When you walk through a storm
If my theme song is correct than I should not feel alone if I am walking on through the storm, but why then do I? Why do I feel so helpless and alone? I find myself at the mercy of others and it makes me so scared. It takes a lot to scare me or stress me out...I have been through too much to let anything really get me down...but I am down. I try so hard to hide it from my parents and my son. You know, put on my little mask of delight and move past it, but I am starting to pay for that decision as well. My health is starting to be affected and I have no way of paying for the doctor. AHHHHHH!!! Would anyone really blame me if I just rolled up in bed and never again faced this unmistakably insecure world? Yes, they would. And I would blame myself for letting me get so beaten down. Through many years of trials and heartaches I have forged through undaunted, I truthfully don't know what makes this time so much different. Maybe it is the compound effects of so many different elements. The guilt of leaving my son day in and day out to go to work, missing so much of his childhood. I never heard his first words and I hardly remember the smell of him as a baby. I missed all of it. And now as a young child I feel I have lost all connection to him. I don't know him, not how my mother always knew me and my brother. I don't know how he acts two days before he gets sick, I don't know when he needs me even though I am not with him (we used to call my mom a witch for her innate ability to come and find us if we needed her), and I certainly don't act like your typical "mom". I never utter typical "mom" phrases and I have very little rules for him to be governed by. How can I possibly call myself his mother? I hate it. This is the part about single parenting that I despise and I find myself damning his father a lot lately for being so horrid. Why couldn't he stand by me the way my dad stands by my mom? Why couldn't I have that husband that supports us? I guess for me it wasn't meant to be. Add to this the unmistakable issue of no money and you have a compounded problem. I have literally .26 to my name right now and no idea where I am going to get anymore money. It is very unnerving to me to have to explain to my young son why he can't get that new game he has wanted because I don't have the money. He is a good kid and should have all the things that the world has to offer but I just can't provide them to him. I am a strong person, this has always been true, but how much strength do I need in this life? Just for once I don't want creditors to call me. Just for once I would like to buy myself brand new clothes and not feel guilty. Just for once I would like to take a weekend getaway and not have to count dimes and pennies just for gas.
Now living in southern Florida has it's benefits, this I will never deny. We have beautiful weather year around, the sun is always bright, and we are lucky to have such a great economy. Now you are probably wondering where I am headed with this. I want the next few sections to show that even with all the bad I still have my sense of philosophy and fun. I still laugh. The bi product of living in southern Florida, besides the hurricanes and traffic, is the creatures. We have creatures. Big nasty creatures. We have had palmetto bugs in our living room, geckos in our bedrooms, and snakes in our lanai. Sounds bad right? Not so much. But what we found in my parent's shower on Thursday was disgusting. There was a huge nasty slimy toad in her shower. We have no idea where it came from and quite frankly I don't care. But my mother was in the bathroom when I heard a scream unlike any other. I really thought someone was trying to kill her in there. I took off running and got to the door to find my pasty faced mother pointing into her shower. There sitting in the corner was this nasty frog, about the size of my hand. Not like the cute little tree frogs that stick to our house, but a nasty mustard colored toad. Well, the day was horrible and I had been suffering from stomach cramps all day. To say this was the nail that drove my nervous breakdown home would be an understatement. Where was I in my mother's time of need? Not dashing in to save her I was bent over on the floor, tears streaming from my eyes, laughing so hard my sides hurt. I think it was the fear in my mother's face that drove me my fits of laughter or the absurdity of the situation. Either way I laughed until I was in tears. I took pictures of the ugly beast basking in the sunlight filtering through my mother's bathroom skylight. I couldn't help myself. I emailed friends with the astounding picture of our little visitor. And then I stopped. It wasn't very funny anymore. All of a sudden, just like the flip of a switch, I saw the meaning behind the toad. Earlier I had said out loud to my mother "I think God has left my corner. I just don't know if he is even there anymore." I have not uttered these words since my ex beat me to an inch of my life. I have never questioned God's unending love for me. I always just knew he was there. FROG is an anagram that a friend of mine used when her son was dying of cancer. Forever Rely On God. That was her thing. Frogs fill her home, even now two years after her little one passed away. It got her through her heartache and loss. I honestly don't know how she made it through losing her 4 year old son, I think I would have folded up myself, but she claims that God always sent her frogs and toads as little reminders to her that he was still there to be relied on. I don't know if this is what she meant but all of a sudden I felt very peaceful with myself. God had sent that frog into our house to remind all of us that he is still there and to rely on him. Whether this is true or not I can't tell you but it sure changed my day. All of a sudden my cell phone was ringing and I got three interviews set up in one day. Things started happening. So be far from me to question one's belief in superior beings. I don't claim to know the cosmos and I don't want to change any one's view. You believe in whatever deity fits your life and I will believe in mine. But something changed things that day.
Now again living in south Florida has it's benefits. Swimming is one of them. Most communities have pools and if not you are sure to know someone that has one. My grandmother's 55+ community (another amenity of southern Florida that is not in short supply but I will complain about snowbirds another time) has a pool. Me and my son are frequent visitors of this pool. I love the indoor setting and the jacuzzi is to die for. So we picked my grandmother up and went over to the pool. Now you need to understand that my grandma just bought a BRAND NEW bathing suite maybe 2 weeks ago because she lost her other one. So I went to pick her up and she is wearing white shorts and a white shirt (that she wore 3 days in a row mind you) and decided she wasn't going to swim today. No big deal. My grandmother isn't a swimmer matter of fact she is terrified of water. She is the only person I have ever met that can sink wearing a life jacket. So we headed down to the pool. It wasn't packed but did have two older gentlemen and a couple of younger kids in the pool at this time. So my grandma is sitting in the chair while I am in the pool with my son. All of a sudden I turn around and my grandmother is sitting on one of the pool steps. IN HER WHITE SHORTS WITH WHITE UNDERWEAR UNDERNEATH. Oh my God!! I all of a sudden was completely embarrassed. There wasn't one of her "personal effects" not showing. It was all there for the world to see. I was absolutely mortified. Another thing that I am great about is I don't get embarrassed easily but I was faced with a half naked grandmother in the a public pool. Oh dear God what was I to do? So I swam on over to her and struck up a conversation. Trying to keep her in the pool until the other men left. Finally we were alone for a brief moment in time. She proceeded to stand up and walk over to the door all of her assets showing through her shorts. Finally she put a towel around her. Then she said she had to go to the bathroom. Okay I thought that will give me a moment of peace. WRONG!! She came back carrying her shorts with only the towel wrapped around her bottom. Now it was a child's towel I had brought for my son so not everything was covered. Finally I couldn't take anymore. I got my son out of the pool and took her home to change. Wait you would think my story is done right? Oh how wrong you are. Now she is sitting in my car and I am thinking to myself..."how is she going to get into her house without any neighbor seeing her?" So I pull into her driveway and wouldn't you know she walks into her house bold as brass without the towel. This has got to be one of the MOST embarrassing moments of my life. And my son, in his child like innocence, asks me if I saw Mama Gigi's (what he calls my grandmother) butt. I cannot begin to tell you the burden that an elderly family member can become. I love her to death but she puts quite a strain on those she is around. A two year old child would gladly walk into a house or wade in the public pool naked...but my grandmother? And who wants to see that anyways? As far as I am concerned my grandmother has always been old and always stayed fully dressed. It was not only mortifying but sad. It showed how low she has really let herself go. Since her sister's death she has changed like night and day. I don't know how any of us are going to survive her without killing either her or one another. It is just crazy. Anyone who has dealt with dementia knows what I mean. There are moments, like the pool moment, where you want to laugh but your heart aches so bad you can't. She can't help the things she does I know that. She can't help being so dependant on us, but she has really put everyone in a bind. She didn't plan on her elderly years AT ALL. All the burden was left to her two daughters and financially the strain is unbearable. Her daily living expenses have cost both daughters their good credit, their houses, and nearly killed two marriages. Not to mention the strain it is putting on the relationship between my mother and her sister. My mother is going to have a nervous breakdown. I can see it coming. And there is nothing I can do to stop it. It is horrible to watch and I ask God to guide us through it but I don't know if my mother is going to pull through her depression or not. It's sad to see and I wish there was something I could do for her. I try to be her rock someone to lean on but right now I could really use a rock of my own. It's hard when you have two weak links depending on each other for support!
I always tell my son that God provides for our basic needs even when we don't know how he will do it. Saturday I took my son to McDonald's for lunch. It was part of our date day. We go on dates ever weekend so that we can have our time alone to just hang out and talk. We were sitting inside eating our meal when we noticed two homeless men outside. Now another thing about the Tampa Bay region of Florida is that homeless people are everywhere. It is something you get accustomed to. And you begin to become numb to the effects of seeing them. These two were shirtless, filthy, and so painfully thin they looked like the walking dead. My son asked me why they looked that way and I tried to explain it as gently as I could. We sat through our meal watching as they approached people begging for money or food. It was sad and so horrid to watch. People walked right by them without uttering a word or even glancing their way. How horrible of a human race have we become that we can walk right by a dying man and not look him in the eyes? It was awful. My son reminded me of what I always tell him about God providing for us and asked why God had not provided for these two men. How observant of him. How do you answer that as a parent? How can you explain drug addiction, job loss, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or any of the other reasons why someone might be homeless. How can you tell a six year old child that sometimes life is unfair? I couldn't do it. I couldn't explain to him. And I sat back quietly and watched as my son shed a tear for these two men. So as we were leaving he looked up at me all smiles and proclaimed "Mama, we were sent here to provide for them. That's what it is. God did provide for them today. He sent us here so we could feed them." Now, like I said my funds are dwindling fast and I had to push back a cell phone bill just so I could take my son on a date. But I bought the two men a cheeseburger each. A woman that was standing behind my son and heard what he said placed her hand on my shoulder and looked at me with tears in her eyes. "You have an amazing child there. He is going to change the world you know that." And she bought the men two sodas. The man standing in front of us turned around, patted my son on the head, and proceeded to buy the two men fries. So my son skipped out to the men holding the bag filled with a meager meal and fed the two men. I was amazed at how he handled the situation. Most children would have been terrified of these two men. Most children would have commented on the stench rising around them. But not my son. He smiled up at them and handed them the bag and then the drinks and said "There God provided for you." I have never witnessed a more touching scene in all my life. As these two filthy men broke into smiles. The one looked up at me and said "You have an angel here maim". The other nodded in agreement. On our drive home I cried. Not for my own worries. Not for the plight of the world. But for these two men, whom I didn't even know. For the two men that my son had fed. For the two men that would not have had a lunch had God not put us there. If my son wouldn't have said anything about them. Not been effected by them in the least, they would have surely went on that day with grumbling tummies. But we fed them and provided for them. And in that instant my son taught me a valuable lesson. We are here for a reason and that reason is simple: to be human. To feel as humans for other humans. One man's poverty effects my poverty. One man who is hungry should be fed by the man who has too much food. That is our reason for being here. I don't know what my son will grow up to be but I think it is safe to say it will be something good!
Whatever the outcome of my job search. My life's situation. My grandmother. I know this much to be true. Laugh every chance you get. Cry when you need it most. Never take for granted the good things when they are there. And never give up hope that tomorrow the light will come back on and good things will happen. When one door closes one opens up. And your heart does heal no matter how deep the cut. We are strong and complex creatures, we humans, and somehow we strive for the better life even though for most of us it always seems just beyond our reach.
1 comment:
I like your attitude. Good luck on your search for a new job. I'm sure it will be much better than the old one.
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