of my ex and I didn't want to hurt him. Like I have said before, I felt tainted and stained with a past that was just too fresh. I think now I would have turned him down, had I had the chance. Yes he deserved better than me, better than the life I would have given him. I would have been no woman for him and I would have had to put my heart on the line again, so soon after it had been crushed. He would have healed me, I am sure of it, but fear is a powerful emotion. I am too strong willed for a simple and sweet guy like that. He would have had a hard time keeping the reins on me and in the end I think it worked out exactly as it was supposed to. His eyes still haunt me and his smile still invades my dreams. I miss playing cards with him, laughing with him, and as I often did crying with him. I am left with this memory of a kid who was too sweet for me and as the years pass I am sure the memory will start to fade. But for now I will grasp at the memory of the what if and cling to my silent fantasies about a life I was never meant to have.